From the course: Conflict Resolution For Beginners
Keep them talking
- When someone tells you that they have a conflict with you, what's one of the first things you want to do? No, not run, the other thing. You want to solve it. If you're like most people, when there's a conflict you want to get it resolved and over with as quickly as possible so there can be peace. But if you jump immediately to trying to solve the problem then you'll miss a crucial step, gathering information about the conflict so you can respond to the real underlying issues. In this lesson, I'll prepare you to gather that information and we'll show you how to keep people talking. That way you can find out what they really want and need from a particular conflict, without jumping ahead. When talking with someone facing a conflict, focus on getting to the heart of their problem. Often people need to vent first and get their feelings out before they can think clearly about how they want to solve a conflict. As a result, you may hear things like, "I don't want to work with him," or "I don't understand why you're being so hard on me," in the beginning of the conversation. But is that what the conflict is really about? The only way to find out is to keep them talking about the conflict, not the solution. You do that by asking questions. Now, the type of questions you ask matter. There are two main types of questions, open and closed. Closed questions usually have one word answers, such as yes or no. If you only use closed questions it'll take you a lot longer to figure out what happened. Open questions are much more useful for gathering information. These ask someone to describe or explain something and so required longer responses. Questions like this open the door to more conversation. Here's an example. Let's say you pair two team members, Maria and Joe, together for a project. They get into a disagreement and Maria comes to you and says, "Joe is always correcting me, I don't want to work with him anymore." Now, let's consider some questions you would probably be tempted to ask. Are you angry? You don't like him correcting you? Did he yell at you? Have you two had conflict before? You might've noticed that these are all closed questions. They don't give Maria much of a chance to share with you what happened. Let's look at some open questions you could ask instead. How do you feel about what happened? Can you explain how he is correcting you? What led you to think that don't want to work with him anymore? Can you describe what your work relationship has been like since you've been on this team? Notice how these questions ask for more information. They give Maria more opportunities to explain what really matters to her about the conflict. Gathering this information is essential to understanding the root of a conflict, which is key to solving it effectively. You don't need a conflict to practice asking open questions and keep people talking. Give it a try with your next conversation, no matter what it's about. Now, go out there and practice.
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