From the course: Fred Kofman on Managing Conflict

The four goals of conflict conversations

From the course: Fred Kofman on Managing Conflict

The four goals of conflict conversations

- So then we go to the next level. And the next level, what are the steps? What are the sub goals in this conversation? There are only four things you can want in a conflict. Any other thing is going to lead you astray. The typical sub goals is you shut up, I tell you what's right. And then you do it. Those are the three things I want a conversation. First, keep you quiet. Second, convince you, I'm right, and you're wrong and third, make you do what I want you to do. Of course, if you tell me that I would push back and that's the situation of push and push back that gets us stuck or nobody gets anything done. So, I will say in any conflict conversation, there are four goals that if you pursue and you accomplish them, you will resolve it always. The first goal is to listen and understand to what that other person thinks and feels. So I could tell you, look, my first goal, is to understand how you think and what do you feel about this? No conflict there. My second goal, is to explain to you how I think and why I feel the way I feel so you can understand where I'm coming from no conflict there. The third goal is for us to discuss, is there a way we can come together with mutual benefit? Can we find an integration of your perspective and my perspective, that would lead us down a path that is better for both of us, than separating? And the fourth one is, let's make sure that once we agree on something, we make commitments, and we get it done. Okay, if we agree, there's no conflict in getting it done. So these are the four goals. I want to listen and understand where you're coming from, what's your perspective, I would like you to understand what my perspective is. So I'd like to explain it to you. I like for both of us to find opportunities for mutual gain in this transaction. And I like to make clear commitments about who is going to do what by when. So whatever we decide, we get it done. Those are the only four things that are going to keep you in the rails of the conversation. Any other goal will derail you and put you back in the conflict situation. So the purpose is to collaborate, not to fight. With these agreeable things so we're going to follow these four goals and find a way to solve the conflict.

Contents