Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant discuss the guilt and shame that often accompanies loss. In this video, they share how you can practice self-compassion and develop daily habits to build your self-confidence.
- After Dave died, Sheryl was going around and just apologizing to people constantly. - I felt guilty. I blamed myself for Dave's death. I blamed myself for how much I was inconveniencing everyone. And Adam said to me, "You're saying the word 'sorry' all the time. "I've been here an hour and you've apologized for 10 things. "Stop saying the word 'I'm sorry.' "It's not your fault." (uplifting music) - We started talking a little bit about this research on self-compassion, which is all about how we constantly beat ourselves up for things that may be mistakes but may also just not be our fault to begin with.
Kristin Neff, a great psychologist, defines self-compassion as approaching yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would show to a friend. I think one of the things that a lot of people don't anticipate is when they face hardship in one domain of their life, it can affect their confidence in all other domains. Psychologists actually call this secondary loss. So there's a primary loss, and then following that there are all these cascade effects that people really are not prepared for.
- I've spent a lot of time thinking about self-confidence. I struggled with it all my life. Then I gave my TED Talk, I wrote Lean In. And trying to help other women build their self-confidence, I built mine up too. But then when Dave died, my confidence crumbled overnight. - There's research suggesting that journaling can be really helpful in this process. - Adam told me that I should write down every night before I go to bed three things I did well. I started doing it, even though at first I had nothing to put on the list. What did I do well? I made tea.
I got through one meeting without crying, or at least without crying a lot. But these were the small wins. And when I went to bed writing three things I did well, what I realized is that even before Dave had died, I went to bed every night worrying about what I did wrong. Now I've told lots of people to do this, and lots of my friends have written down three things they do well, and it is transformative. I don't think I realized how much time I spent beating myself up for things that went wrong rather than focusing on the things that went well.
For additional resources and support, check out OptionB.Org, a nonprofit initiative dedicated to helping individuals build resilience in the face of adversity.