Mindful speaking

- Today's session will continue the theme of mindful speech. This is the daily activity that perhaps has the greatest impact on the quality of our relationships. For example, perhaps you can remember a particular conversation at work that made you feel really cared about, valued, heard, good about yourself. Maybe you can also recall being deeply shaken by a painful moment, when someone has lashed out in a way that was wounding, disrespectful, or hateful. Words carry great power and the effect can last for years. Mindful speech begins by bringing a kind presence to what we say. Then, we can speak what is both true and helpful. In contrast, when we're not mindful, our communication is more often shaped by our wants and fears. So it can be less truthful and often hurtful. In exploring this, some years ago a friend decided not to gossip about anyone he knew who wasn't present. A month later he said with astonishment that 60% of his conversation had been eliminated. Unhealthy speech also includes exaggeration and outright deception. Claiming extra credit for a project, for example, is a form of unhealthy speech, exaggerating sales numbers to impress others, misrepresenting your resume, or knowingly over-promising potential results to a new client are all forms of unhealthy speech. When we're less than honest, when we mislead or pretend, we create a breach of trust, distancing ourselves and reinforcing a pattern of not being authentic. A hospice nurse reported that many of her dying patients have said, "I wish I'd had the courage "to express my feelings, to speak what was true for me." In other words, to be authentic. However, mindful speech is not just about being honest, but also about being kind. In mindful speaking, we become aware of what is happening within ourselves and how what we say impacts others. We practice mindfulness when we pay attention to how our communication is affecting our coworkers, our partners, our employees, our students. The key steps that lay the groundwork for mindful speaking, and these apply to email, text, and other forms of communication are pause if you suspect you're expressing yourself in a less than skillful way. Then ask yourself what is motivating me to say this? What might be the outcome if I do? And finally reflect, what is my best intention? What do I most hope these words might accomplish? Often by asking these questions, we rewrite the text, or email, or speak with a more kindly, interested, and caring tone. Mindful speech can bring our professional relationships to a new level, one that is increasingly authentic and gratifying. Throughout the work day, this openness, honesty and warmth can lead to more vibrant and creative collaborations. Remembering to express gratitude and care, to not hold tightly to being right, to acknowledge when we felt vulnerable and reactive, these expressions of mindfulness contribute to a work environment that is nourishing for all. When people can trust us and can trust that we mean what we say, we naturally become leaders. We gain credibility and establish reliability with the people with whom we work. So let's practice together, starting with our core practice, and then focus on mindful speech. Allow yourself to arrive and come into stillness, collecting your attention with the breath. Take some time with your core practice. Let your anchor be in the foreground, and then offer a clear and kind attention to other strong experiences as they arise. This breath or this experience just now. Now as you sit, bring to mind a situation at work where you find yourself getting caught in unwise speech. It might be gossip, criticism, exaggeration, pretending, white lies. As if you were watching a movie, move through the experience up to the frame where you are on the verge of unmindful speech. As you see yourself in your mind's eye, pause before you say anything and check in. Sense whatever feelings are most compelling. Are you anxious or excited, angry or hurt? Ask yourself, "What is my motivation "in what I'm about to say?" Are you trying to avoid confrontation? Are you trying to gain a sense of control or power, to impress or improve yourself, to make someone like you, to protect yourself? See this all without any judgment with a kind heart. Now sense if you do go ahead with what you habitually say, what would be the outcome? And now, call on your wisest, most caring self and reflect on what your best intentions are in this situation. Feeling this intention in your heart, sense how you might express yourself in a new and different way. Now again, return for a time to your core practice of mindfulness and compassion. Breathe and center yourself just where you are. (bell ringing) To practice mindful speech further, you might pick one situation where you'd like to speak from a more conscious, mindful place, a certain person at work where you might typically be stressed, anxious, preoccupied, not present. Set your intention in advance and when this situation arises, try to slow down and fully pause. Sense where you are coming from and then ask yourself what really matters here. Be patient with this as it often takes multiple repetitions to wire in new behaviors. Consider this a mindful experiment that can, in time, dramatically enrich your life and the lives of others. Kind words ripple out endlessly.