Finding self-compassion through self-kindness

- And finally, the third strategy for finding that compassionate self-to-self relationship is self-kindness. And self-kindness can take many forms, but it basically comes down to this. How would you respond if someone you cared about was going through this? What would you say to them? What would you do for them? How would you encourage or support them? And it seems like self-talk plays a very big role in the practice of self-kindness. We know that the opposite of self-kindness, self-criticism, self-hate, it often takes the form of self-talk. It says things like you're so stupid, what's wrong with you? You'll never change. Things we would almost never say to someone we care about, but we'll say to ourselves. To practice self-kindness we need to find the voice and the words that we would use with someone we love and practice directing those words at ourselves. I know how hard this is for you, you can get through this. Study show that when you talk to yourself in this way, you activate brain regions associated with caregiving for others. Self-talk can be a way to tap into the biology of compassion, which is not only soothing, but also empowering. Giving us the same hope and courage that compassion toward another person can. Now in addition to self-talk, sometimes we also need the emotional and physical equivalent of a self-hug. Kristin Neff and Chris Gurner teach a wonderful practice of self-kindness that includes offering yourself a caring gesture such as putting your hand to your heart in the same way that you might place a loving hand on the shoulder of a dear friend. And sometimes we also need the wisdom, encouragement and support that a mentor would give us. Someone who not only cares about you, but sees the best in you and understands your potential. Self-kindness can mean remembering what you care about and why your efforts matter. It can mean reminding you of your strength, not necessarily trying to protect yourself from any pain or suffering. Let me give you an example of what this kind of self-mentoring can look like. And this comes from a study that was done at the National University of Ireland. In this study participants were told that it was a study designed to help people with chronic pain. The researchers wanted to understand pain tolerance, and everyone who signed up for this study endorsed this goal. They wanted to help people with chronic pain. When they get to the lab they find out that they themselves are going to be the recipient of a series of increasingly painful shocks and they were painful. The researchers told them we can stop at any point in time, but the more shocks you can endure, the better it is for us and the better it is for the people we're trying to help. Each shock is going to get more painful than the last, you tell us when you need to stop, you tell us when you want to stop. And then participants were given one of two strategies for trying to deal with their pain. Some people were taught to distract themselves. They were told, "Yeah this is going to be really painful, "but you could go someplace better in your imagination. "You could imagine that you're at the beach "or at someplace you love and when the pain gets intense, "go there, go someplace better". Other people were given a very different strategy and the strategy was taught in an unusual way. The participants were asked to think to themselves, I cannot walk, I cannot walk, I cannot walk. Okay, so that's a little bit weird. And then things got even weirder. The researchers asked the participants to think I cannot walk, I cannot walk while walking around the room. And so they did that, walking around the room thinking I cannot walk, I cannot walk. And then the researchers explained what they were doing. They said," Isn't it interesting "that you could have one thought in your mind "that says I can't do this "and yet you could choose to do it anyway?" If you wanted to, if it mattered to you, you could have a thought in your head that says, I can't do this but you could choose to do it anyway. It was basically a strategy of self-compassion, of making a choice to accept whatever thoughts or experiences are present and committing to an action that's consistent with your goals. And these participants were told the shocks are going to be painful, and you might have a thought that says, I can't do this, this is too much. I have to stop, I have to escape this pain. But if you wanted to, you could keep going even though you have those thoughts of self-doubt, even though you want to escape the pain, you could choose to keep going if it's what matters to you. And that was the strategy they were encouraged to use. Okay, so let's get down to how these strategies fared. First of all, there were some people in the study who got no advice whatsoever and they didn't get through very many shocks. They gave up after about two and a half shocks on average. Now the people who were taught to go someplace better in their imagination, they got through on average 4.7 increasingly painful shocks. That's not bad. But the people who were taught this interesting strategy of self-compassion, they got through on average 8.4 increasingly painful shocks. They did much better than people who were trying to imagine a way through the reality of their pain. And the other thing that is so fascinating is, even as they got through almost twice as many shocks as the people who were distracting themselves from their pain, they reported less physical pain and less emotional distress. Somehow this quality of self-mentoring transformed their experience of pain so that they had the courage and the strength to continue toward their goals. And I think it's really helpful to consider all of these different aspects of self-kindness. You can do this is a very different flavor of self-compassion than, oh you poor baby there there. And sometimes we need one and sometimes we need the other. When you want to offer yourself compassion, consider what it is that you need in that moment and what is most important to you. And sometimes giving yourself permission to care and to go after what matters is as much a part of self-compassion as consoling yourself or comforting yourself.