Don't be ashamed when you fail

- [Interviewee] People who don't feel like impostors also look at failure mistakes and criticism differently. - [Interviewer] Let's cover each of these contrasts or distinctions then. - [Interviewee] Well, you know, people who feel like impostors experience shame- - Mm-hmm. - When they fail, right? Nobody likes to fail or make a mistake or have an off day, or have to struggle to master something or have to ask for help, but when these things happen to non-impostors, they don't experience shame. Impostors feel shame and that's a key difference. - [Interviewer] And can we define shame here? - [Interviewee] Yeah, yeah, it's personal, beating yourself up, embarrassment, humiliation. - Like I'm stupid! - Right. - [Interviewer] How could I have been so foolish? Et cetera. - Absolutely. - Okay. - [Interviewee] So it's the difference between, people, non impostors, they recognize they have setbacks, they have failures, and I always want to be clear with people. It's not that they're okay with it. I mean, they can be crushingly disappointed. I mean, think about sports, right? Intellectually, we all know one team's going to win and one team's going to lose. One team's going to be crying in their towel on the sidelines at the end of the championship, but they don't go home and hang up their uniform and quit. They go watch the game tape, they get more coaching, they get back in there and they say, "We'll get 'em next time." So it's really how you handle failures and setbacks that matter and again, you could be crushingly disappointed if you fail or fall short, but not ashamed. And the only time you feel ashamed is if you didn't try, or maybe you procrastinated to the very last minute and it didn't really reflect your best effort. Yeah, then shame is called for, but otherwise there's no shame. - [Interviewer] And so is there any kind of bridge you recommend that we cross in order to pull that off successfully or consistently? - [Interviewee] Absolutely, start thinking like a non impostor, even though you don't believe the new thoughts yet. I mean, somebody said to me, I was speaking at a group and she raised her hand and said, "Well, this is great value, but what if you tell yourself all this stuff and you still don't believe it?" And my response is, "No, trust me, you won't believe it." (chuckles) You believe the old thoughts, the old impostor rule book. But you have to keep telling yourself, but if you just can say to yourself, "Aren't I entitled to make a mistake once in a while? Aren't I entitled to have an off day?" I mean, that's the way non impostors think. You may not 100% believe it that day, but over time you start thinking, "Yeah, I am as entitled as the next person to get it wrong, have an off day and not know the answer."