Assertive versus aggressive

- Have you ever been called aggressive? How 'about shrill or intense, harsh or bossy? Or how 'about another B-word? These negative labels can really chip away at your confidence and at your willingness to ever speak up assertively again. I remember I was once called intense for daring to print out an agenda for a team meeting. I'm sorry, was my effort offensive to you? Oftentimes, our assertiveness can be misconstrued and given a negative label because the world too often conflates assertive with aggressive. So before we go any further, we've got to clarify the difference between the two. It all boils down to who's rights are being respected. Being assertive means being clear about your rights, needs, and wants, while being considerate of others' rights too. Being aggressive, on the other hand, means doing whatever's in your own best interest without regard for others' rights. Now to be clear, sometimes being aggressive can look quite mild. I mean, have you ever been on the receiving end of a sticky note from a roommate? They're making their rights known without sticking around to hear from you. So while being passive aggressive might look pretty tame, it's actually another form of bulldozing over others. Clarifying this difference between who's being assertive and who's being aggressive can be really important at work. A friend of mine, Doctor Lucy Gilson, was called by her boss to weigh in on a colleague's potential promotion. Doctor Gilson's boss admitted that the colleague in question was a high performer, but had heard from others around the office that she could be a little aggressive. Aggressive, huh? Well Doctor Gilson heard that keyword and laid out the difference between assertive and aggressive and explained how to all boils down to who's rights are being respected and then she asked her boss to reconsider. Do you really think she's trampling over others or is she just being forthright and clear about her own options and views? There was silence on the other end of the phone until her boss finally spoke up and said, "Can you say that one more time? "I'm writing this down. "I've never heard it explained that way before." And as a result, her colleague landed the promotion. When we clarify the difference between assertive and aggressive it helps us get away from subjective labels, like mean, harsh, or shrill, and instead focus on who's being respectful of everyone's rights.