Alan Alda on the art and science of relating

(soft electronic music) - So I really don't like tips. If I'm pressed really hard, there are three tips that I do kind of follow. Probably it's a good idea to follow these tips, after you get used to being connected to somebody. But there are three things that I like to do, and I call it the three rules of three. So the first rule is, I try only to say three important things when I talk to people, no more than three. If you can, if it's one thing, that's maybe even better, but usually there's a lot to say. When I make notes on what I want to talk about, if I see I'm going on past three, to four and five, I start eliminating them or seeing if I can fold them into the other things, because three things are really all I can remember. And I don't work from notes when I talk to people, and I advise other people not to. I never read it, because reading just excommunicates you, it's not communication, it's excommunication, in my view. So I can't remember more than three things, and I don't think they can remember more than three things. So what's the point of telling them stuff they're not going to remember? So I stick to three, that's rule number one of the rule of three, three things. The second rule is, if I have a difficult thing to understand, something I think is not going to be that easy to get, I try to say it in three different ways, because I think if you come in from different angles, you have a better chance of making, of getting a three-dimensional view of this difficult idea. So I try to say it three different ways. And the third tip, if I have a difficult thing that's hard to get, I try to say it three times through the talk, so that the first time you hear it, you start to used to it, the second time, it's familiar, and the third time, you say, oh yeah, yeah, right, okay. Now, I do follow those three tips, but I don't think I'd tell somebody, you're going to get up to talk, here are three tips to remember. It's a process, you got to get transformed into being a better communicator. You got to go through steps where, it's like going to the gym, only it's a lot more fun than going to the gym, because it involves connecting with another person, and we're built to connect with another person. In spite of the fact that we often avoid it, it actually is fun when we get into that position. So if we can get ourselves transformed into liking connecting with the audience we're talking to or writing for, then these tips will happen automatically, or finally we'll be able to put them to work in terms of that transformed way we have of connecting. It really feels good. (soft electronic music)