Join Fred Kofman for an in-depth discussion in this video Fred and John: Moving from victim to player, part of Powerless to Powerful: Taking Control.
- Let's see how John and I discuss changing from a victim perspective to being a player. What would you like to do, what would closure me, when you say, "I want to resolve this "issue so it's not alive anymore," because there are sick people out there. So we can't prevent that, and there are sick systems out there. So, injustice is kind of like hurricanes. They hurt a lot of people, but it's there.
So aspiring to not have it is a good thing, but I'd like to just negotiate, what can we do, because I wish I could say, well, it's worth it for a world without injustice, but that's going to take too long. We need something a little more immediate. - I would have handled it better if I was better equipped. You know? With the proper resources and response to those scenarios, because as an employee, and you have person that is two, three layers above you acting in this manner, it puts you in a very difficult place, in how you respond.
- You're stealing my line. I don't know if I'll able to help you very much, because you're already saying it. You see, most people in your situation, and the natural thing for anybody to do in your situation, is to blame the other person. Because they deserve to be blamed. They are doing something unjust, unfair, wrong. So it's the natural attitude. What you said is amazingly different, and I've heard very few people that start there. The way you said, "I want to be better equipped to respond." - Yes. - That is not natural.
I'm supposed to be the one teaching you that, okay? You're taking away my line. Because the whole point is, when people suffer injustice, we tend to feel victimized. And we are victimized, but the perspective of the victim, which blames the other, hides the fact that you can prepare yourself to respond. You were targeted by a person in authority, supported by a system that did not curtail his attack, or stop it.
Under those conditions, anybody would be justified in feeling victimized. And you are, and it's okay. But you're saying, "Okay, I can't stop that. "But I can respond better to that." That is the beginning of resolution. How do you prepare yourself so that something like that does not get you in the sense of your own spirit? 'Cause it can get you from the outside, I mean, there's no certainty, there's no guarantee of practical solutions, there may be things to do, but I don't know the details of that, but it's more a spiritual thing, it's this sense of, you know, I responded properly, I'm proud of myself, because I'm untouched.
- It brings us back to why I'm here, right? You know, the whole thing is, it could happen again. - Yes, but what would you do if it happened again? - Do I walk away again? Do you always walk away? - I don't know. But it could happen again. - Yeah. - That's the tough thing, is to live with the knowledge that it could happen again. You know, I'll give you another one, you want to worry about something? If everything goes really well, like really, really well, we're going to get old, we're going to get sick, and we're going to die. That's like, that's like a good plan.
Could be worse, but that's actually pretty good. Now, I think about that, so what are we doing here? The best that we can hope for is to get old, get sick, and die. - And the worst is, you could lay in bed and not wake up tomorrow. - Yeah! And yet, we smile. How do we live life with that knowledge happily? Because we know something, there's something in our spirits that know that even though those things can happen, life is happening now, and we live today, and we live with pride, and we live with joy, and is this moment.
That is the only antidote, not the, like, the childish fantasy, oh, it's not going to happen, it's always going to be all right, it's not going to be all right, but in a sense, that's what I call being a player. Being a player is I'm in the game. I'm making the best, every moment I can, given the situations, what will happen tomorrow? I don't know, but I trust myself to respond. But the solution is not a world in which that doesn't happen. The solution is a world in which you'll feel equipped to deal with that. You did deal with that incredibly well, given the conditions.
You learned your lesson. You have the pride, and you have the knowledge. Just lose the bad taste. There's no, there's nothing left. It's just, let go, I mean, you're used to the bad taste, you've been carrying it for so long, it's like an old friend, but it's heavy. It's time, maybe, to part ways.