Join Fred Kofman for an in-depth discussion in this video Fred and Angeli: Negotiating, part of Fred Kofman on Managing Conflict.
- Let's see in the conversation with Angeli how I role played explaining to Alice that the bio-system doesn't work for me. Okay, I would imagine alphabetizing them. It has worked for me, but is there a problem, because there maybe something that makes it not really profitable in your case. What do you think? - No, I think alphabetizing would be fine as long as I have the space to put everything, to be able to see them. - Totally. - Right? - Okay, what I hear is so far that we haven't created that space.
That's my accountability. Sounds perfect. Why don't we do it together? - Okay. - Let's make the space. I have the resources to make the space and try the alphabetizing. Then maybe with this space you would figure that there's another problem. We'll explore, but let's take the first step. Can we do it like that? I will make the space and buy the materials to record for that and then you'll alphabetize and we'll check in next week, see how it goes. - Right. - Okay, so why are you smiling? - I don't, I don't know. I just, it's an interesting conversation.
It just feels like you suggested, it's the suggestion, right? - Yes. - And she still has to buy into it? - Totally. - And that's fine, or maybe she'll come back with a better idea, maybe it's chronological makes more exact or -- - Exactly, but now I wanna show you the bite, because it looks like so soft, but there's an edge to this. I'd like you to be unreasonable, like, I don't know, play it out. Maybe she hasn't said that, "No, I'm not going to do it, no, I don't want to do it." - Right, and that's it, yeah. - That's it, yeah. - Great.
- So let's try it out, because then I'm going to be a little harder. - Okay. - Not bossy in my opinion, but yet more assertive. - Okay. - And I'd like to just also give you a taste of that energy. So yeah, how about this suggestion that to alphabetize them. - Yeah, that's not going to work. - Okay, I understand, what I'd like to know is why not? - Because I know where everything is and it's just going to take way too much time to put them in order. I'm not doing it. - Okay, well, whether you do it or not, I'd rather not get into that conversation yet, because we are talking about good ideas.
I mean, unless you say you just not going to do it because you are not going to do it, if it's a good idea, you still refuse to do it just for the sake of opposing me? Or are you saying, "I'm not going to do it "because it's not a good idea?" - No, I think it's not a good idea. - Okay, then let's talk about whether it's a good idea. Because if it's a good idea then you would do it, would you? - I would do it. - Okay, so we're on the same page. - Right. - Very good. Pause. Did you notice that? That it's hard to be unreasonable. - Right. - I'm just not going to do it. Why not? But if it's not a good idea, I'm not doing it, reasonable.
If it's a good idea, I'm not doing it, now you're looking bad to yourself. You said, "No, I can't say that." - Right, right. - So let's take a step back. - So finding that other choice, finding that other motivation, it's the motivation. - It's the merits of the case, it's saying "Let's get it out of this ego battle. "I'm going to do it, not going to do it." No, what is that? No. - Right. - We're trying to be effective together in good tone. I'm not going to push you to do something unreasonable. But don't push me back that you're not going to do something reasonable. - Right.
- That's not acceptable. - Right. - I mean, if a person tells me that, "No, I'm just not going to do it "because I'm not going to do it," now we have a different conversation. But most people know that that would be hard to justify that kind of statement. But I said, "Look, it may not be a good idea, "and if it's not a good idea, "I would never ask you to do it." Next time you have a disagreement, instead of jumping to solution, try asking the other person, "Why is that important to you? "Why is that important to you? "What do you expect to get from that?" And then listen to them in the way we described.
And then explain to them what is important to you, and what you expect to get. See what happens.
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