Join Fred Kofman for an in-depth discussion in this video Fred and Angeli: Getting past push-back, part of Fred Kofman on Managing Conflict.
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- I'd like to be, again, Alice, - Uh huh. and you be yourself. Now imagine that we're problem solving and I'm positive, I'm with you. - Right, right. - Look, Angelie, I'd love to be less hurried but I'm not sure why, there's just a lot of work. - The work is not going to go away, right? We have the level of work that we need to accomplish. - I know, I've resigned myself to being rushed all the time. - But what tools could we implement? What else could we use? - I don't know, if I knew I would have done it.
(both laughing) - Okay? - Okay. - No, no, no, this is beautiful. What I hear you do is try to be very gentle. - Uh huh. - To preserve the spirit of the relationship. - Right, sure. - I'd like to show that there's a way to be gentle - Uh huh. and yet assertive. - Okay. - Because you do have ideas. - Right. - Let's try something, I'm going to use what you said. I'll be you, so now I'm Angelie and you be Alice. So, Alice I have a suggestion, something that has worked for me.
I'd like to test it with you. When I have all these cases I like to have them in alphabetical order. - Uh huh. - We've talked about that, you say it works for you. I'm frankly baffled, because I do see you rifling through cases. It's not like you go and you have tabs and you can pick up, and it takes time. - This is me, like, timing out right? I have asked that question and there's never - What does she say? - Her response has always, - Just use her response - So her response is always "I know exactly "where everything is." - Okay - I mean, it was just, it's this pushback of you have this idea.
I hope that somebody gets to this idea on their own. - I think the difference is the context of the suggestion. It's not the suggestion, - Right. - You see, if I tell you the suggestion as "I'm right, "you're wrong and I'm going to tell you how to do it." - Right. - That's another push. - Right. - If we've created this context of shared problem solving and we're brain storming, it doesn't even matter who's suggestion it is. What I'm trying to show is that in the more assertive part where I have an idea that you may not know or you may not have tried I don't want to beat you up with this idea. - Right.
I want to put it on the table like, "This may not work - Right. - "but this is something I would try, why not?" I like to explore that because it's an example of a larger issue which is how to be assertive without destroying the relationship. - Right. - How to put forward your suggestion in a way that doesn't make the other person feel like they are losing by adopting it. That's the key. That's the key to being a leader as opposed to being a boss. A boss would say "You are going to do this "because I tell you." - Right.
- A leader will say "Look, I have a suggestion." But the leader is not the person who says "You figure it out by yourselves." No, "I do have a responsibility, I will help, "but you're a smart person, I'm a smart person, too, "so let's put out heads together and see "if we can figure this out together." That feeling of community in the problem solving is what relaxes the conversation.
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