IntroductionWelcome| 00:04 | Hi, my name is Lisa Gates, and welcome to
Conflict Resolution Fundamentals.
| | 00:11 | So, conflict.
| | 00:12 | Despite our best efforts, we find ourselves
in the middle of challenging situations and
| | 00:17 | relationships almost every day.
| | 00:20 | Our success in the workplace hinges on the
quality of our relationships and our ability
| | 00:25 | to find collaborative
solutions to those challenges.
| | 00:28 | With the right set of practices and skills
for resolving conflict, you can repair or
| | 00:33 | preserve your relationships,
not only at work, but everywhere.
| | 00:38 | In my coaching and consulting practice, I
help people navigate all kinds of conflict,
| | 00:44 | internal conflicts about their career choices,
and challenges with asking for raises and
| | 00:48 | promotions or external conflicts with, say,
difficult people and managing workability in teams.
| | 00:55 | In these one-on-one conversations I, too,
run the risk of creating conflict when I have
| | 01:01 | to challenge their patterns and beliefs
and the choices they make as a result.
| | 01:06 | During this course, I will show you some of
the best practices I use, a simple repeatable
| | 01:11 | process for finding your way
through conflict and back to cooperation.
| | 01:16 | I will start by providing an overview of the
social psychology of conflict to expand your
| | 01:22 | awareness about how our perceptions and
behaviors influence our everyday interactions.
| | 01:28 | We will then dive into the roadmap to resolution,
a six-part exploration of the best practices
| | 01:35 | and skills aimed at expanding your
capacity to handle difficult situations.
| | 01:41 | To bring the course to life, I will be using
example scenarios with Heather, a senior manager,
| | 01:47 | and Jack, one of her team members.
| | 01:50 | Along the way, I will be giving you
additional resources and exercises to help you deepen
| | 01:55 | the practices and make them
personally relevant and specific.
| | 02:00 | So, congratulations on taking this incredibly
important step in increasing your value in
| | 02:06 | the workplace and the world.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Using the exercise files| 00:01 | During this course we will be exploring a
simple repeatable process for finding your
| | 00:05 | way through conflict and back to workability.
| | 00:08 | I have provided an exercise guide that's
available to all lynda.com members to help you get
| | 00:14 | the most from each movie in this course.
| | 00:17 | The guide can be found in the Exercise Files
tab on the Course Details page, or if you're
| | 00:22 | watching this tutorial on a DVD, the
exercise files have been included there.
| | 00:28 | The guide includes terms and definitions and additional
resources that will help you personalize your experience.
| | 00:34 | I recommend keeping these on
hand as you go through the course.
| | 00:38 | So, let's get started.
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
1. Anatomy of ConflictUnderstanding conflict: Name, blame, claim| 00:01 | Conflicts sprout up 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week, but we don't experience them as troublesome
| | 00:07 | until they ripen into a dispute.
| | 00:09 | At its core, conflict resolution is really a
communication discipline with a set of flexible practices.
| | 00:18 | Before we dive into those practices, it's
a good idea to gain an understanding of the
| | 00:23 | social psychology that influences our disputes.
| | 00:26 | We will begin by taking a look at the
anatomy of conflict and how we get locked into the
| | 00:32 | name, blame, and claim cycle.
| | 00:35 | We are human, and in relationship to one another, we
often have conflicting wants, needs, goals, and values.
| | 00:43 | We have imbalances in our access to resources,
and we have differing opinions about the rules
| | 00:48 | that should govern everyone's conduct.
| | 00:50 | A dispute arises from conflict when three
circumstances come together at the same time:
| | 00:57 | The belief that you're being deprived of
something you need or want, the belief that someone
| | 01:02 | else is causing the deprivation, and the belief
that deprivation violates a social norm or rule.
| | 01:11 | These circumstances can be captured
in three words: Name, Blame, and Claim.
| | 01:16 | So, let's say Jack forgets to include his
manager Heather in an email loop about a
| | 01:21 | new project he is angling for.
| | 01:24 | Heather gets upset about being bypassed
and accuses Jack of violating the social rule
| | 01:30 | of running things past the boss.
| | 01:33 | Her accusation is the beginning
of the name-blame-claim loop.
| | 01:37 | And we are off and running,
it's a full-blown dispute.
| | 01:43 | Heather feels she's been deprived of something
she wants, she blames Jack for the wrongdoing,
| | 01:49 | and claims he's violated a workplace norm.
So now let's make this personal.
| | 01:56 | If you backpedal to your most recent argument with a friend
or co-worker, see if you can deconstruct your conversation.
| | 02:03 | Remember, even if the argument only occurred in
your head, it's still a conflict, an internal conflict.
| | 02:11 | So if you haven't had a full-blown argument
recently, thinking about something you're
| | 02:15 | upset about but haven't yet aired.
| | 02:18 | When you pointed your finger,
what did you name as the issue?
| | 02:22 | And right on the heels of
that, who did you blame?
| | 02:25 | And with little if any conversation, what
did you claim as a solution that would turn
| | 02:30 | everything around and solve
the problem in your favor?
| | 02:34 | If you were on the receiving end of the
name-blame-claim loop, how did you react?
| | 02:40 | If you take the time to do this inquiry, you will
create a framework for seeing the conflict clearly.
| | 02:47 | So take a look at the exercise guide for this
movie, it will help you ponder those questions,
| | 02:52 | and that way you will have a working
example to use throughout the course.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Conflict response styles| 00:01 | Way before we engage in an act of dispute,
no matter the scenario, we have some fairly
| | 00:06 | ingrained ways of responding to conflict.
| | 00:10 | These conflict response styles
are deeply sourced from our culture.
| | 00:14 | It's important to understand our responses
to conflict, to build awareness, and to grow
| | 00:19 | our capacity to make
better choices in the moment.
| | 00:23 | As we go through each style, be on
the lookout for your default responses.
| | 00:27 | We will focus here on the five most typical
styles we use in an effort to deal with our discomfort.
| | 00:33 | I also cover this topic in the
Negotiation Fundamentals course.
| | 00:38 | Here in the context of conflict, it
takes on a slightly different shape.
| | 00:43 | These styles are Suppression, Avoidance,
Resolution, Transformation, and Transcendence.
| | 00:52 | We suppress, we refuse to talk about certain things, and we
tell others that they shouldn't talk about them either.
| | 00:58 | We shut down any possible resolution
because the whole process makes us uncomfortable.
| | 01:04 | We avoid, we don't even give voice
to our true thoughts or feelings.
| | 01:08 | Instead, we stew, we harbor bad thoughts,
we have imaginary conversations in our heads,
| | 01:14 | or we talk to someone else, trying to gain alliances
and prove we are right and the other person is wrong.
| | 01:21 | Moving up the scale of our problem-
solving capacity is resolution.
| | 01:25 | With this style we are engaged, we are making an
effort to understand why the conflict occurred,
| | 01:32 | and we're brainstorming ways to
solve the problem cooperatively.
| | 01:36 | We also transform, that means we use the
conflict to transform our relationships.
| | 01:43 | We work to understand our conflict partner
while also owning our part with the intention
| | 01:48 | of shifting our behavior in a lasting way.
| | 01:52 | You'll notice that I use the term Conflict Partner.
This is because not only does it take two
| | 01:57 | to tango, it takes immense courage
to take your part in the conflict.
| | 02:02 | We are also capable of transcending conflict,
moving past it free of bitterness and resentment,
| | 02:09 | because we move past the need to engage.
We've given up the hold our triggers have on us.
| | 02:15 | By now you've probably identified
your default responses to conflict.
| | 02:20 | If you operate somewhere between resolution,
transformation, and transcendence, congratulations!
| | 02:27 | You are way ahead of the game.
| | 02:29 | On the other hand, if you notice that you
travel between suppression and avoidance,
| | 02:34 | start paying attention to your triggers,
the things that typically upset you.
| | 02:39 | And notice how your default response
alters the quality of your relationships.
| | 02:45 | Here's why: You can't resolve a conflict
unless you're willing to take your part in it.
| | 02:51 | So, be honest with yourself, where do you land?
| | 02:56 | All this awareness building is an
essential ingredient to resolving any conflict.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Contentious tactics| 00:01 | Getting into conflict is very easy to do.
| | 00:04 | We are busy getting things done and checking
things off our to-do list, and suddenly there
| | 00:08 | we are saying or doing something
that upsets someone or vice-versa.
| | 00:13 | And if we feel we haven't been treated with
equality or we haven't gotten our fair share
| | 00:18 | of value or if we perceive our needs
have been thwarted, we react, we say "Ouch."
| | 00:24 | At this point, if we are not skilled in problem-
solving, we often resort to contentious tactics.
| | 00:31 | Contending is trying to resolve conflict on our own
terms without regard for the other side's interests.
| | 00:37 | We hold our ground to prove we are
right and our conflict partner is wrong.
| | 00:42 | All of the contentious tactics we will be
exploring are attempts to manipulate your conflict partner.
| | 00:48 | In the absence of conflict resolution skills,
it's doing whatever you need to do to win.
| | 00:54 | Again, it's important for you to recognize
these tactics to increase your self-awareness
| | 01:00 | and to notice when others
are employing them against you.
| | 01:04 | This awareness will give you access to your Pause button
and the possibility of choosing a more cooperative approach.
| | 01:11 | So, here's the list of contentious tactics:
Ingratiation, Promises, Shaming,
| | 01:19 | Persuasive Argumentation, Threats,
Gamesmanship, and Violence.
| | 01:24 | And here is what they look like in action.
| | 01:27 | Ingratiation is getting what we want through sweet
talk or flattery or because we are just so charming.
| | 01:33 | It's a fairly useful tactic and
most appreciated when it's authentic.
| | 01:39 | Promises means getting what you want
now by agreeing to do something later.
| | 01:45 | For example, you might promise to take someone
to lunch in return for covering for your shift.
| | 01:50 | Again, this is useful tactic, especially when it's
employed for mutual gain as opposed to a power-play.
| | 01:58 | Persuasive argumentation is the use of logic and reason
to attempt to change someone's behavior or position.
| | 02:06 | This tactic is not always successful because
convincing someone to do something they don't
| | 02:11 | want to do often backfires, especially if
they are in true agreement. Next is shaming.
| | 02:19 | This tactic is expressing shock or disapproval about
someone's choices or behavior, usually on moral grounds.
| | 02:28 | Shaming is a much more popular tactic than
most of us would like to admit, but using
| | 02:33 | it can tear relationships apart.
| | 02:37 | The next tactic is when you will want to take off your list
if you're committed to collaboration and big picture results:
| | 02:43 | Threats, this is getting what we want by saying
we'll cause the other person harm if they don't comply.
| | 02:50 | Threats can range from really subtle to
frightening, and they can come from a variety of places
| | 02:56 | like email, text messages, and conversation.
| | 03:00 | Just remember that every threat or
accusation is really a cry for help.
| | 03:07 | Gamesmanship is getting what we want by
pushing the rules or ratcheting up the stakes,
| | 03:13 | like forcing a foul in basketball.
| | 03:15 | The sole purpose of this
tactic is to come out ahead.
| | 03:19 | And finally, Physical force.
| | 03:22 | This is anything from hitting, pushing,
shoving, and taking to war and terrorism.
| | 03:28 | Although we have rules and laws that govern our
behavior in this area, we break them routinely.
| | 03:35 | One example among many, I experienced in the
workplace was when a co-worker grabbed a report
| | 03:40 | I'd worked on for weeks
and tossed it in the air.
| | 03:44 | I want to remind you why
understanding these tactics is so important.
| | 03:50 | You have to teach people
how you want to be treated.
| | 03:54 | And if you call attention to the tactic as
it's happening, it puts your conflict partner
| | 03:58 | on notice that you won't play victim.
| | 04:02 | Most often, they will acknowledge
their mis-step and return to cooperation.
| | 04:06 | Now, think back to your most recent disagreement and take
a look at it through the lens of contentious tactics.
| | 04:15 | You'll undoubtedly notice
your own go-to choices.
| | 04:19 | And this is a giant step forward in
choosing a constructive alternative.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Cognitive bias| 00:01 | Let's focus on some of the universal thoughts that cloud
our judgment and dominate the texture of our disagreements.
| | 00:08 | These universal thoughts are called
cognitive biases, and they operate below the surface
| | 00:13 | of our awareness, and when we are in the middle
of a conflict that's escalated into a full-blown
| | 00:18 | dispute, biases and buried thought patterns often
cause us to cling to our positions like barnacles.
| | 00:25 | So let's uncover how these cognitive
biases work in our everyday conversations.
| | 00:32 | Hindsight bias, this is also
called the "I knew it all along" bias.
| | 00:36 | It's the tendency to view
past events as being predictable.
| | 00:41 | In our example, when Heather accuses Jack
of intentionally excluding her from an email
| | 00:45 | chain, Jack might say, "I knew you'd
have that reaction and wouldn't support me."
| | 00:52 | Next is fundamental attribution error.
| | 00:55 | This is the tendency for people to explain
the behavior of others as personality defects
| | 01:00 | while minimizing the role
of situational influences.
| | 01:04 | Heather views Jack's failure to keep her in
the loop as being political or underhanded,
| | 01:09 | a personality defect, rather than a factor
of busyness or forgetfulness, or as is often
| | 01:16 | the case, another more buried
reason, and we'll get to that.
| | 01:21 | Confirmation bias is the tendency to look for or interpret
information in a way that confirms our preconceptions.
| | 01:29 | Heather's view that Jack is out for himself is
confirmed yet again by his failure to loop her in.
| | 01:37 | Self-serving bias is the tendency to take
more credit for successes than failures and
| | 01:42 | to interpret events in a way
that benefits our interests.
| | 01:47 | This might play out like Jack talking about
how his individual accomplishments made him
| | 01:51 | a great fit for a new project, while minimizing the
impact that work would have on his current responsibilities.
| | 01:59 | And finally, belief bias.
| | 02:02 | This is when we form an opinion about the
logic of an idea or a proposal, not on its
| | 02:07 | merits, but on the belief in the
truth or falsity of the conclusion.
| | 02:12 | A workplace example might be if management
is pushing production to produce more volume,
| | 02:18 | believing more is better, then any proposal
favoring quality over quantity will likely be rejected.
| | 02:26 | These are only a few of the cognitive
biases that operate in the conflict cycle.
| | 02:31 | In truth, we have infinite implicit and explicit
biases and beliefs about gender, race, nationality,
| | 02:39 | and economic status, same for weight, appearance,
how tall or short somebody is, you name it.
| | 02:46 | Even though we don't have enough
information to know without a doubt why people do what
| | 02:51 | they do or think what they think, our brains
are wired to judge, to assess, to find meaning.
| | 02:58 | In the absence of information, our brains
are fast at work trying to put things in tiny
| | 03:02 | little boxes that fit with
our perceptions of reality.
| | 03:07 | We've been doing this since we became two-leggeds, intent on
surviving and making sense of a dangerous and confusing world.
| | 03:15 | So it's somewhere between unlikely and impossible
to eliminate cognitive bias in ourselves or others.
| | 03:23 | Later in the course, I'll be giving you a
roadmap out of this communication mine field.
| | 03:28 | In the meantime, I invite you to test your own
biases by visiting Harvard University's Project Implicit.
| | 03:36 | Take one or more of the
Implicit Association test.
| | 03:39 | You may be startled by what
you discover about yourself.
| | 03:43 | But here's the true value.
| | 03:45 | If you can recognize your own biases, you
can take a step back from them and allow room
| | 03:50 | for your conflict partner's perspective.
| | 03:53 | This awareness not only helps you defuse a
conflict, they can help you avoid it altogether.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Principles of influence| 00:01 | In our everyday conversations and disputes, we employ
what social scientists call Principles of Influence.
| | 00:09 | Understanding these principles and consciously
choosing them helps us regain our balance
| | 00:14 | during a dispute and find
our way back to cooperation.
| | 00:19 | The principles of influence are Reciprocity, Consistency,
Social Proof, Liking, Authority, and Scarcity.
| | 00:29 | We're highly motivated to return a favor or
a good deed or respond to a positive action
| | 00:34 | with another positive action.
This is the principle of reciprocity.
| | 00:39 | As a social norm, if you're treated kindly,
you're much more likely to respond with kindness,
| | 00:45 | rather than self-interest.
| | 00:47 | If you're treated with hostility, you're
likely to match that hostility or worse.
| | 00:52 | As Heather and Jack attempt to resolve their
misunderstanding, Heather might agree to make
| | 00:57 | herself available for quick career development
check-ins, while Jack might respond by running
| | 01:02 | new opportunities by Heather first.
| | 01:04 | So using reciprocity requires knowing what you
want and what you're willing to give in return.
| | 01:12 | Consistency is really about integrity.
| | 01:16 | Once we commit to something, we have a
strong drive to do what we say we're going to do.
| | 01:21 | That's why we're motivated to make good on
financial agreements or to meet deadlines on projects.
| | 01:27 | Social proof, it's really about
conforming to custom or group behavior.
| | 01:33 | You're more likely to put a tip in the jar if
there's already money in it, or work overtime
| | 01:37 | on a project if the whole
team is doing the same.
| | 01:42 | Social proof in the workplace might look like
getting the ear of an influence or to support
| | 01:46 | your promotion or a creative idea.
| | 01:50 | The principle of liking means that people who are
similar to us are more likely to be influenced by us.
| | 01:57 | If you are a mom, you are more likely to connect
with and trust other moms in your organization.
| | 02:03 | The next principle is authority, our
tendency to obey or believe people in positions of
| | 02:09 | power, like a boss or a professor.
| | 02:12 | But power is not solely vested
in someone's title or position.
| | 02:17 | We also align with authority by the brands
we buy, the cars we drive, the clothes we
| | 02:23 | wear, and even the people we hang out with.
| | 02:26 | We also use authority when we cite
statistics or use testimonials or customer feedback to
| | 02:32 | give our product or service credibility.
| | 02:36 | Continuing with our conflict story, Jack may
claim more authority and gain more workability
| | 02:42 | by networking with influencers in the company,
asking for Heather's buy-in on projects and
| | 02:48 | regularly communicating his results, and
accomplishments to her. Finally, scarcity.
| | 02:55 | It's the idea that if something is in
limited supply it will create demand.
| | 03:00 | We see this in advertising all the
time, buy now, supplies are limited.
| | 03:05 | In the workplace, scarcity
may take the form of urgency.
| | 03:09 | If you are trying to get buy-in on an idea
or a project, you might stress the impact
| | 03:13 | that acting immediately will have on the
competition or productivity and bottom lines.
| | 03:20 | All of these persuasion principles can be
used to deceive or manipulate, or they can
| | 03:25 | be used honestly to help guide
people to take positive action.
| | 03:29 | So the key to your success as a problem-
solver is to become a student of human nature.
| | 03:36 | Seek to understand what motivates people
to do what they do and use the principles of
| | 03:41 | influence collaboratively for the greater good.
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
2. Resolution Roadmap: The Six StepsThe resolution roadmap| 00:01 | Up to this point, we've focused on the
social psychology of conflict and communication.
| | 00:06 | The purpose was to turn up your self-awareness and
increase your capacity to understand yourself and others.
| | 00:13 | Now we are going to focus
on strategies and solutions.
| | 00:18 | I'll start by introducing you to
the six-step resolution roadmap.
| | 00:22 | This is a set of practices for building your
conflict resolution muscles in any situation.
| | 00:28 | So here's the roadmap: identifying the issues,
building trust, asking diagnostic questions,
| | 00:36 | reframing strategies,
brainstorming, and getting to agreement.
| | 00:41 | We'll go in deep on each practice.
| | 00:44 | But first, here are two things
to do right now to get you ready.
| | 00:49 | We often don't like in others what
we don't want to see in ourselves.
| | 00:52 | So take a minute to open your resolution
roadmap worksheet from your exercise files.
| | 00:59 | Write down five of your own behaviors that
you would like to change, especially when
| | 01:04 | you see that behavior in others.
These are your triggers.
| | 01:09 | Go ahead, hit the Pause button, I'll wait.
| | 01:13 | Now I am going to walk you
through the conflict capacity scale.
| | 01:17 | This activity is also
included in the exercise files.
| | 01:22 | To start, think about a recent argument you
had with a boss, a co-worker, or a family member.
| | 01:28 | Somebody did something, and you
got upset, maybe really upset.
| | 01:34 | On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest
level of intensity, how triggered or upset were you?
| | 01:42 | Now identify your capacity to deal with the
feelings that come up around that trigger.
| | 01:48 | A one would mean that you have very little
capacity to deal with the feelings, and a
| | 01:52 | ten would mean you have a great deal of capacity to
deal with the feelings that come up around the trigger.
| | 01:59 | For example, let's say Heather
keeps taking credit for Jack's work.
| | 02:03 | Let's also say Jack's a nine on the
Trigger scale and a three on the Capacity scale.
| | 02:10 | This means Jack's extremely frustrated and
doesn't understand how to deal with his frustration.
| | 02:16 | The gap between how intensely he is
triggered and his low capacity for dealing with those
| | 02:21 | feelings suggest that Jack is not likely
to make a run at resolving the conflict.
| | 02:28 | For Jack, this means he needs to lean
into the conflict and not away from it.
| | 02:33 | It's the only way he'll close the gap, reduce his
stress, and improve his workplace relationships.
| | 02:39 | The resolution roadmap is a discipline, a
set of practices you can use to build your
| | 02:45 | capacity to transform your relationships.
| | 02:49 | And notice I said to you. We can't change other
people, and it's pretty much pointless to try.
| | 02:56 | What we do have access to and
control over is ourselves, our responses.
| | 03:01 | We can do the changing.
| | 03:03 | So I'm going to leave you with this thought
as a mantra for the rest of the course:
| | 03:08 | It's never about the other
person ever, even when it is.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Step one: Identifying the issues| 00:01 | When we are in the middle of an argument,
we often don't know why or how we even got
| | 00:05 | there because so many
arguments begin over trifles.
| | 00:10 | The real issue is buried underneath.
| | 00:13 | So let's focus on the first step in the
resolution roadmap, identifying the issues.
| | 00:19 | Let's say Jack is under pressure at work.
| | 00:21 | He has been missing
deadlines and doing shoddy work.
| | 00:24 | He's afraid that Heather will fire
him if he doesn't get his act together.
| | 00:27 | Add to that the fact that he sees
Heather as hypercritical and hovering.
| | 00:33 | So, how did Jack and Heather move from
avoidance and blame to, "Houston, we have a problem?"
| | 00:39 | This classic line from the movie Apollo 13
was not phrased, "Houston, you have a problem."
| | 00:45 | If it had, things would have turned out
much more dire than they did for everyone.
| | 00:50 | When we are in a blaming state of mind,
acknowledging the conflict and being willing to talk about
| | 00:56 | it may be far more difficult than
all of the other steps combined.
| | 01:01 | So pointing fingers keeps you in an endless cycle
of blame and nowhere near uncovering the real issue.
| | 01:09 | To help you through this hurdle, you can
practice doing three very evolved tasks before you
| | 01:14 | even sit down at the resolution table.
First, identify the nature of the disagreement.
| | 01:21 | Is it relational, something
having to do with your relationship?
| | 01:25 | Or is it substantive, a disagreement
about content or process?
| | 01:30 | Or is it perceptual, a disagreement
about how you are viewing a situation?
| | 01:36 | Second, investigate your own interests.
| | 01:39 | If you identify that your disagreement is
over process, how something gets done, you
| | 01:45 | must also identify what values, preferences,
or needs you perceive are being thwarted.
| | 01:51 | Once you've worked through the first two tasks, the third
task is to ask for a conversation with your conflict partner.
| | 01:58 | Schedule it so you have plenty of time to
get to agreement somewhere face-to-face or
| | 02:03 | at least voice-to-voice, with plenty of privacy.
Remember, cognitive biases cloud our judgment.
| | 02:11 | Heather doesn't know if Jack's shoes are
too tight and making him testy, or whether he
| | 02:15 | is buried in administrative
work and needs an assistant.
| | 02:18 | If Heather assumes anything, it should be that Jack's
actions are not directed at her personally, that's key.
| | 02:27 | So once you are at the table, your first task
is to identify your conflict partner's interests.
| | 02:34 | So you need to do two things: one, listen.
| | 02:38 | Hear your partner out, even if you think you
already understand their perspective, listen.
| | 02:44 | If you listen without interjection and counterpoint,
very often you'll discover a slice of information
| | 02:50 | that helps solve the entire issue.
| | 02:52 | Two, confirm your understanding by paraphrasing
or restating what your conflict partner says.
| | 03:00 | If you are unclear, say so, and
keep at it until you are clear.
| | 03:04 | All right, we've just covered what is for many people
the most difficult piece of the conflict equation, beginning.
| | 03:13 | So gather your courage and choose to be the
one who takes the first step towards resolution.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Step two: Building trust| 00:01 | Once you've cleared the hurdle of initiating a
conversation with your conflict partner, you have a choice.
| | 00:07 | You can point fingers and dig yourself in
deeper, or you can take the high road and
| | 00:11 | commit to collaborative problem-solving.
| | 00:14 | This means you're choosing to make every
effort to move through the discovery phase of the
| | 00:19 | conversation without assigning blame.
| | 00:22 | To do this, you need to build trust
and create an atmosphere of possibility.
| | 00:28 | It's a very tall order, but if you commit to the
bigger picture and practice, you will find your way.
| | 00:34 | I'll give you some guidelines for building trust that will
help you create a safe environment for resolving any conflict.
| | 00:41 | If things get heated, you have
control of one thing: yourself.
| | 00:46 | Pause, breathe, slow things down.
| | 00:50 | When you resume, speak in a
measured tone, even if your partner can't.
| | 00:54 | They will likely match your
conversation style unconsciously.
| | 00:59 | The language of blame
starts with you, he, or they.
| | 01:03 | The language of responsibility begins with I.
| | 01:06 | For example, you might say, "I am really angry,"
as opposed to, "You make me really angry,"
| | 01:11 | or, "I am afraid I won't be heard,"
works better than, "You never listen to me."
| | 01:17 | So, take personal responsibility.
| | 01:21 | Active listening is really the
crown jewel of conflict resolution.
| | 01:26 | Let your conflict partner vent and give them time, ask them
to let you rephrase uninterrupted what you're hearing.
| | 01:34 | It's incredibly easy to forget,
especially when temperatures run high.
| | 01:39 | So I recommend that you practice active
listening in your everyday conversations.
| | 01:45 | Listen without interruption
and repeat what you hear.
| | 01:48 | You may find that it
transforms your relationships.
| | 01:52 | It's tempting to dredge up every other
incident that's ever occurred in the past.
| | 01:57 | You can avoid the pull of what I call "kitchen sink" arguing
by redirecting the conversation back to the present.
| | 02:05 | You might say, "It seems like we are drifting
off-topic, we were talking about missing deadlines,
| | 02:10 | let's go back to that."
| | 02:12 | Even when you are certain the
other person is the wrongdoer,
| | 02:16 | take responsibility for your part in the conflict;
otherwise, you run the risk of staying hooked
| | 02:22 | in the name-blame-claim loop.
| | 02:24 | No matter the issue, keep your focus on your
commitment to a mutually-beneficial outcome.
| | 02:31 | Repeating a stock phrase like, "I am sure
we can solve this," will demonstrate your
| | 02:36 | commitment and keep trust high.
| | 02:38 | Remember, these are guidelines,
not a paint-by-numbers process.
| | 02:43 | No doubt you'll be bouncing back and forth between
them as you need to throughout your conversation.
| | 02:49 | At this point, you have a sturdy but hopeful
beginning to the conflict resolution process,
| | 02:55 | one that's hard on the
issue and soft on the people.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Step three: Asking diagnostic questions| 00:01 | At the heart of conflict resolution is
a technique called Diagnostic Questions.
| | 00:07 | Diagnostic Questions are open-ended, usually
starting with words like who, what, when,
| | 00:11 | where, why, or how, or phrases like "tell me
more about" or, "How can I understand this better?"
| | 00:18 | Make no mistake, asking diagnostic questions
is your default go-to, first resort/last resort,
| | 00:25 | I am stuck and I don't
know where to go strategy.
| | 00:28 | Asking diagnostic questions will help you
understand the issues from your conflict partner's
| | 00:33 | perspective and discover what their
needs and preferences and goals are.
| | 00:38 | This will also save you when you get
stuck in conflict quicksand, and here's why.
| | 00:44 | In the absence of facts and information, we
tend to mind-read and make assumptions, or
| | 00:49 | worse we try to convince people to
do something they don't want to do.
| | 00:53 | But if you're committed to finding durable
mutually-satisfying resolutions, asking diagnostic
| | 00:59 | questions helps you come
from a place of curiosity.
| | 01:03 | You'll gain clarity and guide the
conversation toward positive next steps.
| | 01:08 | I'll give you a couple of examples of how a
statement or an assumption can be turned into a question.
| | 01:14 | First, the assumption: Dave
put you up to this...I knew it.
| | 01:19 | Now the open-ended question: Who
else has an interest in this issue?
| | 01:24 | Here's another one: Your idea will have
a terrible impact on customer service.
| | 01:30 | And now reframed: Who might be
harmed as a result of this idea?
| | 01:34 | I want to warn you about the use of the
question why, even though it's great for getting to
| | 01:40 | the heart of any matter, like why did
this happen, or why do you need that?
| | 01:45 | Why relies heavily on the tone of your voice and
can easily be interpreted as judgment or accusation.
| | 01:52 | Listen, why did this happen?
Why do you need that?
| | 01:57 | If you are on delicate ground, you don't want to do
anything that will send you back into the quicksand.
| | 02:02 | Instead, see if you can
substitute why with what or how questions.
| | 02:09 | Using the example above, "Why do you need that?"
could be rephrased as, "How will this help you?"
| | 02:15 | To help you master this vital skill, take
a look in your exercise files for a list of
| | 02:21 | diagnostic questions and an exercise
for turning statements into questions.
| | 02:26 | And if you get stuck, try this little trick.
| | 02:30 | Put your lips in the shape of a W and let who,
what, when, where, and why naturally follow.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Step four: Reframing strategies| 00:01 | Conflict is simply the perception that your needs or
preferences can't be met at the same time as someone else.
| | 00:08 | It may be because of scarce resources, different
values, or the need to serve different parties or goals.
| | 00:15 | If you think back to your most recent disagreement, you
may have framed it as a contest between right and wrong.
| | 00:22 | So, instead of potentially spiraling into
name-calling, let's look at the five strategies
| | 00:28 | for framing a problem in
a more optimistic light.
| | 00:32 | Again, the objective is to focus on being
soft on the people but hard on the problem.
| | 00:39 | The first strategy is to move
from fighting to problem-solving.
| | 00:44 | If you're in a full-blown argument, use self-
management to pause, take a deep breath, and lower your voice.
| | 00:51 | Then ask your conflict partner to take a step
back from the fight and see the task at hand
| | 00:57 | as a problem-solving session.
| | 01:00 | The second reframing strategy is to
move from being right to being happy.
| | 01:05 | If your conflict partner is stuck on being
right, shift the focus to the interest you
| | 01:10 | are both trying to serve.
| | 01:11 | You might even make a list of what you're
both trying to accomplish and then see whether
| | 01:16 | any of those goals overlap.
| | 01:18 | Follow that with ideas or actions
that can help you reach those goals.
| | 01:23 | The third strategy is to shift
from uncooperative to cooperative.
| | 01:28 | Again, somebody in the dispute has to
pull back and focus on the bigger picture.
| | 01:33 | That means you, because you are the only
person whose behavior you can control.
| | 01:39 | If your partner is digging in their heels, ask
diagnostic questions to bring them back into cooperation.
| | 01:46 | You can say something like, "It looks like we
hit a wall, help me understand what happened."
| | 01:51 | If your conflict partner is willing to reengage,
then you'll discover something that will help
| | 01:57 | you reframe the issue and give you an opportunity to
brainstorm solutions, solutions that are good for both of you.
| | 02:05 | The fourth strategy is to shift
from potential gain to potential loss.
| | 02:10 | This sounds crazy, but framing the dispute as
a lose-lose proposition resolves more fights
| | 02:16 | than framing a proposed solution as win-win.
| | 02:20 | For example, the potential of losing $10,000 is a
bigger motivator than the potential of making $10,000.
| | 02:28 | We don't want to lose what we already have.
| | 02:31 | The final strategy is to
move from past to future.
| | 02:36 | We all get hung up on the past, but trying
to get agreement on what happened in the past
| | 02:40 | is nearly always impossible.
| | 02:42 | If you did or said something that was offensive,
apologize and make amends by agreeing to be
| | 02:48 | a better communicator in the
future, starting right now.
| | 02:52 | So, to defuse an active dispute that's come to focus more
on the people that on the problem, reframe the problem.
| | 03:01 | I've included a worksheet in the exercise
files for you to try your hand at reframing.
| | 03:07 | Developing the skill will encourage you
and your conflict partner to search for fresh
| | 03:11 | solutions to old problems, move from anger to understanding,
and shift from victimization to empowerment.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Step five: Brainstorming| 00:01 | Brainstorming is an inquiry with the purpose of
investigating ideas and making proposals that lead to solutions.
| | 00:09 | Brainstorming relies heavily on diagnostic
questions, so it's also a powerful tool for
| | 00:13 | getting at your mutual interest as well
as your common values and experiences.
| | 00:19 | To give your brainstorming process a little
structure, here are several things to keep in mind.
| | 00:24 | Explore your mutual needs
before you tackle solutions.
| | 00:28 | If you focus on the solution too early, you
won't get to the core of the need or problem.
| | 00:34 | A problem defined in terms of needs opens
up the possibility of a win-win solution.
| | 00:39 | "What do you need to be happy?"
is a good place to start,
| | 00:43 | or, "What are the roadblocks you
are running into on this project?"
| | 00:47 | Next, rule nothing out.
| | 00:50 | In the beginning of your brainstorming, focus
on quantity, not quality, and don't evaluate
| | 00:55 | any idea or debate its
practicality or even probability.
| | 01:00 | It puts the brakes on your creativity.
| | 01:01 | You will have plenty of time to
cherry-pick the winners later.
| | 01:07 | Expand on each other's ideas.
| | 01:09 | Your best resolutions often arise from
tacking a new idea to an existing one.
| | 01:15 | So allow yourself to be inspired and
resist competing. Let your ideas go.
| | 01:21 | We have a tendency to angle for our own brilliance,
even if our ideas are half-baked, let them go.
| | 01:27 | You don't want to get derailed by being
positional about a particular idea or solution.
| | 01:33 | Very often that's what got you
into the conflict in the first place.
| | 01:37 | Start with easy stuff.
| | 01:39 | When you are identifying the issues, you may end
up with a long laundry list of things to resolve.
| | 01:45 | When you start with the easy issues
first, you will be rewarded more quickly.
| | 01:49 | You'll build on the trust you established
early on and give one another good reason
| | 01:53 | to hope that the more
difficult issues can also be resolved.
| | 01:58 | If brainstorming is an area in which
you struggle, I'd like to offer an idea.
| | 02:02 | Register for an improvisation class.
| | 02:05 | In the early part of my career I
performed with an improv troupe for several years.
| | 02:10 | As I moved through different roles in my
work life, I started to notice how often I was
| | 02:15 | sought out for brainstorming on projects,
many times outside of my team and department.
| | 02:21 | And that's when it ended up
on my resume as a strength.
| | 02:24 | Honestly, I value it more
than my degrees and credentials.
| | 02:28 | What improvisation teaches you is to go with--
not against--what your partner presents.
| | 02:33 | To say yes and to follow that yes with more value,
more ideas, something that moves the story forward.
| | 02:41 | So brainstorming can help you in the early
stages of conflict resolution to flesh out
| | 02:46 | issues and needs, but the sweet spot where
brainstorming is most helpful is when you get stuck.
| | 02:52 | So, if you reach impasse or you feel it a
loss for the next right step, take a break.
| | 02:58 | And when you come back, pull out your
diagnostic questions and improvise from this question:
| | 03:04 | Where might we go from here?
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Step six: Getting to agreement| 00:01 | By this point in the Conflict Resolution
process, you will have accomplished a great deal.
| | 00:07 | You've identified the issues, created an
atmosphere of trust and possibility, asked diagnostic
| | 00:12 | questions to discover your own and your partner's interest,
and you've brainstormed all kinds of potential solutions.
| | 00:19 | You have one more step, and that's
getting to agreement, Resolution.
| | 00:25 | If you've done your brainstorming well, you
have several ideas or proposals to consider.
| | 00:31 | The best outcome from all your mutual effort
is for you and your conflict partner to walk
| | 00:35 | away feeling heard, accommodated, clear
about next steps, and maybe even happy.
| | 00:43 | To get that kind of resolution, you
want to focus on consensus, not compromise.
| | 00:48 | We often collapse the two words and treat them
as synonyms, but there is a critical distinction.
| | 00:55 | Consensus is considering proposals and
choosing solutions that will meet your highest number
| | 01:00 | of mutual needs and interests.
| | 01:03 | Compromise is usually associated with
giving up something, often grudgingly.
| | 01:07 | So, rather than win-win, you
get sort of win-sort of win.
| | 01:12 | This isn't to say there
won't be a give and a take.
| | 01:15 | As you wind your way through different proposals,
you'll undoubtedly be making concessions and
| | 01:20 | asking for things in return.
| | 01:23 | But your guiding intention has to be
consensus, or you run the risk of spiraling into the
| | 01:28 | same argument because your
true needs weren't really met.
| | 01:33 | So here's a simple
strategy to test for consensus.
| | 01:37 | Throughout the agreement process, ask a
couple of stock questions: Does this proposal meet
| | 01:42 | our mutual interests, or are we
both completely happy with this idea?
| | 01:49 | Because conflict resolution can be nerve-racking, it's
easy to walk out of the room and forget important details.
| | 01:56 | But the durability of your agreement
depends on specificity, so you want to be sure to
| | 02:02 | capture the details of
your agreement in writing.
| | 02:05 | Here is what you want to include.
| | 02:08 | What processes, actions, or
deliverables are you committing to?
| | 02:12 | What's the timeline for
completing those actions or deliverables?
| | 02:16 | If it's an ongoing process like a check-in
or a new meeting, when will it happen?
| | 02:22 | Determine how you will
communicate your progress?
| | 02:25 | In other words, establish a process for
closing a loop on all the elements of your agreement.
| | 02:31 | Finally, confirm your understanding by
reading back your agreement to your conflict partner
| | 02:38 | and follow up with an email with
the same information afterwards.
| | 02:43 | One final thing, before you walk away from
the table, don't forget to thank your partner
| | 02:48 | and acknowledge their persistence,
cooperation, and commitment.
| | 02:53 | Whether you've just solved a family squabble
or a disagreement with your business partner,
| | 02:58 | you've both done something
uncommon and remarkable.
| | 03:03 | It's not every day that people set aside
their egos and their fears to work out a problem.
| | 03:08 | So truly, your effort has not only made your
world a little better, it's also opened
| | 03:14 | the door for others to do the same.
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
3. Roadblocks to ResolutionsWorking with difficult people| 00:01 | The truth is we really have no idea
why people do what they do until we ask.
| | 00:07 | But what if, despite all your
efforts, you keep meeting resistance?
| | 00:11 | What if all the evidence shows
that it really is the other person?
| | 00:15 | There is a tale from India about a group of blind
men who touch an elephant to learn what it's like.
| | 00:21 | Each one touches a different part and they
compare notes and then they learn that they're
| | 00:25 | in complete disagreement
about the nature of the elephant.
| | 00:28 | Well, when you're not successful in solving
a problem with a difficult person, you could
| | 00:33 | be dealing with incomplete information.
| | 00:36 | So, let's investigate the hidden interest that
might lie beneath the surface with difficult people.
| | 00:44 | Let's say Jack thinks
Heather is a difficult person.
| | 00:47 | He believes she doesn't support his goals
and aspirations, never carries forward his
| | 00:51 | salary requests, and believes
she micromanages his every move.
| | 00:57 | What Jack doesn't know is that Heather may
have hidden constraints, hidden stakeholders,
| | 01:01 | or decision-makers, or hidden
interests or thwarted values.
| | 01:07 | Heather may be hindered by the constraints of
HR policies, or she may not have the authority
| | 01:12 | to meet Jack's request because the company stakeholders,
the executive team have put the clamp on spending.
| | 01:19 | So here's how you get under the hood.
First, clarify confusion.
| | 01:25 | As soon as you notice you're losing track
of the conversation, acknowledge that you
| | 01:29 | may be missing something or that you're
confused about the reasoning behind something.
| | 01:35 | You could be talking past one another,
and you need to pause and ask for clarity.
| | 01:41 | When you understand why someone is resistant
or irritable, it will usually point you
| | 01:46 | in the direction of a solution.
| | 01:49 | If your conflict partner is angry because
they're misinformed, your job will be to inform them.
| | 01:55 | If they're angry because they feel
disrespected, your job is to respect them.
| | 02:00 | If they're frustrated because they misunderstood
something you said, your job is to clarify
| | 02:05 | and correct the misunderstanding.
| | 02:08 | Next, summarize your conflicting
stories and harmonize your differences.
| | 02:14 | When we get locked in conflict, we
are usually bound tight to our story.
| | 02:18 | We point to circumstances and conversations
and past events and provide all kinds of evidence
| | 02:24 | to support our story, and your
conflict partner does the same.
| | 02:29 | If you can see clearly enough, you can summarize your
conflicting stories and make an effort to adopt a new story.
| | 02:36 | You can parse out where you're an agreement
and where you have shared values and goals.
| | 02:41 | You can then use those shared values as your
guiding principles in your resolution process.
| | 02:48 | Bottom line: don't let your assumptions and
interpretations of people and events run away with you.
| | 02:53 | Go to the source and seek clarity.
| | 02:57 | Dealing with difficult people is really about
understanding what else might be operating underneath.
| | 03:03 | Uncovering hidden motives, summarizing
conflicting stories, and harmonizing your differences
| | 03:09 | has a potential silver lining.
| | 03:11 | Your perception that your conflict partner
is a difficult person may transform completely.
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Jack and Heather resolution| 00:01 | In this course, we focused our conflict examples on the
relationship between Jack, a manager, and Heather, his boss.
| | 00:08 | It all started with Jack's failure to include Heather
in an email loop about a new project he was taking on.
| | 00:15 | And from there, we discovered lots of
trigger points where things derailed.
| | 00:20 | The conflict between Jack and Heather is mostly
relational, and there is a difference in authority
| | 00:26 | and power that makes it tricky.
| | 00:28 | So, how do they get from
intractability to cooperation?
| | 00:33 | With patience, a lot of active
listening, paraphrasing, and reframing.
| | 00:39 | In reality, it's very
easy to slip back into blame.
| | 00:44 | For example, once they begin uncovering the
issues, Jack might be tempted to repeat,
| | 00:49 | "I don't like how you hover over me."
| | 00:52 | But he will get much further if he
focuses on the future, not the past.
| | 00:56 | He might say instead, "I need your support on new
projects, and I need more autonomy, more freedom."
| | 01:03 | Heather, on the other hand, might feel that Jack's
request for more development conversations are excessive.
| | 01:10 | She might say, "I don't
have time to hold your hand."
| | 01:15 | But she can do much to preserve their relationship
if she uncovers what Jack really wants and needs.
| | 01:22 | In truth, they may discover that
they aren't a good fit for each other.
| | 01:26 | It's just as likely, however, that by
employing conflict resolution tools, they will each
| | 01:31 | take their part in the misunderstanding and
discover where they are in alignment and where
| | 01:36 | they can support each other, not just for mutual benefit,
but for the greater good of the entire organization.
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
ConclusionNext steps| 00:01 | You could say that if you didn't
have a past, nobody would bother you.
| | 00:05 | But we all have a past, and we all allow
ourselves to be drawn into conflict, telling ourselves
| | 00:10 | that the other person is difficult, rude,
abusive, manipulative, and they may be.
| | 00:17 | But remember our mantra.
| | 00:19 | What would happen to our relationships if we
adopted the perspective that it's never about
| | 00:24 | the other person, ever, even when it is?
| | 00:28 | Easier said than done for sure, but you
now have access to a set of practices to help
| | 00:34 | you move from assumption
to clarity to resolution.
| | 00:38 | And that makes you immensely valuable.
| | 00:41 | I've provided a lot of
resources in the exercise files.
| | 00:45 | Please print them out and keep them with you.
Make the six steps a part of your everyday life.
| | 00:50 | So, congratulations on completing your journey through
this course, and thank you so much for watching.
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
