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Up to this point, we've focused on the social psychology of conflict and communication. The purpose was to turn up your self-awareness and increase your capacity to understand yourself and others. Now we are going to focus on strategies and solutions. I'll start by introducing you to the six-step resolution roadmap. This is a set of practices for building your conflict resolution muscles in any situation. So here's the roadmap: identifying the issues, building trust, asking diagnostic questions, reframing strategies, brainstorming, and getting to agreement.
We'll go in deep on each practice. But first, here are two things to do right now to get you ready. We often don't like in others what we don't want to see in ourselves. So take a minute to open your resolution roadmap worksheet from your exercise files. Write down five of your own behaviors that you would like to change, especially when you see that behavior in others. These are your triggers. Go ahead, hit the Pause button, I'll wait.
Now I am going to walk you through the conflict capacity scale. This activity is also included in the exercise files. To start, think about a recent argument you had with a boss, a co-worker, or a family member. Somebody did something, and you got upset, maybe really upset. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest level of intensity, how triggered or upset were you? Now identify your capacity to deal with the feelings that come up around that trigger.
A one would mean that you have very little capacity to deal with the feelings, and a ten would mean you have a great deal of capacity to deal with the feelings that come up around the trigger. For example, let's say Heather keeps taking credit for Jack's work. Let's also say Jack's a nine on the Trigger scale and a three on the Capacity scale. This means Jack's extremely frustrated and doesn't understand how to deal with his frustration. The gap between how intensely he is triggered and his low capacity for dealing with those feelings suggest that Jack is not likely to make a run at resolving the conflict.
For Jack, this means he needs to lean into the conflict and not away from it. It's the only way he'll close the gap, reduce his stress, and improve his workplace relationships. The resolution roadmap is a discipline, a set of practices you can use to build your capacity to transform your relationships. And notice I said to you. We can't change other people, and it's pretty much pointless to try. What we do have access to and control over is ourselves, our responses.
We can do the changing. So I'm going to leave you with this thought as a mantra for the rest of the course: It's never about the other person ever, even when it is.
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