IntroductionWelcome| 00:00 | I'm Dr.Britt Andreatta, and I'm pleased to welcome
you to this course on having difficult conversations.
| | 00:09 | In this course, we're going to explore
how you can have difficult conversations.
| | 00:13 | There are generally three types of
difficult conversations: those that go badly, those
| | 00:18 | that go very well, and those that are avoided.
| | 00:21 | We're going to focus on having a successful
conversation that not only achieves the desired
| | 00:25 | outcome but enhances the relationship as well.
| | 00:29 | In this course I'll share with you specific tips
and strategies for having difficult conversations.
| | 00:34 | We'll cover the four phases of successful
conversations and specific components of the
| | 00:39 | conversation itself.
| | 00:41 | We'll also look at when you have to
initiate a difficult conversation, as well as when
| | 00:45 | you're on the other side.
| | 00:48 | This course will help you prepare
step-by-step to have your conversation.
| | 00:52 | Let's get started.
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| Effective communication| 00:00 |
Female: Before we get into difficult
conversations, I want to give you some
| | 00:03 |
simple but powerful strategies for
improving your communication in general.
| | 00:07 |
I recommend using these every day, during
your regular interactions.
| | 00:11 |
If you use them consistently, they should
cut down the situations that could build
| | 00:15 |
up to difficult conversations.
First, use as many levels of
| | 00:18 |
communication as you can.
Humans pick up a lot of meaning from the
| | 00:22 |
non verbal cues that we see and hear when
we interact.
| | 00:26 |
This is why you should be careful using
email and text to convey important information.
| | 00:30 |
That loss of non verbal information can
have the other person hear a whole
| | 00:33 |
different meaning than what you intended.
The important thing here is that they all
| | 00:38 |
line up.
For example, if you're praising your
| | 00:40 |
team's efforts, don't be shaking your
head.
| | 00:42 |
Or if you want to connect with some one
on a personal level, don't meet in a
| | 00:45 |
noisy place.
Second, clearly share your intent for the communication.
| | 00:50 |
If you state your goal, you'll increase
the chances the receiver will hear it as
| | 00:54 |
you mean it.
You might say something like, the reason
| | 00:57 |
I am calling you is to apologize for how
the meeting went.
| | 01:00 |
Or, the purpose for this email is to
confirm that you're coordinating the
| | 01:04 |
trade show.
Third, avoid over generalizing things.
| | 01:09 |
It's fairly common that when we care
about something we state it more strongly.
| | 01:13 |
But using phrases like you always or you
never, are going to create defensiveness
| | 01:17 |
in the other person.
Also avoid exaggerating, which is a form
| | 01:21 |
of generalizing.
This is when ten minutes late becomes 20,
| | 01:25 |
or two missed meetings becomes three.
Overstating things give the other person
| | 01:29 |
a place to counter you with examples, and
then you're in an argument and not
| | 01:32 |
focused on the goal you want to achieve.
Fourth, speak for yourself.
| | 01:38 |
Use something called I statements.
I statements are when you speak in the
| | 01:42 |
first person, to talk about your
experiences and your feelings.
| | 01:46 |
The goal is to convey the impact the
other person's behavior has on you.
| | 01:49 |
For example, instead of saying, it annoys
everyone when you're late to meetings.
| | 01:53 |
Say something like, when you're late to
meetings I feel frustrated because I have
| | 01:57 |
to rework the agenda on the fly.
This will also help prevent you from
| | 02:03 |
speaking on behalf of others, which can
make someone feel ganged up on.
| | 02:07 |
Now, let's switch to the receiver's
perspective.
| | 02:09 |
There's also some good strategies to use
when you're the receiver in the communication.
| | 02:14 |
First, be an active listener.
Focus on what the other person is saying
| | 02:17 |
and show that you're listening.
Use non-verbal signals, such as nodding
| | 02:21 |
your head to show agreement, or leaning
forward to show interest.
| | 02:25 |
Most importantly, avoid the temptation to
start building your counter argument in
| | 02:28 |
your head.
The goal of active listening is to be
| | 02:31 |
sure you're really hearing what the other
person is trying to convey.
| | 02:35 |
Second, ask questions.
When you're the receiver, you're goal is
| | 02:38 |
to make sure you're haring the message
accurately.
| | 02:41 |
If something's not clear, ask a question
that will provide clarity.
| | 02:45 |
Third, confirm what you understand.
One of my favorite techniques is called
| | 02:50 |
paraphrasing, and you share back to the
person what you think they said.
| | 02:54 |
This does not mean that you agree.
You're just making sure that you got the
| | 02:57 |
message correctly.
For example, you might say, so, what I'm
| | 03:00 |
hearing you say is my lateness causes
extra work for you and that's frustrating.
| | 03:06 |
Finally, show your perspective.
Once the other person feels heard, you
| | 03:10 |
can now share what you think and feel.
Hopefully, the other person who is now
| | 03:14 |
the receiver uses the same techniques of
active listening and so on.
| | 03:18 |
Be as clear as possible.
Identify where you are in agreement and
| | 03:21 |
where you disagree.
If the situation is complex, take each
| | 03:25 |
piece separately.
In the dialogue, you'll go back and forth
| | 03:30 |
using the strategies for senders and
receivers.
| | 03:33 |
During the conversation, you'll both
increase your clarity and understanding.
| | 03:37 |
Over time, as you have more and more
successful communications, you'll also
| | 03:41 |
build trust.
Using these strategies for everyday
| | 03:44 |
communication will greatly enhance your
effectiveness as well as your relationships.
| | 03:49 |
But difficult conversations are still
going to happen, and these strategies are
| | 03:53 |
not sufficient to get you through
difficult conversation.
| | 03:58 |
Difficult conversations are unique,
because the stakes are higher and our
| | 04:00 |
emotions are stronger.
So, let's turn our attention to how to
| | 04:04 |
successfully have difficult
conversations.
| | 04:07 |
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| Getting the most from this course| 00:00 |
Female: It's likely you're watching this
course because you have a difficult
| | 00:03 |
conversation you need to hold.
That's great.
| | 00:06 |
I've designed it to walk you through the
process step by step so that you'll be prepared.
| | 00:10 |
I have some recommendations for getting
the most out of this course.
| | 00:14 |
First, wait to schedule your conversation
until you've completed all the chapters.
| | 00:18 |
Second, use the handouts in the exercise
files.
| | 00:22 |
Throughout this course I've created
extensive worksheets for you to use, as
| | 00:25 |
you prepare for your difficult
conversations.
| | 00:27 |
These documents have been provided in the
exercise files for all lynda.com subscribers.
| | 00:32 |
I've also provided a course outline for
premium subscribers.
| | 00:36 |
I recommend that you download these
worksheets, that way you can access them
| | 00:39 |
easily when I reference them during the
course.
| | 00:43 |
Third, take time to practice.
Most trainings on this topic are eight to
| | 00:47 |
16 hours long, and that's because they
build the time to do the exercises into
| | 00:51 |
the sessions.
You'll be doing them on your own, but I
| | 00:54 |
can't stress enough how important they
are.
| | 00:57 |
Having difficult conversations is a high
level skill, and it'll take some practice
| | 01:00 |
to feel confident.
Just like running a marathon or learning
| | 01:04 |
any new skill, you'll get better with
practice.
| | 01:07 |
This will help you get comfortable with
the strategies before you use them under pressure.
| | 01:12 |
Fourth, some difficult conversations have
legal ramifications.
| | 01:16 |
If you're difficult conversation has the
potential to involve legal action, please
| | 01:19 |
consult with an attorney who knows the
laws of your state and country.
| | 01:24 |
Finally if you can, partner with a friend
or colleague.
| | 01:28 |
Watch this course together, and do the
exercises, sharing your findings with
| | 01:32 |
each other.
You'll not only gain new understanding by
| | 01:34 |
hearing about their experience, but
you'll be able to coach and support each
| | 01:37 |
other as well.
And even better, when you have your
| | 01:40 |
difficult conversation and it goes well,
you'll have someone to celebrate with.
| | 01:44 |
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|
|
1. Understanding Difficult ConversationsWhat is a difficult conversation?| 00:00 |
Female: What conversations do you find
difficult.
| | 00:03 |
This answer might be different for each
of us, but we've all experienced
| | 00:06 |
difficult conversations.
And what is a difficult conversation?
| | 00:10 |
Well, if it's challenging for at least
one of the people involved, then its difficult.
| | 00:15 |
Some difficult conversations are planned,
and we know their coming.
| | 00:19 |
And many are spontaneous and catch us by
surprise.
| | 00:22 |
Sometimes you might be the initiator of a
difficult conversations, either
| | 00:25 |
delivering bad news or confronting
someone about a problem.
| | 00:29 |
And most of us have been on the receiving
end too.
| | 00:31 |
Someone's come to us with challenging
information that we've had to hear.
| | 00:34 |
Obviously, difficult conversations occur
in all areas of our life.
| | 00:39 |
They certainly are at the heart of our
professional lives.
| | 00:42 |
Some example include, delivering a poor
performance review, giving feedback to
| | 00:46 |
your boss about their behavior, talking
to a colleague who makes offensive
| | 00:50 |
comments, or letting an employee go.
They happen on our personal lives too.
| | 00:56 |
Some personal examples could be, breaking
up with a romantic partner, confronting a
| | 01:00 |
neighbor about noise issues, or asking a
family member to stop criticizing you.
| | 01:06 |
In the exercise files, you'll find a hand
out for describing your difficult situations.
| | 01:10 |
I recommend identifying one in your
professional setting, and one in your
| | 01:13 |
personal life.
That way you can see how this process
| | 01:16 |
applies to various real world situations
you'll face throughout your life.
| | 01:21 |
This course will be most effective if
actively use each video to help to
| | 01:24 |
prepare for the difficult conversations
you need to hold.
| | 01:28 |
That way the exercise files can help you
build step by step all the information
| | 01:32 |
you need to have a successful
conversation.
| | 01:35 |
In addition, you can further ground the
strategies for each step as you practice them.
| | 01:39 |
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| The Matrix of Difficulty| 00:00 |
Female: When we talk about a conversation
being difficult, we're really referring
| | 00:03 |
to emotions.
People find conversations challenging or
| | 00:07 |
difficult for a variety of reasons.
For the initiator, conversations are
| | 00:11 |
generally difficult for two reasons.
One, you're concerned about their
| | 00:15 |
reaction to your message.
And two, you're attached to the outcome
| | 00:19 |
of the conversation.
I'll get to the receiving end later in
| | 00:23 |
this course.
For now let's focus on when you're the initiator.
| | 00:27 |
First let's look at your concerns about
their reaction.
| | 00:30 |
This has to do with the other person's
response during the actual conversation itself.
| | 00:36 |
Here is some typical concerns and there's
overlaps between them.
| | 00:40 |
We'll be seen as mean or aggressive.
The other person will be hurt and cry.
| | 00:45 |
They might argue or get defensive.
They might blame us for the problem.
| | 00:51 |
They might yell or get physically
aggressive, or they might get back at us later.
| | 00:57 |
And this is exasorbated by the
relationship you have with the person.
| | 01:00 |
When the other person has more power like
a boss or parent you're probably more
| | 01:04 |
concerned about their reaction.
Or if your emotionally close to the
| | 01:08 |
person you're probably more concerned
then if there a new acquaintance.
| | 01:12 |
Now let's look at your attachment to the
response the other person has following
| | 01:16 |
the conversation.
This is actually the outcome you're
| | 01:19 |
hoping to achieve by having the
conversation.
| | 01:21 |
It's the thing you want them to change.
Your attachment is actually a measure of
| | 01:25 |
your personal investment in the outcome
or how much it directly affects you.
| | 01:30 |
Often things that rate as low attachment
are issues where we have bad news to
| | 01:33 |
deliver like a poor performance review, a
medical diagnosis or the ending of a relationship.
| | 01:40 |
The outcome is already pre-determined but
we may be concerned about the actual
| | 01:43 |
delivery will go or their reaction.
Contrast that with things that rate as
| | 01:48 |
high attachment.
Usually the outcome is really in the
| | 01:51 |
hands of the other person, but it matters
a great deal to us.
| | 01:55 |
Such as getting a key person in our life
like a boss or family member, to change behavior.
| | 01:59 |
High attachment reflects how badly we
want or need the person to change.
| | 02:04 |
If they don't hear us, or won't change,
we'll be impacted in a negative way.
| | 02:10 |
For example, if you're talking to your
boss about her tendency to micromanage,
| | 02:13 |
you're probably very attached to the
outcome.
| | 02:16 |
because it will determine how you feel
about your job and even your future with
| | 02:19 |
the company.
Or if you're talking to your spouse about
| | 02:22 |
money, you're highly attached because it
affects your standard of living.
| | 02:26 |
There is another way to gauge your
attachment, which is how upset the other
| | 02:30 |
person makes you feel?
With low attachment, your feelings about
| | 02:33 |
the other person are not upsetting.
You may feel neutral, ambivalent or even
| | 02:38 |
like the person, but they don't tweak
you.
| | 02:40 |
Think of it this way, if your feelings
were a thermometer, the temperature would
| | 02:44 |
be low to normal.
Contrast that with high attachment where
| | 02:48 |
you definitely have strong feelings, like
anger, sadness or frustration.
| | 02:52 |
And your emotional thermometer would be
running hot.
| | 02:56 |
These two factors, can be mapped against
each other to create a matrix of difficulty.
| | 03:02 |
I've color coded the matrix to indicate
intensity or strength of difficulty.
| | 03:07 |
Green is low concerned and low
attachment.
| | 03:11 |
Orange is high for either or both and
yellow is somewhere in between.
| | 03:16 |
It helps to map your difficult situations
on this matrix because it will help you
| | 03:20 |
get clear about the source of your
difficulty.
| | 03:23 |
Let's take a few examples.
Let's say I have to deliver a poor
| | 03:27 |
performance review to my employee.
My attachment is probably low, because
| | 03:31 |
the outcome doesn't really affect my
life.
| | 03:34 |
But I do care about her.
And I'm worried that she's going to be
| | 03:36 |
hurt or possibly even cry.
I would place it here, on the matrix.
| | 03:41 |
Or let's say that I need to talk to my
neighbor about his dog who barks all day.
| | 03:45 |
I work from home so I am highly attached
to the outcome, but Dan is one of the
| | 03:48 |
nicest guys I know so I'm not worried
about his reaction.
| | 03:52 |
I place it here on the matrix.
And finally let's say I need to talk to
| | 03:57 |
my boss about a problem that's arisen.
He's the kind that shoots the messenger
| | 04:00 |
so I know I'm going to get yelled at even
though it's not my fault.
| | 04:04 |
I'd place it here on the matrix.
Issues are specific to the parties
| | 04:08 |
involved and are shaped by their history
together and the quality of their relationship.
| | 04:12 |
This happens to be where I would place
mine.
| | 04:14 |
Where would you place yours?
Using the exercise files, think about
| | 04:19 |
your difficult situations and place them
on the matrix.
| | 04:22 |
Hopefully this will help you sort out the
source of the difficulty for each of your conversations.
| | 04:27 |
You'll definitely want to use this course
to prepare for anything that rates highly
| | 04:30 |
on either or both areas, or the orange
sections.
| | 04:33 |
You may also find this course helpful for
anything in the medium or yellow zone.
| | 04:38 |
For the green zone, which has low
ratings, review the video on effective
| | 04:41 |
communication for some good strategies
for navigating these lower risk conversations.
| | 04:47 |
Speaking of risk, it's human nature to
avoid it.
| | 04:51 |
Difficult conversations can often feel
risky for all the reasons you just identified.
| | 04:55 |
If you found yourself procrastinating a
difficult conversation or talking
| | 04:58 |
yourself out of your right to say
something, you're not alone.
| | 05:02 |
But don't worry, in this course I'll
coach you through all the steps to
| | 05:05 |
prepare for and have your difficult
conversation.
| | 05:08 |
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| When difficult conversations go badly| 00:00 |
Female: Let's see what a difficult
conversation looks like when it doesn't
| | 00:03 |
go well.
We're going to watch Scott talk to his
| | 00:05 |
boss, Joe.
Scott's concerned about Joe's treatment
| | 00:09 |
of the staff.
Over the past few months, Joe's been
| | 00:11 |
really critical of the team's ideas,
sometimes even demeaning or insulting them.
| | 00:16 |
Scott's experienced this and also watched
Joe do it to others.
| | 00:20 |
Scott believes this is hurting the
group's morale, not to mention his own
| | 00:23 |
enjoyment of his job.
Scott has both a high amount of concern
| | 00:27 |
for Joe's reaction and a high level of
attachment to the outcome.
| | 00:31 |
Scott: Thanks for agreeing to meet with
me, Joe.
| | 00:34 |
Joe: Yeah.
But I'm not sure why this couldn't wait
| | 00:35 |
until our regular meeting, but go ahead.
Scott: Well, I wanted to talk to you
| | 00:39 |
about the dynamic I'm noticing in our
interactions.
| | 00:41 |
It seems like you're getting more
critical with my suggestions, and I've
| | 00:44 |
gotta tell you, it's starting to make me
feel like you don't value my contributions.
| | 00:48 |
Joe: That's not true.
Most of your ideas were used on our last product.
| | 00:51 |
Or have you forgotten that?
Listen, Scott, it all comes down to the
| | 00:54 |
same thing.
I want you to stop undermining me in
| | 00:56 |
front of others.
That's the real problem here.
| | 00:59 |
Scott: I'm sorry you feel that way, but
it's not just me.
| | 01:02 |
I've noticed that you're, demean
everyone's work, and it's starting to
| | 01:04 |
affect the morale.
Joe: Look here, that's ridiculous and you
| | 01:07 |
know it.
I'm always watching out for you guys,
| | 01:10 |
looking after you.
How do you think you go that raise.
| | 01:13 |
It's not my fault you have mediocre
ideas.
| | 01:16 |
My job is make sure only best ideas move
forward.
| | 01:19 |
Scott: Yeah, but you don't have to insult
people.
| | 01:21 |
Maybe if I had more time to prepare I
could come up with better ideas.
| | 01:24 |
I mean, you find fault in everything, and
no one's going to want to work on your
| | 01:27 |
team anymore.
Joe: The real problem here is that you
| | 01:30 |
need to adjust your attitude.
The rest of our team is producing good
| | 01:34 |
work, and everybody else seems happy
here.
| | 01:37 |
I'm the boss.
This is how I lead.
| | 01:39 |
Take it or leave it.
I gotta get to another meeting.
| | 01:43 |
We're done here.
Female: Oof, that did not go well.
| | 01:47 |
Although it's clear that Scott
communicated his complaint, neither
| | 01:50 |
person is better off now than when they
started.
| | 01:53 |
In fact, it's probably worse.
We've just watched the visible part of a
| | 01:57 |
difficult conversation, the conversation
itself.
| | 02:00 |
But did this come out of nowhere?
Now, there's a history of interactions
| | 02:04 |
that led up to Scott initiating this
talk.
| | 02:07 |
In the next video, we'll look at how
Scott and Joe got here.
| | 02:10 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| The pathway to problems| 00:00 |
Female: When difficult conversations go
badly, they follow a pattern of four phases.
| | 00:05 |
These are 1 the Build Up, 2 Case
Building, 3 the Confrontation, and 4 the Aftermath.
| | 00:13 |
We just witnessed the confrontation
between Scott and Joe.
| | 00:16 |
But it went badly, largely due to what
happened in the Build Up and Case
| | 00:19 |
Building phases.
Let's see how Scott and Joe got to where
| | 00:23 |
they are now.
As we go through these phases, think
| | 00:25 |
about your own difficult situations and
see if you can identify any of these elements.
| | 00:31 |
Stage one is the Build Up, the buildup is
the phase when a series of things happen
| | 00:34 |
that start to make you feel upset.
In this case, Scott experienced Joe
| | 00:39 |
talking down to him on a number of
occasions.
| | 00:42 |
Joe's generally a good boss, so at first,
Scott chalked it up to a bad day or a misunderstanding.
| | 00:48 |
But it kept happening to the point where
Scott saw it as an issue.
| | 00:52 |
Stage two is case building.
This is where you've not yet decided to
| | 00:55 |
say something, but you've definitely
decided there is a problem.
| | 01:00 |
In this stage you start keeping an
invisible list of all the things the
| | 01:02 |
other person does wrong.
Scott finds himself noticing every time
| | 01:06 |
Joe talks down to him and he even sees it
happening to others.
| | 01:10 |
You know, you're in this stage when you
start making snarky comments in your head.
| | 01:14 |
For Scott, it was, there he goes again,
tearing people down.
| | 01:17 |
Or Mr.
insult is in the building.
| | 01:21 |
Scott was wise enough to know that it
could be just his issue.
| | 01:24 |
So, he checked with others on the team.
And he found out they felt the same way.
| | 01:28 |
When others agree, it often validates out
concerns.
| | 01:31 |
And gives the case building phase even
more momentum.
| | 01:35 |
For Scott, his case building expanded to
include any time Joe exhibited the
| | 01:38 |
behavior with anyone, not just with
himself.
| | 01:42 |
In fact, he didn't have to witness it.
If he heard others talk about it, he
| | 01:45 |
added it to the invisible bag of evidence
he was collecting.
| | 01:48 |
People can hang out in the case building
stage for a while, but something usually
| | 01:52 |
pushes them to the tipping point, which
is when they want to take action.
| | 01:58 |
It's usually a function of frequency, the
person does the offending behavior a
| | 02:02 |
certain number of times.
Or intensity, the offending behavior hits
| | 02:06 |
a new level that's unacceptable.
Either way its the proverbial straw that
| | 02:10 |
breaks the camel's back and the person is
ready for stage three.
| | 02:13 |
The confrontation.
The confrontation is when you finally
| | 02:16 |
talk to the person about the concern.
But it's often in the form of accusation
| | 02:21 |
and blaming.
Luckily Scott's emotionally intelligent,
| | 02:25 |
so he didn't just go off on Joe at the
meeting.
| | 02:28 |
In fact, Scott wanted to approach this
carefully so he did some reading about
| | 02:31 |
how to handle conflict.
He learned some great strategies like
| | 02:35 |
setting a private meeting time and using
I statement to express his concerns.
| | 02:40 |
He mapped out his talking points, and he
even got himself calm so he could have a
| | 02:42 |
good conversation.
But despite these strategies, we saw how
| | 02:46 |
badly it went.
Even though Scott started off well, he
| | 02:50 |
was still standing on the mountain of
evidence he'd accrued.
| | 02:54 |
And Joe could sense that, and did what
most people do when they feel that
| | 02:56 |
they're under attack.
He got defensive.
| | 02:59 |
In this case, he attacked back.
Thus triggering defensiveness in Scott
| | 03:03 |
and we're off to the races.
This scenario is quite tame in comparison
| | 03:08 |
to some I've witnessed, but damage was
done, nonetheless.
| | 03:12 |
And that leads us to the last stage, the
aftermath.
| | 03:15 |
In this stage, the relationship is often
harmed by things done and said in the confrontation.
| | 03:20 |
There's usually more animosity and trust
is damaged.
| | 03:23 |
And for both men, they got to confirm
their fears.
| | 03:26 |
Scott really thinks Joe is demeaning and
doesn't want to change and Joe thinks
| | 03:29 |
Scott's ungrateful and undermining his
leadership.
| | 03:33 |
But, it doesn't have to go this way, with
just a few different strategies, Scott
| | 03:36 |
can handle difficult conversations much
better and so can you.
| | 03:40 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Four phases of successful conversations| 00:00 |
Female: Do difficult conversations have
to end badly.
| | 00:02 |
No.
In fact, they can be some of the most
| | 00:04 |
successful conversations you've ever had.
I've seen relationships completely change
| | 00:10 |
for the better as a result of them.
From here on now, I'm going to refer to
| | 00:13 |
successful conversations.
The topic that you're discussing may be
| | 00:17 |
difficult, but the outcome can be very
positive.
| | 00:21 |
When successful conversations happen, the
initiator takes a different path.
| | 00:25 |
In doing so, they set a whole new
trajectory for the problem and the
| | 00:28 |
parties involved.
Let's break down what the difference is.
| | 00:33 |
Successful conversations also have a
pattern and four phases.
| | 00:36 |
In this case, they're as follows.
Number one, the Buildup.
| | 00:40 |
Two, Reflection.
Three, the conversation.
| | 00:46 |
And four, the Follow Through.
The first stage is still the build up,
| | 00:48 |
and it's actually the same as before.
A series of things happen that make you
| | 00:52 |
notice a pattern.
Scott sees Joe's behavior as demeaning to
| | 00:55 |
him and others.
And you may even engage in some case building.
| | 00:59 |
It's human nature to verify our views by
collecting information.
| | 01:03 |
And so, that's going to happen.
Some of it is necessary for sorting out
| | 01:06 |
which issues really matter to us.
But when you notice that an issue's
| | 01:10 |
building, you want to take charge of the
process and intentionally enter stage
| | 01:13 |
two, the reflection.
This stage is the cornerstone of the
| | 01:17 |
whole process, so, we're going to explore
it thoroughly in later videos.
| | 01:22 |
But for now, we can summarize it by
saying that you'll spend time reflecting
| | 01:25 |
on why the other person's behavior
bothers you.
| | 01:29 |
More importantly, you'll focus on getting
clear about what you really want.
| | 01:32 |
You'll try to look at things from their
perspective and you'll use that
| | 01:36 |
information to prepare for the
conversation.
| | 01:40 |
Next, is stage three, the conversation.
And it's really designed to be just that,
| | 01:44 |
a dialogue between those involved to
share their perceptions, identify shared
| | 01:48 |
goals, and co-create a solution that
works for everyone.
| | 01:52 |
And that takes us to stage four, the
follow through.
| | 01:55 |
The process now unfolds with you and the
other person working together, over the
| | 01:59 |
next few weeks to implement the changes
you've identified.
| | 02:03 |
You hold each other accountable and
address any issues that arise.
| | 02:06 |
When this process goes well, it builds
mutual understanding respect and trust,
| | 02:10 |
which will carry you through any
unforeseen challenges in your plan.
| | 02:15 |
Now, I know some of you are doubting that
things can go that smoothly.
| | 02:19 |
But I'm telling you, I've seen this
process work time and time again.
| | 02:22 |
Even in some pretty dicey conflicts where
there were a lot of hard feelings already
| | 02:25 |
built up.
We're now going to cover each stage in
| | 02:28 |
depth, and teach you specific skills and
strategies to use so, you can have
| | 02:32 |
successful conversations.
| | 02:34 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
2. The Buildup PhaseChanging your tipping point| 00:00 |
Female: As I shared earlier, the Build Up
is the phase when a series of things
| | 00:03 |
happen that start to bother you.
For Scott, it's that Joe has been talking
| | 00:07 |
to Scott in a way that he perceives as
demeaning or insulting.
| | 00:11 |
This is happened a few times now.
Some typical examples from home might
| | 00:14 |
include the spouse who leaves their socks
on the floor.
| | 00:17 |
Or the mother-in-law who gives you
parenting advice.
| | 00:20 |
There are a couple of important things
I'd like you to know about the Build Up phase.
| | 00:24 |
The first is to not let it go on too
long.
| | 00:27 |
The reason is because the more you hang
out in this phase the more you're likely
| | 00:30 |
to start case building, which will create
more work for you later on.
| | 00:35 |
To shorten the buildup phase, change your
tipping point, which is the moment when
| | 00:38 |
you're moved to action.
We usually hit the tipping point due to
| | 00:42 |
frequency or intensity.
Something happens a certain number of
| | 00:46 |
times or it hits a level of
unacceptability.
| | 00:49 |
Maybe it was the twentieth day you found
the socks on the floor or the day your
| | 00:52 |
mother-in-law undermines your authority.
One way to shorten the build-up phase is
| | 00:58 |
to lower this mark of measurement.
Let's see what that looks like.
| | 01:02 |
In terms of frequency, lower your current
threshold to a much smaller number.
| | 01:06 |
I like to use the number three.
When something happens a third time, I'm
| | 01:09 |
clear that it's become a pattern, and yet
it's not so many times that I'm deep into
| | 01:13 |
the case building phase.
I know I'm not overreacting, but I'm not
| | 01:17 |
too upset yet either.
For Scott, talking to Joe after the third
| | 01:21 |
incident would have really helped them
both.
| | 01:24 |
In terms of intensity, you also want to
set a lower bar than you may have in the past.
| | 01:29 |
For example, you might think about your
emotional thermometer on a scale from one
| | 01:32 |
to ten.
If you normally act when you hit a number
| | 01:35 |
eight, you might want to lower that to a
four.
| | 01:37 |
Obviously, this is all personal and
rather subjective, but it helps to have a
| | 01:41 |
way of thinking about your tipping point
and then intentionally lower the marker.
| | 01:47 |
One of my personal tricks that I picked
up ten paint chips from a local home
| | 01:50 |
improvement store.
These range from a nice kelly green to a
| | 01:53 |
deep red, and running through light green
to yellow to orange.
| | 01:58 |
This gives me a great visual for knowing
when something's bothering me.
| | 02:01 |
I address problems when they move into
the yellow zone.
| | 02:04 |
This can work for either frequency or
intensity.
| | 02:07 |
Just be clear with yourself, which one it
is.
| | 02:09 |
Of course, some behaviors are very
problematic.
| | 02:12 |
And a one time violation should move you
immediately into action.
| | 02:16 |
Like any type of harassment or violence.
If you feel unsafe in any way or are
| | 02:20 |
concerned about the safety of others,
then get help right away.
| | 02:23 |
The second thing I want you to know about
the build up phase is that you need to
| | 02:27 |
keep this focused on your experience.
It's okay to check in with others to see
| | 02:32 |
if they are having the same issue or
perception, but you don't want to take on
| | 02:35 |
their stories.
Misery loves company.
| | 02:38 |
But commiserating with others launches
you firmly into the case-building phase.
| | 02:42 |
And you can quickly take on more feelings
and examples than are just yours.
| | 02:47 |
Also, be careful who you process your
thoughts or feelings with.
| | 02:51 |
You want to make sure that they don't
start case-building for you.
| | 02:54 |
Scott's been talking with his best friend
who keeps telling him not to put up with
| | 02:57 |
a bad boss.
He's been telling Scott he can get a
| | 03:00 |
better job and even sending him job
announcements.
| | 03:03 |
Family, friends, and long-time colleagues
will have good intentions, of course,
| | 03:06 |
because they care about you.
But it doesn't really help you in the
| | 03:10 |
long run to have them jump on the Joe's a
jerk bandwagon.
| | 03:12 |
The best kind of support is when the
other person can just listen and maybe
| | 03:16 |
ask some good clarifying questions.
Their goal should be in helping you get
| | 03:21 |
clear about how you feel, and what you
want.
| | 03:24 |
Not convincing you of anything.
Think about the people in your support
| | 03:27 |
network, like family, friends, colleagues
and mentors.
| | 03:31 |
You want to reach out to those people who
will help you move toward a conversation
| | 03:34 |
rather than a confrontation.
| | 03:36 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| What's underneath the situation| 00:00 |
Female: At the core of the build up phase
is the series of things that happens
| | 00:03 |
between people.
For Scott the situation with Joe has been
| | 00:06 |
building for weeks over several different
interactions at work.
| | 00:10 |
This is included team meetings one on one
discussions and even emails.
| | 00:15 |
But it's not always just the words that
are being said.
| | 00:18 |
Researchers have discovered that there
are four levels to our communication.
| | 00:22 |
One level is a verbal communication,
which occurs in the form of words either
| | 00:26 |
spoken or written.
This includes modern media like email,
| | 00:30 |
text messages, and kinds we've yet to
develop.
| | 00:33 |
If words are involved, it's verbal.
Then there is the paraverbal level, which
| | 00:38 |
is how the words are used.
For example, shouting, or all capital
| | 00:42 |
letters, conveys an intensity that adds
more meaning to the words themselves.
| | 00:46 |
Other aspects include tone of voice,
silences, and even interrupting others.
| | 00:51 |
The third level is nonverbal
communication such as body language and
| | 00:56 |
eye contact.
This kind can only be detected by seeing
| | 01:00 |
the person.
But this rich source of information is
| | 01:03 |
lost when we communicate in writing.
I'm sure we can all think of a time when
| | 01:07 |
an email or text message got us in
trouble because someone took it
| | 01:09 |
differently than we intended.
This is one of the challenges of our
| | 01:14 |
modern media landscape, especially when
people work remotely.
| | 01:18 |
Finally, we have the extraverbal level,
which is meaning conveyed beyond the words.
| | 01:23 |
This may have to do with time or place of
the communication, the power level of the
| | 01:27 |
sender, and other aspects that also
convey meaning.
| | 01:32 |
Whether he knows it or not, Scott is
using information from all of these
| | 01:35 |
levels to make sense of his interactions
with Joe, which are contributing to the conflict.
| | 01:40 |
One of the early pioneers of this work
was Harvard business professor Chris Argyris.
| | 01:45 |
He recognized that when humans are
talking, they have a whole series of
| | 01:47 |
things that they're thinking, but not
saying.
| | 01:51 |
Now this may seem obvious.
After all, cartoonists have been filling
| | 01:54 |
those thought bubbles for years with all
sorts of snarky comments.
| | 01:58 |
But Argis found that important elements
of the conflict live in those unsaid thoughts.
| | 02:03 |
One part of understanding how an issue is
building for you is to take a look at them.
| | 02:08 |
Try this exercise.
Take a sheet of paper and draw a line
| | 02:11 |
down the middle.
Now think about your difficult situation.
| | 02:16 |
On the right side of the paper, write
down what you each said and did during
| | 02:19 |
just one interaction.
Now on the left side, write down what you
| | 02:23 |
were thinking.
But did not say.
| | 02:25 |
Here's an example with Scott doing this
exercise about a recent interaction he
| | 02:30 |
had with Joe at a staff meeting.
Scott: Oh great.
| | 02:38 |
Looks like he's in another one of his
moods.
| | 02:40 |
Joe: Let's get started.
Who has an update for me?
| | 02:42 |
Brook: I'm finishing up the specs.
I can have them for you after lunch.
| | 02:45 |
Joe: I was hoping they'd be ready by now.
Scott: Whoa man you only gave them to her
| | 02:49 |
this morning.
Look at how intimated she is.
| | 02:53 |
Brook: Okay I'll see what I can do.
Scott: Hey I've been thinking that there
| | 02:56 |
is a way to improve the design.
I hope he listens this time I've worked
| | 03:00 |
really hard on this.
Joe: Unless you can show an increase in
| | 03:04 |
pressure by at least 5%.
Don't bother.
| | 03:07 |
Scott: Why does he always have to dismiss
me.
| | 03:10 |
He needs to listen to me.
But there are other ways to improve this
| | 03:13 |
product, if you'll just listen, I can
explain.
| | 03:16 |
Joe: Look, I don't have time to hold your
hand on this.
| | 03:20 |
Unless you can show a big change in
pressure, don't waste my time.
| | 03:23 |
Scott: So he thinks I'm a kid?
I hate it when he demeans me like that.
| | 03:27 |
Whatever you say.
This guy is a loser.
| | 03:31 |
Female: Interesting, huh?
As you can see, we learn a whole lot more
| | 03:36 |
about this conflict by looking at the
left column.
| | 03:38 |
This is the window into the meaning that
Scott has been making over the series of
| | 03:41 |
interactions he's had with Joe.
If Scott did this activity for every
| | 03:46 |
interaction he had with Joe, we would
actually have a map of his build-up process.
| | 03:51 |
Before you move on to the next video, I
highly recommend that you do this activity.
| | 03:55 |
If you want, map out two to three of your
most recent interactions.
| | 03:59 |
It will give you some good information
about how the situation is building up
| | 04:02 |
for you.
Right now, we're just capturing the information.
| | 04:06 |
We'll do more with it later in the
reflection phase.
| | 04:09 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Making meaning| 00:00 |
Female: As we just discussed, we can read
a lot into a situation.
| | 00:04 |
Our unsaid thoughts are a running tally
of the meaning we're making.
| | 00:08 |
Lots of researchers have explored how
humans make meaning.
| | 00:11 |
Did you know that we are biologically
wired to scan for information, sorting
| | 00:14 |
for danger and filling in the blanks as
we go?
| | 00:17 |
Our brain's goal is survival.
If it can take what's happening and come
| | 00:21 |
up with some understanding and even
rules, we can navigate a similar
| | 00:24 |
situation in the future.
We do this all day long, every single day
| | 00:28 |
and most of it's invisible to us.
Over our lives, we build up a useful
| | 00:33 |
database of information and experience in
our mind.
| | 00:36 |
For example, we've learned that stoves
can be hot and that it's impolite to
| | 00:40 |
refuse a handshake.
Or you may have learned that your
| | 00:43 |
supervisor's sensitive to critique so now
you make sure you word things carefully.
| | 00:48 |
How we make meaning is at the heart of
every difficult conversation.
| | 00:52 |
So let's take a look at what happens.
Over time, we take some facts, make some
| | 00:56 |
assumptions, and form beliefs about
others.
| | 00:59 |
This is called the Ladder of Inference.
And its the model Chris Argyris created
| | 01:03 |
from his research.
We'll follow Scott through his process.
| | 01:07 |
And for simplicity, we'll focus on how he
experienced that one meeting.
| | 01:11 |
But in reality, the ladder is usually
built and solidified across several
| | 01:14 |
interactions over time.
At the bottom of the ladder are the facts.
| | 01:20 |
This is all of the available data in the
situation, what was actually said and
| | 01:24 |
done by each party including the non para
and extra verbal levels of communication.
| | 01:29 |
It'd be the information you could capture
on video.
| | 01:32 |
In Scott's situation the facts would be
everything that was said and done.
| | 01:36 |
Plus thousands of others details, like
how the chairs were oriented to each
| | 01:40 |
other, and what people wore.
Use the handout in the exercise files to
| | 01:44 |
explore your ladder.
List as objectively as you can the facts
| | 01:48 |
that occurred.
Pretend you're a video camera and only
| | 01:51 |
write down what is observable data.
The next level of the ladder is what we
| | 01:56 |
focus on, or the selected data.
Our conscious brain cannot track every
| | 02:01 |
piece of information.
So it selectively filters out huge portions.
| | 02:05 |
Consider these questions.
What stood out to you?
| | 02:08 |
And what did you focus on?
Scott: I noticed Brook looking down at
| | 02:13 |
her notebook.
I heard Joe say, I don't have time to
| | 02:16 |
hold your hand.
Don't waste my time.
| | 02:20 |
Female: The third rung of the ladder is
the assumption we make based on the data
| | 02:23 |
we've chosen to focus on.
This is where we add meaning to the fact.
| | 02:28 |
Ask yourself, how did I interpret what I
saw and heard.
| | 02:32 |
What intention did I attribute to their
actions?
| | 02:35 |
Our assumptions are often the things that
we think but don't say.
| | 02:38 |
What would be in our cartoon thought
bubble during the interaction?
| | 02:42 |
So take a moment to jot down those things
you thought but didn't say.
| | 02:45 |
Scott: I had several thoughts most of
which were sarcastic.
| | 02:50 |
Joe must be in a bad mood.
He seems annoyed with Brook.
| | 02:55 |
Brook sure looks uncomfortable.
Joe thinks I'm a kid who wastes his time.
| | 03:00 |
Female: The fourth level is conclusions
which is where we add a story to explain
| | 03:04 |
the situation.
We add an extra level of meaning which is
| | 03:07 |
what we've decided about this incident.
Scott: I concluded that Brooke must be
| | 03:11 |
feeling the same way I am about Joe.
Joe is demeaning me and others like Brooke.
| | 03:17 |
And Joe must not respect me if he can
treat me so rudely.
| | 03:21 |
Female: Both assumption and conclusion
are heavily influenced by our own history.
| | 03:27 |
This certainly includes our own
experiences in the world but it also
| | 03:30 |
includes several aspects of our cultural
identity, things like the language we speak.
| | 03:36 |
Our nationality, gender, race and even
age shape how we interpret the behavior
| | 03:41 |
of others.
Culture can influence how we relate to
| | 03:44 |
the concept of time, how we manage our
personal space, how we praise others and
| | 03:48 |
how we approach conflict.
I've seen many difficult situations that
| | 03:54 |
are really a function of intercultural
misunderstandings.
| | 03:57 |
Take extra time in the reflection phase
to also consider the role that your
| | 04:00 |
culture is playing in shaping your
ladder.
| | 04:02 |
And when you reflect on the other person,
consider how their culture is influencing
| | 04:06 |
their experience and perspective.
Before we continue with the rest of the
| | 04:11 |
ladder, use the exercise files to jot
down some notes about the facts,
| | 04:14 |
assumptions and conclusions you're making
in your difficult situations.
| | 04:20 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Building your ladder| 00:00 |
Female: Emotions play an important part
in our difficult conversations.
| | 00:04 |
So it's vital to also reflect on your
feelings.
| | 00:06 |
In fact in my consulting work, I've seen
emotions be so central, that I've added
| | 00:09 |
this as a 5th rung to the ladder of
inference.
| | 00:13 |
So let's take a look at the role your
emotions play.
| | 00:16 |
Now if you're like most people, this
exercise has reactivated some of your
| | 00:19 |
feelings about this person and the
problem.
| | 00:21 |
Take a moment to notice how it shows up
in your body.
| | 00:25 |
Have you clenched your jaw has your heart
rate increased?
| | 00:28 |
What about your stomach, has it
tightened?
| | 00:31 |
Also take a moment to list any emotions
or feelings you either had during the
| | 00:34 |
situation itself or even now while
reflecting on it.
| | 00:39 |
Rate the strength of each emotion on a
scale of 1 to 10 your emotional
| | 00:42 |
thermometer here's what Scott noticed.
Scott: I get a knot in my stomach and I'm
| | 00:49 |
shaky in my chest.
I was annoyed with Joe's bad mood and how
| | 00:52 |
he treated Brooke.
When he told me he couldn't old my hand I
| | 00:56 |
was livid.
I really hate it when people criticise me.
| | 01:01 |
Female: The sixth rung on the ladder is
beliefs, which get created over time.
| | 01:05 |
Our beliefs are the more enduring
conclusions we've made about the person
| | 01:09 |
that expand beyond this one incident.
Other past interactions usually come into
| | 01:14 |
the mix, adding to our evidence.
This is when we start to see things as
| | 01:18 |
the truth, when really it's just our
version of the truth.
| | 01:22 |
What do you now believe about this
person?
| | 01:24 |
Another way to figure out your beliefs is
to play fill in the blank.
| | 01:28 |
Complete these sentences with the first
thing that pops in your head.
| | 01:31 |
What I know about this person is?
Scott: That Joe demeans everyone on the team.
| | 01:36 |
Female: It's obvious to me that.
Scott: The other team members are
| | 01:40 |
bothered by it too.
Female: And here we go again with the.
| | 01:45 |
Scott: Demeaning behavior.
Female: And finally the top of the ladder
| | 01:49 |
is actions which are the things you say
and do.
| | 01:53 |
Consider about the actions you took
during the incident and toward that
| | 01:57 |
person overall.
First, stay focused on this one situation.
| | 02:01 |
Jot down what you said and did during the
interaction and be honest.
| | 02:05 |
We all know when we're being dismissive
or sarcastic.
| | 02:09 |
Scott: I sat with my arms crossed.
I probably sighed or made a face when Joe spoke.
| | 02:15 |
I said, whatever you say, sarcastically.
Female: Now, focus beyond a particular
| | 02:20 |
incident to also explore the bigger
picture.
| | 02:23 |
As a result of your assumptions and
conclusions, what other actions have you
| | 02:27 |
taken in relation to this person or the
bigger problem?
| | 02:30 |
Scott: I've asked other team members if
they feel like Joe is demeaning.
| | 02:34 |
And they said yes.
During meetings, I'll roll my eyes.
| | 02:39 |
I've been short with Joe when I talked to
him.
| | 02:42 |
I've stopped going by his office to ask
him about his weekends or his kids.
| | 02:46 |
Female: Wow.
Doesn't this ladder seem like it's eight
| | 02:49 |
stories tall now?
And that's just Scott's ladder.
| | 02:52 |
Joe has his own ladder, as does Brooke.
You can see how we build a story, and
| | 02:57 |
then it starts to take on a life of its
own.
| | 02:59 |
Here's the other tricky thing about the
ladder of inference.
| | 03:03 |
It has two loops built into it.
The first one goes from our beliefs back
| | 03:07 |
to selected data.
Meaning that our beliefs affect which
| | 03:11 |
data we choose to focus on.
It's called the Confirmation Bias, or
| | 03:15 |
Selective Perception.
We start to look for the data that
| | 03:18 |
supports our beliefs, and we ignore the
data that contradicts them.
| | 03:23 |
The second loop happens between actions
and facts.
| | 03:26 |
The actions you take can affect future
interactions, thereby changing what happens.
| | 03:30 |
For example, perhaps Joe starts to feel
frustrated by Scott's sarcasm.
| | 03:35 |
Maybe he comes to the next meeting
determined to exert his authority.
| | 03:39 |
Well, we can imagine how that will go
over.
| | 03:41 |
Scott will have even more evidence that
Joe is intimidating.
| | 03:45 |
As you can see, this ladder is an active
part of the build up and case building phases.
| | 03:50 |
And it can provide a lot of juicy
evidence for the inevitable confrontation.
| | 03:55 |
But our goal is to stop that process,
because it doesn't really work.
| | 03:58 |
It usually just makes things worse.
To create a successful conversation, you
| | 04:02 |
need to work with your ladder, and
actually come back down it.
| | 04:06 |
This is one of the things we'll do in the
reflection phase of the model.
| | 04:08 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
3. The Reflection PhaseClarifying your goal| 00:00 |
Female: At the heart of every difficult
conversation is some kind of problem
| | 00:03 |
we're trying to solve.
Something isn't going as it should, and
| | 00:06 |
we want to make it better.
The first part of the reflection phase is
| | 00:10 |
to focus on what you want to achieve.
This step is really important and will
| | 00:14 |
guide the rest of the phases, so take
time to do this step properly.
| | 00:18 |
Now, the answer might seem obvious.
For Scott, he might just want Joe to stop
| | 00:22 |
demeaning people.
And that's certainly part of it but it's
| | 00:25 |
not at the heart of it.
You see, when we're in a difficult
| | 00:29 |
situation, our perceptions get bound up
by the rungs of our ladder.
| | 00:32 |
They literally box us in.
To discover what we really want we have
| | 00:36 |
to step off the ladder just for a moment
and give ourselves permission to dream bigger.
| | 00:41 |
To get at the heart of what you really
want, I recommend this simple process.
| | 00:46 |
Again, we'll use Scott as our example.
Our goal is to get at the heart of what
| | 00:49 |
he really wants.
Ask yourself the question: what do I want?
| | 00:54 |
Scott: For Joe to stop demeaning me and
others at work.
| | 00:58 |
Female: Then ask yourself, if I had that,
what would it get me?
| | 01:02 |
Try to phrase it in the positive, what
you want, as opposed to what you don't want.
| | 01:09 |
For example, Scott might initially say.
Scott: Well, I wouldn't feel so stressed
| | 01:13 |
about all the time, and I would feel so
angry at Joe.
| | 01:17 |
Female: And he would rephrase that to.
Scott: Well, I would feel more relaxed
| | 01:21 |
and I'd actually enjoy my work again.
Female: Then ask it again, if I had that
| | 01:25 |
what would it get me?
Scott: I could get really excited about
| | 01:29 |
our projects and enjoy working with the
team.
| | 01:32 |
Female: Then ask it again and keep going
until you feel done.
| | 01:37 |
You'll get to a layer where you'll say
yes, that's it that's it, that's what I
| | 01:39 |
really want.
Then write it down as a statement
| | 01:43 |
starting with the words I want.
For Scott he wrote.
| | 01:47 |
Scott: I want to work on interesting
projects with a fun and engaging group of
| | 01:51 |
people, and contribute to a successful
company.
| | 01:54 |
Female: Can you feel the difference?
This is Scott's real goal and it's much
| | 01:58 |
more motivating than Joe needs to stop
demeaning people.
| | 02:02 |
Another way to do this activity is to
imagine that you have a magic wand.
| | 02:06 |
When I coach clients, I ask the question.
If you could wave your magic wand, and
| | 02:09 |
create that perfect blank.
In this case, work environment.
| | 02:13 |
What would it look like?
Then follow up with a few rounds of what
| | 02:17 |
else, until you feel done.
For some people, fantasizing about
| | 02:21 |
perfection is easier than stepping back
from a difficult situation.
| | 02:25 |
So, pick the method that feels right for
you.
| | 02:28 |
By the way, all of these techniques are
actually skills I learned in my coaching training.
| | 02:32 |
While they certainly apply to difficult
conversations, you can use them anytime
| | 02:35 |
you need to help yourself or others gain
clarity about something.
| | 02:40 |
Using the exercise files, do this process
for yourself, so that you're clear about
| | 02:44 |
what you really want.
| | 02:46 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Assessing what you already have| 00:00 |
Female: The next part of the reflection
phase is to take stock of your goal.
| | 00:04 |
This will help you put your difficult
conversation into its appropriate context.
| | 00:09 |
Scott has gotten clear about what he
wants, which is I want to work on
| | 00:11 |
interesting projects with a fun and
engaging group of people, and contribute
| | 00:15 |
to a successful company.
Next, you should now assess where you
| | 00:20 |
already stand on this goal by breaking it
into its components.
| | 00:23 |
So, for Scott, he has four parts to his
goal.
| | 00:26 |
One, interesting projects.
Two, fun and engaging people.
| | 00:31 |
Three, make a contribution.
And four, to a successful company.
| | 00:35 |
Once you've broken your goal into its
components, next assess where you stand
| | 00:39 |
on each of them.
When Scott does his assessment he
| | 00:43 |
realizes he's in pretty good shape.
He really does enjoy the projects he
| | 00:46 |
works on, he also feels that many of his
teammates are fun and engaging people,
| | 00:49 |
their all just being perfected by Joe.
Scott thinks that he makes a valuable
| | 00:55 |
contribution to the company and that the
company is thriving and successful.
| | 01:00 |
So, Scott has three out of four and
talking to Joe is clearly necessary to
| | 01:02 |
help him achieve his goal.
After you've done your assessment, think
| | 01:06 |
about how it affects your feelings about
the difficult situation.
| | 01:11 |
Scott actually feels allot better, he's
clear that having a conversation with Joe
| | 01:15 |
is really important, but he also feels
like he has allot more going for him than
| | 01:18 |
he realized.
As you can imagine, assessing your goal
| | 01:22 |
can really shift your perspective.
When Scott goes to work, he can now look
| | 01:27 |
for and appreciate many aspects of his
work environment.
| | 01:30 |
Which means he's not just focusing all
his attention on Joe's faults.
| | 01:34 |
Your assessment will also give you some
valuable information that will become
| | 01:37 |
part of your conversation.
But let me also chat with you about what
| | 01:41 |
happens if your assessment is not
positive.
| | 01:44 |
I once worked with another client about a
personal situation.
| | 01:48 |
She wanted to have a difficult
conversation with her boyfriend of eight
| | 01:51 |
years about him paying his share of the
bills.
| | 01:54 |
She already had several discussions, but
she was getting really frustrated.
| | 01:59 |
Her bigger goal was to be with a caring
and loving man who was smart and hard-working.
| | 02:04 |
She wanted them to share equally in the
building of their life together and to
| | 02:06 |
get married and have children.
When she assessed her goal, she
| | 02:11 |
discovered that she did not have several
key elements.
| | 02:14 |
Mainly, he was not hard-working.
He had trouble getting and keeping jobs.
| | 02:18 |
As a result, she carried the majority of
their financial burden.
| | 02:22 |
And while he said he wanted to get
married and have children, he'd not yet
| | 02:24 |
proposed in their eight years together.
While it was difficult, she realized that
| | 02:29 |
even if he started paying his bills,
there were too many key pieces that would
| | 02:32 |
not go fulfilled.
So, she decided to end the relationship.
| | 02:36 |
While this seems sad, she was better off
in the long run.
| | 02:40 |
Instead of staying in this relationship
and having one difficult conversation
| | 02:43 |
after another, she was able to find a
person who better matched her needs.
| | 02:47 |
This is why it's important that you
assess your goal.
| | 02:49 |
You will provide a lot of clarity about
whether or not you should have a
| | 02:52 |
difficult conversation and what the topic
should really be.
| | 02:57 |
So, assess where you are on your goal.
It's important that you take a deep and
| | 03:00 |
honest look at where things currently
stand so you can put your difficult
| | 03:03 |
situation into its context.
| | 03:05 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Climbing down your ladder| 00:00 |
Female: Now that you're clear about your
goal, we want to revisit your ladder.
| | 00:03 |
This is the next step of the reflection
phase.
| | 00:06 |
You might want to get out the handout you
completed before on what your ladder
| | 00:09 |
looks like.
The primary strategy we use for this step
| | 00:13 |
is to question.
You want to question the assumptions and
| | 00:16 |
conclusions you've made, and you want to
question the data you've been using.
| | 00:21 |
This requires you to be willing to be
wrong.
| | 00:23 |
I've certainly been wrong, and so, have
many of the clients I've coached through
| | 00:26 |
their difficult conversations.
In fact, it's likely that you are wrong
| | 00:30 |
at least on some level.
So, you want to embrace this step with a
| | 00:34 |
true spirit of curiosity.
Remember, you're doing this privately,
| | 00:38 |
so, you have nothing to lose.
First, review the facts.
| | 00:42 |
Pretend you're a video camera or even
another observer in the room, you want to
| | 00:46 |
look for other facts that you missed
before.
| | 00:49 |
Ask yourself, what might others have seen
and heard?
| | 00:54 |
If they were looking at me, what would
they have noticed?
| | 00:56 |
Scott is going to unpack the overall
situation with Joe, and not just one meeting.
| | 01:01 |
Choose which process is most helpful to
you for you difficult situation.
| | 01:06 |
Scott: They would've seen me withdrawing
from Joe and acting disrespectfully to him.
| | 01:12 |
They might have noticed times when Joe
was polite and kind to me and others.
| | 01:16 |
Female: Next, seek other data.
During this step, push yourself to not
| | 01:21 |
only look for other data but contrary
data.
| | 01:25 |
What are some aspects of the situation
that you overlooked or avoided before.
| | 01:29 |
What things about the situation might
indicate the opposite of what you assumed
| | 01:33 |
or concluded in the past.
It's okay if you have to make something
| | 01:37 |
up here, the goal is to open your mind to
the opposite of what you believed.
| | 01:42 |
Scott: Joe does compliment me sometimes,
like during divisional meetings.
| | 01:48 |
He often surprises the team with lunch.
Despite the budget cuts, he fought to get
| | 01:53 |
me a raise.
Female: Next, question your assumptions.
| | 01:57 |
This is the wrong where our personal
beliefs and experiences added meaning to
| | 02:01 |
what we we have observed.
But we're also influenced by the beliefs
| | 02:05 |
and experiences of our family, our
cultural heritage and society at large.
| | 02:09 |
Ask yourself, what am I assuming and why?
Are my assumptions based on my own
| | 02:15 |
personal experiences or what others have
told me?
| | 02:17 |
List at least 3 other plausible
assumptions you could make.
| | 02:23 |
Scott: My best friend has been pushing me
to not put up with a bad boss.
| | 02:28 |
I've been taking on other peoples
complaints, but when I think about it,
| | 02:31 |
their not as bothered as I am.
They described Joe as grumpy but not
| | 02:35 |
demeaning to them.
Female: Now, you want to challenge your conclusions.
| | 02:41 |
As we question our assumption, it create
space for us to challenge our previous conclusions.
| | 02:46 |
Ask yourself these questions, why did I
draw this conclusion?
| | 02:50 |
Is it based on sound evidence and logic?
And based on the three alternative
| | 02:54 |
assumptions you just made, what are three
alternative conclusions?
| | 02:59 |
Scott: It doesn't make sense that Joe has
suddenly become a mean person.
| | 03:04 |
Perhaps Joe has some pressure at work
that I don't know about.
| | 03:08 |
Or maybe Joe is going through something
in his personal life.
| | 03:12 |
Female: The next step is to revise your
beliefs.
| | 03:15 |
As the ladder further unravels, we can
now consider revising our beliefs.
| | 03:19 |
I know that as I have done this process
in the past, I feel more and more open as
| | 03:22 |
I've pushed on the confining boundaries
of my ladder.
| | 03:26 |
Ask yourself these questions.
Based on my revised assumptions and
| | 03:30 |
conclusions, which beliefs no longer make
sense?
| | 03:33 |
What beliefs about this person or
situation am I now willing to let go of?
| | 03:37 |
Scott: It doesn't make sense that Joe
disrespects me.
| | 03:42 |
While his behavior is different,
something else must be causing it.
| | 03:46 |
Joe's behavior is not harming the team.
Female: And finally, take different actions.
| | 03:52 |
Based on this exercise, how could you
have changed your actions during this one incident?
| | 03:57 |
How might or should your actions change
in relation to this person in general?
| | 04:01 |
Scott: Whatever is going on, I should not
be so short and sarcastic with him.
| | 04:08 |
Perhaps he needs help, but doesn't know
how to ask for it.
| | 04:12 |
Instead of imagining things, I should
connect with Joe about these issues.
| | 04:16 |
Female: As you can see, Scott gained a
lot of useful information from this activity.
| | 04:22 |
Many of these insights will feature in
the conversation he ultimately has with Joe.
| | 04:27 |
Use the handout in the exercise files to
go through this process for your
| | 04:30 |
difficult situations.
| | 04:32 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Hijacks and hooks| 00:00 |
Female: Another important part of the
reflection process is to look at the
| | 00:03 |
emotions that the situation brings up.
Review the feelings that are part of your ladder.
| | 00:08 |
Did you rate any of them at a medium or
high level on your thermometer?
| | 00:13 |
My guess is that you did, otherwise the
situation would not be all that
| | 00:15 |
concerning to you.
Scott was annoyed at a level five,
| | 00:19 |
frustrated at a level six and livid at a
level nine.
| | 00:23 |
And were any of your feelings accompanied
by the fight or flight response.
| | 00:28 |
Your body has a complex alarm system
that's always on alert for potential attack.
| | 00:33 |
When our brains senses danger, a walnut
size piece of it called the amygdala,
| | 00:36 |
fires off a signal, flooding our body
with hormonal chemicals.
| | 00:41 |
This prepares the body to literally fight
the danger or outrun it.
| | 00:45 |
This happened to Scott when the though
Joe was calling him a kid.
| | 00:49 |
He felt a spike of anger along with a
pounding heart and clenched stomach.
| | 00:53 |
When were in this state, we actually lose
access to the higher functioning part of
| | 00:56 |
our brain.
Really, the logical part of the brain
| | 01:00 |
shuts down as all of our biological
resources are funneled towards survival.
| | 01:05 |
This whole thing is called Amygdala
Hijack.
| | 01:08 |
This is when we tend to do and say things
we normally wouldn't in a calm state.
| | 01:12 |
I'm sure we can all think of some
examples.
| | 01:14 |
Interestingly, we all tend to have a
pattern when our amygdala hijacks us.
| | 01:19 |
We either go to fight or flight.
As I describe the difference, see which
| | 01:23 |
one best describes your pattern.
The fight response is when we turn toward
| | 01:28 |
the threat and we use aggression to
protect ourselves.
| | 01:32 |
Now, aggression doesn't mean that we
start hitting people, although that is
| | 01:35 |
one option.
It's typically more verbal.
| | 01:38 |
Like using criticism to attack someone's
personality or character.
| | 01:42 |
Or a form of contempt, where you use
sarcasm or shaming to attack a person's
| | 01:45 |
sense of self with the intent to insult.
This can also include nonverbal behaviors
| | 01:51 |
like eye rolling or sneering.
The flight response is different.
| | 01:56 |
We're attempting to turn away from the
danger and use invisibility to hide.
| | 02:01 |
One type of flight behavior is
withdrawing, where we might stop
| | 02:04 |
participating in the interaction, or
change the subject, or give someone the
| | 02:07 |
cold shoulder, or use the silent
treatment.
| | 02:11 |
This is also known as stonewalling, and
it convey's disapproval or disconnection.
| | 02:17 |
Another type of flight behavior is
defensiveness.
| | 02:19 |
Where we attempt to deflect the perceived
attack with excuses, disagreeing, or
| | 02:23 |
responding with counter arguments that
blame the other person.
| | 02:28 |
This is true in both our professional and
personal lives.
| | 02:32 |
Dr John Gottman has done amazing research
and has found that when couples fight,
| | 02:35 |
their relationship is doomed to fail if
they use what he calls the four horseman
| | 02:38 |
of the Apocalypse.
These are criticism and contempt, both
| | 02:43 |
forms of fight, and stonewalling and
defensiveness, both tactics of flight.
| | 02:49 |
I would argue that all relationships
suffer when these choices are used.
| | 02:53 |
What's your tendency?
Do you tend to get more aggressive?
| | 02:56 |
Or do you withdraw?
Let's look at Scott and Joe.
| | 03:00 |
Scott is exhibiting classic fight
behaviors.
| | 03:03 |
He's using sarcasm as his main form of
aggression along with challenging Joe verbally.
| | 03:08 |
Scott has done some withdrawing when he
has pulled back from visiting Joe's
| | 03:11 |
office, but under stress, Scott goes to
aggression.
| | 03:16 |
It also appears that Joe does too.
He gets louder, stands up and uses
| | 03:19 |
dismissive language.
Needless to say, when the two of them get
| | 03:23 |
together, sparks start to fly.
Using the handout in the exercise files,
| | 03:28 |
reflect on your difficult situations.
Identify when your amygdala hijacked you,
| | 03:33 |
what happened?
See if you can identify your pattern.
| | 03:37 |
Do you tend to fight and go to a form of
aggression?
| | 03:39 |
Or do you take flight and withdraw in
some way?
| | 03:41 |
What about the other person?
What's their pattern when they've been hijacked?
| | 03:47 |
Knowing about the amygdala hijack and how
to assess someone's pattern, will help
| | 03:50 |
you prepare for having a successful
conversation.
| | 03:53 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Knowing your triggers| 00:00 |
Female: As we just discussed, our fight
or flight response is designed to protect
| | 00:03 |
us from danger.
And if we're being robbed or in a car
| | 00:06 |
accident, this response could literally
save your life.
| | 00:10 |
The problem is that our amygdala goes off
when we're not in real danger.
| | 00:13 |
This happened to Scott.
A pretty tame staff meeting had his heart
| | 00:16 |
racing like he was facing a saber-tooth
tiger.
| | 00:19 |
This is because Scott was triggered.
Triggers are the non-life-threatening
| | 00:24 |
situations that set off your fight or
flight response.
| | 00:27 |
There's a dial on this, too.
You might have a reaction that builds
| | 00:30 |
slowly or floods you quickly.
There're four important things I want you
| | 00:33 |
to know about triggers.
First, it will serve you well to know
| | 00:37 |
what triggers you.
Knowing your triggers will allow you to
| | 00:40 |
navigate any kind of difficult situation
more successfully.
| | 00:45 |
Take a moment to think over the past
year, both professionally and personally.
| | 00:49 |
Identify the situations that triggered
you.
| | 00:53 |
Scott has three major triggers, when he
feels demeaned.
| | 00:56 |
When he thinks someone is picking on or
bullying others.
| | 00:59 |
And when he feels trapped like on an air
plane.
| | 01:03 |
Second, have a plan for managing your
triggers.
| | 01:06 |
As we know, the fight or flight response
is completely outside of our control.
| | 01:10 |
That's why you want to have two to three
key things you can do to calm yourself down.
| | 01:14 |
For example, you might want to focus on
your breathing for a few minutes.
| | 01:19 |
For me, it helps to grab a piece of paper
and jot things down like "you just got
| | 01:22 |
triggered breathe girl, you're actually
safe".
| | 01:25 |
I can do this in a meeting and folks
think I'm taking notes.
| | 01:29 |
I also have a photo of my daughter on my
phone and looking at her helps too.
| | 01:32 |
Take a moment to jot down the actions you
can take when you feel yourself getting triggered.
| | 01:38 |
Third, triggers are actually the land
mines of our old wounds.
| | 01:42 |
Let me explain this a little more.
Recent research in the fields of biology
| | 01:46 |
and psychology have shed light on this
process.
| | 01:49 |
Our bodies are continually scanning for
danger and the first thing it uses is
| | 01:52 |
past experiences that were harmful.
When something is similar to a
| | 01:56 |
threatening situation in your past, the
alarm bells fire off.
| | 02:00 |
Literally saying, danger, danger, this
was bad before, so watch out.
| | 02:04 |
Interestingly, it doesn't have to have
been a physical threat.
| | 02:07 |
It can also be emotional.
Researchers now know that our need for
| | 02:11 |
survival includes three emotional areas
that are core aspects of our identity.
| | 02:17 |
These are, am I competent, am I a good
person, and am I worthy of love?
| | 02:21 |
Well, it's just the human experience that
sometime in your past these aspects were
| | 02:25 |
threatened in some way.
For example I once had a client who'd
| | 02:30 |
become triggered if anyone questioned her
integrity.
| | 02:33 |
This dated back to a painful experience
in college and I worked with another
| | 02:36 |
client who would get triggered if he felt
that he was being left out of the loop.
| | 02:40 |
Both of those have to do with competency
and feeling like your a good person.
| | 02:44 |
Triggers are our bodies' way of
protecting itself.
| | 02:47 |
The problem is that it's not very
nuanced.
| | 02:50 |
If your boss has mannerisms that are
similar to the kid who bullied you as a
| | 02:53 |
child, you could be triggered by your
boss.
| | 02:56 |
If you don't know it's a trigger, you
could literally feel that your boss is a
| | 02:59 |
jerk because he seems threatening to you.
And this is what is happening to Scott.
| | 03:05 |
Joe's demeaning behavior hits one of
Scott's triggers.
| | 03:08 |
Scott's older brother was exceptionally
cruel to Scott when they were growing up
| | 03:11 |
and he tormented him on a regular basis.
When we're triggered, the feelings seem
| | 03:16 |
like they're caused by the person
standing in front of us.
| | 03:19 |
But you don't want to let someone take
the rap for someone else's crime.
| | 03:23 |
Knowing your triggers will help you know
when someone might be setting them off.
| | 03:27 |
In this case, Scott now realizes that he
may be over reading mal-intent into Joe's actions.
| | 03:33 |
Think back on your life.
What are some things that happened in
| | 03:36 |
your past that could be at the source of
your triggers.
| | 03:38 |
Think about family, friends, school and
work situations.
| | 03:45 |
There's 1 more thing I want you to know
about triggers.
| | 03:47 |
Everybody has them.
Even if you were raised in the most
| | 03:50 |
functional and wonderful home you still
have triggers.
| | 03:53 |
The goal is to know your triggers and
manage them.
| | 03:57 |
The good news is there's ways to greatly
reduce, or even eliminate, your triggers.
| | 04:01 |
I've had great success with this myself,
and have also witnessed it in many of my clients.
| | 04:06 |
Use the handout in the exercise files to
reflect more on your triggers, and how
| | 04:09 |
you can manage them.
| | 04:10 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Judgments and mirrors| 00:00 |
Female: Another key part of the
reflection phase is our judgements.
| | 00:04 |
Judgements are the same as the
conclusions and belief rungs of our ladder.
| | 00:07 |
They're the negative decisions we've made
about others.
| | 00:09 |
You know you have a judgement when you
feel judgmental.
| | 00:13 |
You have a sense of righteousness about
something and may feel that you would
| | 00:16 |
certainly handle it better than they do.
It is also common to think that they
| | 00:20 |
should or shouldn't do something.
Take a moment to make a list of your judgements.
| | 00:25 |
Here's some questions to ask yourself.
What do you feel righteous about?
| | 00:30 |
What is something you think they should
or should not be doing?
| | 00:33 |
For Scott, he realized that he was
judging Joe for disrespecting him, and
| | 00:36 |
demeaning the team.
Now here's the difficult part about judgements.
| | 00:41 |
You ready.
Our judgements are always a mirror to
| | 00:44 |
something we can't see about ourselves,
always.
| | 00:47 |
Let me tell you more about mirrors.
Mirrors come in two forms, a regular
| | 00:51 |
mirror and a reverse mirror.
A regular mirror is when the person is
| | 00:55 |
doing something that you yourself also
do.
| | 00:58 |
Here is an example from my life.
I can be judgemental about people who are pushy.
| | 01:04 |
It drives me crazy when people get really
intense about getting something done.
| | 01:07 |
But guess what?
I do this too.
| | 01:10 |
It's not easy to admit about myself, but
it's true.
| | 01:13 |
I tend to get pushy when I'm really
passionate about something or when I've
| | 01:16 |
already invested a lot of time.
I just can't let it go all that easily.
| | 01:20 |
Now, that's all well and good, we all
have flaws, right?
| | 01:24 |
But the problem is that I judge other
people for the same behavior.
| | 01:28 |
This might work to my advantage if they
don't know me very well.
| | 01:30 |
I could sit on my high horse being very
righteous.
| | 01:33 |
But if they know me, what does my
judgement do?
| | 01:36 |
My righteousness is shot down by the
arrow of hypocrisy.
| | 01:40 |
How could someone possibly take my
complaint seriously when I clearly do the
| | 01:43 |
same thing?
But here's the problem with a regular mirror.
| | 01:47 |
They are often invisible to us.
Those around can see them, often quite
| | 01:51 |
clearly, but we can't see our own.
I'm sure you can think of quite a few
| | 01:54 |
people who can't see their mirrors.
And I hate to tell you this, but it's
| | 01:59 |
likely that you can't see some of yours
either.
| | 02:01 |
Think about some of your own judgements
and take a closer look.
| | 02:05 |
Ask yourself, how is this person a mirror
to me?
| | 02:09 |
Are they doing something that I also do,
even to a small degree?
| | 02:13 |
How would another person view my behavior
in comparison to the behavior of the
| | 02:16 |
person that I'm judging?
Scott: Well, because Joe has been
| | 02:20 |
disrespectful to me, I've been
disrespectful back.
| | 02:24 |
Wow, what am I?
I sound like a third grader saying, he
| | 02:30 |
started it.
Yes, he's a mirror for me on that.
| | 02:37 |
But I don't demean or insult others, I
haven't done that to Joe.
| | 02:43 |
Oh, except under my breath, huh.
My sarcastic comments have been totally
| | 02:49 |
demeaning to Joe.
Female: And then there are reverse mirrors.
| | 02:54 |
This is when the other person does
something we would never allow ourselves
| | 02:57 |
to do.
I worked with one client who had a big
| | 03:00 |
reverse mirror with this co-worker.
His co-worker was very comfortable
| | 03:04 |
asserting her views, and asking for what
she needed.
| | 03:07 |
He was raised to make due with what you
have.
| | 03:09 |
Her behavior started to bug him more and
more until he would go nearly crazy at meetings.
| | 03:15 |
But here's the deal.
His judgement indicated a reverse mirror.
| | 03:18 |
She was willing to do something he would
never allow himself to do which was to
| | 03:21 |
ask for what he needed.
To discover your reverse mirrors, ask
| | 03:26 |
yourself, "Is this person doing something
I would never allow myself to do?".
| | 03:31 |
What is this person doing that bothers me
so much?
| | 03:35 |
If I were to do that behavior, what would
the consequences be?
| | 03:38 |
And where did I learn that?
Reverse mirrors are tricky, because they
| | 03:42 |
are often highlighting an area for our
own growth, but this can get quickly lost
| | 03:45 |
in the flurry of judgements we have.
It's often easier to make the other
| | 03:51 |
person wrong than to look in the mirror
and see what we need to learn about ourselves.
| | 03:55 |
Again, it's not something to feel bad
about, but you do want to learn more
| | 03:58 |
about your regular and reverse mirrors.
Here's the gift about judgements.
| | 04:04 |
If we're willing to look past them to our
mirrors, we have an immense opportunity
| | 04:07 |
to grow and develop in profound ways.
Using the handout in the Exercise files,
| | 04:13 |
spend some time exploring your judgements
and mirrors.
| | 04:16 |
It's another important part of preparing
for your difficult conversation.
| | 04:20 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Reframing your adversary| 00:00 |
Female: As you can see by now, the
reflection phase is very important.
| | 00:04 |
Climbing down off our ladder brings
important clarity and insights to the process.
| | 00:09 |
One aspect of this clarity is seeing what
you have brought to the interaction.
| | 00:13 |
We all have our ladders, and triggers and
mirrors.
| | 00:15 |
That's human nature, and there's no one
alive who doesn't have them.
| | 00:18 |
Trust me, there's not been a single
client I've coached or an organization
| | 00:21 |
I've consulted with that didn't have
these elements at play.
| | 00:25 |
And that means that the other member of
your difficult situation has ladders,
| | 00:28 |
triggers and mirrors as well.
One important part of the reflection
| | 00:32 |
phase is to reflect on your adversary.
In doing so, you will hopefully re-frame
| | 00:37 |
them to be your partner rather than your
enemy.
| | 00:40 |
To do this effectively, we must approach
this with an open mind and heart.
| | 00:44 |
This should be easier now that you have
seen all that is going on for you
| | 00:47 |
underneath the interaction.
Let's adopt an attitude of curiosity.
| | 00:51 |
And see what things look like from their
side.
| | 00:54 |
The first step is to find a way to
connect with them.
| | 00:58 |
Outside of this difficult situation, what
are some of this person's strengths?
| | 01:03 |
Think of qualities that you admire and
past actions that you respect.
| | 01:08 |
Scott: Joe has a great sense of humor and
he makes the work place fun.
| | 01:11 |
Joe has handled recent budget cuts very
well.
| | 01:14 |
While other supervisors just made
decisions, Joe got our input about where
| | 01:18 |
to cut back.
And I know that Joe has a good heart.
| | 01:22 |
He volunteers almost every weekend as a
Big Brother, and buys lunch for the team
| | 01:26 |
out of his own pocket.
Female: So, now that Scott has seen Joe
| | 01:31 |
more positively, he can move on to the
next step, which is to pretend that
| | 01:34 |
there's another reason for the
problematic behavior.
| | 01:37 |
This is easier now that you've climbed
down the ladder.
| | 01:41 |
One way to do this is to look for clues
about the other person's triggers,
| | 01:44 |
hijacks and judgements.
If you reflect over several interactions,
| | 01:48 |
is there a pattern to when the person
engages in the problematic behavior?
| | 01:53 |
Scott: I'm realizing that Joe is most
often demeaning when folks are presenting
| | 01:56 |
a new idea or suggestion.
I noticed that when I critiqued or
| | 02:01 |
confronted Joe about anything in the
past, that is when he gets intense.
| | 02:05 |
It seems that his hijack pattern is to
fight because both his demeaning and
| | 02:09 |
argumentative behaviors are forms of
aggression.
| | 02:12 |
Female: Next, you want to see if you can
find some other possible reasons for
| | 02:16 |
their behavior.
Think about all of their good qualities
| | 02:20 |
and assume the best about the person.
If this is a smart, professional, and
| | 02:24 |
caring person, then what could be some
other possible reasons for their behavior?
| | 02:29 |
Scott: Joe could be under a lot of
stress.
| | 02:32 |
Maybe Joe has something going on
personally.
| | 02:34 |
That would certainly explain why some
days are great and others are not.
| | 02:38 |
Or it could be that Joe is threatened by
the team's ideas.
| | 02:41 |
Or perhaps the budget cuts are worse than
we know and Joe is cutting off good ideas
| | 02:45 |
because we can't afford them.
Female: The key here is not to build
| | 02:50 |
another story, but to create enough
alternative options that you can truly
| | 02:53 |
let go of the ladder once and for all.
You'll know that you're there, because
| | 02:57 |
you will feel the shift emotionally.
All of a sudden, they shift from being
| | 03:01 |
the bad guy to someone whom you can feel
some compassion for.
| | 03:05 |
For me, I often feel this huge relief
because I don't have to hold up my
| | 03:08 |
imaginary sword of righteousness and my
armor of self-defense.
| | 03:13 |
It's like a deep sigh.
This is when you're truly ready to have
| | 03:16 |
an effective conversation.
You've moved beyond the need to have a
| | 03:19 |
confrontation and are now willing to work
together with this person to move forward
| | 03:23 |
in a productive way.
This doesn't mean that you don't still
| | 03:27 |
have some feelings, and triggers, and
judgments or that it's all roses and
| | 03:30 |
puppies from here-on-out.
But the tone and intention have
| | 03:33 |
dramatically changed.
And that's going to create an opening for
| | 03:36 |
a truly productive interaction and not
just a replay of blaming and judging each other.
| | 03:41 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Owning your role| 00:00 |
Female: Wow, we've covered a lot in the
reflection phase.
| | 00:03 |
And now we're on the last step.
In this section, we synthesize everything
| | 00:07 |
you've learned so far.
Use the handout in the exercise files to
| | 00:11 |
bring all of your new insights to one
place.
| | 00:15 |
Write down your goal and your assessment.
After completing this process, is there
| | 00:19 |
anything you want to adjust or add?
Next, review your ladder.
| | 00:24 |
At this point in time, what are your key
takeaways?
| | 00:27 |
Summarize the highlights.
Here's Scott's.
| | 00:31 |
Scott: I've been focusing only on Joe's
negative moments and not balancing them
| | 00:35 |
with the positive.
I've been assuming Joe's intent, and also
| | 00:40 |
how others are responding to him.
I've also been exaggerating other's views
| | 00:45 |
to bolster my own.
As I concluded that Joe was a jerk, I've
| | 00:49 |
withdrawn my friendship from him, and
treated him with sarcasm and disrespect.
| | 00:54 |
And I've done all this without ever
talking to the guy about what I'm
| | 00:57 |
bothered about.
Female: Next, consider your hijacks,
| | 01:00 |
triggers, judgments, and mirrors.
Summarize how your personal history is
| | 01:05 |
shaping the situation.
In Scott's case, he learned the following.
| | 01:11 |
Scott: My experiences with my brother
make me sensitive to being bullied.
| | 01:14 |
So, Joe's behavior can trigger me.
In particular, I'm set off by comments
| | 01:18 |
that I perceive to be critical or
demeaning.
| | 01:22 |
My hijack response is to fight or get
aggressive.
| | 01:26 |
I do this by challenging people and being
sarcastic.
| | 01:29 |
I judged Joe for being disrespectful and
demeaning, and that is a regular mirror
| | 01:32 |
for me, because I'm doing the same
behavior.
| | 01:37 |
Female: You know the adage, it takes two
to tango.
| | 01:39 |
Well, it also takes two to create a
difficult situation.
| | 01:42 |
If I had said that in the first video,
you might have turned off the computer
| | 01:45 |
and thought, no Brit, it's all her fault.
But hopefully now, you can see that it's
| | 01:50 |
the intersection of their behavior and
your own personal history that's creating
| | 01:53 |
the dynamic.
Finally, refocus on what you want.
| | 01:58 |
What can you do now to move towards your
goal?
| | 02:01 |
How can you partner with the other person
to co-create a solution?
| | 02:05 |
Scott: We have a lot of great elements to
our work environment.
| | 02:08 |
Something is going on with Joe that has
him not being at his best.
| | 02:12 |
I want to share what I've learned about
myself so that Joe knows how criticism
| | 02:16 |
affects me.
And I certainly want to apologize for my
| | 02:19 |
behavior and to treat him more
respectfully.
| | 02:22 |
Female: Now that Scott has this
awareness, he's much more likely to
| | 02:25 |
create an effective conversation with Joe
that leads to the outcome he hopes for.
| | 02:30 |
And the difference in his approach will
make it more likely that Joe will
| | 02:33 |
participate with Scott in co-creating the
solution.
| | 02:37 |
The last question I have for you is this.
After going through the reflection phase,
| | 02:41 |
do you still feel like you need to have
the conversation?
| | 02:45 |
The reason I ask is because it's quite
common that by the end of his phase, our
| | 02:49 |
upset toward the other person has
disappeared.
| | 02:52 |
This is because we've seen what is
underneath it.
| | 02:54 |
And all of a sudden we realize, they're
not really the source of our problems.
| | 02:58 |
If so, that's fine, great even.
Don't force a conversation that doesn't
| | 03:02 |
need to happen now.
You can take a break and see what unfolds.
| | 03:06 |
If the issue starts to build up again,
then you can pick up the process at this
| | 03:09 |
stage and move forward.
In the meantime, see if your new insights
| | 03:14 |
shift your perceptions and actions, and
what effect that has on the whole dynamic.
| | 03:19 |
I've seen lots of difficult situations
completely shift, simply from one person
| | 03:23 |
doing the work of the reflection phase.
If you're like Scott, you're still clear
| | 03:27 |
that you want to have the conversation.
But now, you should be much more clear
| | 03:31 |
about what the issues really are and what
you want.
| | 03:35 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
4. The Conversation PhaseBeing prepared| 00:00 |
Female: All right.
Here we are at the conversation phase.
| | 00:03 |
There's a couple of things you need to do
to get ready, so don't set up the meeting
| | 00:05 |
quite yet.
A big part of having a successful
| | 00:08 |
conversation is making sure it's set up
to be successful.
| | 00:11 |
And this may seem obvious, but there's a
lot of things that can sabotage your
| | 00:14 |
plan, so we want to address them.
First, you want to set an objective for
| | 00:19 |
the meeting.
Ask yourself what is my intention in
| | 00:22 |
talking with this person?
What do I hope to achieve?
| | 00:26 |
The key here is to be realistic.
You're probably not going to be able to
| | 00:29 |
solve all the problems in one discussion.
So think about what needs to happen first.
| | 00:34 |
A good objective might be, I want to
genuinely connect with this person, share
| | 00:38 |
my concerns in a way they can hear, and
start the dialogue about how we can move forward.
| | 00:44 |
Second, you want to create the right
environment to bring out the best in both
| | 00:47 |
you and your partner.
This is tending to all the extra verbal
| | 00:50 |
aspects of your communication that could
add meaning.
| | 00:54 |
Think about the time and place that is
mostly likely to encourage openness in
| | 00:58 |
your partner.
You want them to feel as comfortable as possible.
| | 01:01 |
For example, if you have power in the
relationships such as being their
| | 01:04 |
supervisor, you don't want to have the
meeting in your office with you behind
| | 01:07 |
your desk.
That could convey that you're trying to
| | 01:11 |
remind them of their lower status also,
consider timing.
| | 01:14 |
Take a moment to consider what you know
about this person.
| | 01:16 |
If they have children they have to pick
up from school, you might not want to
| | 01:19 |
schedule the meeting late in the
afternoon.
| | 01:22 |
Or if their in-laws are visiting, you
might want to wait a week or two.
| | 01:25 |
Third, plan for your triggers and
hijacks.
| | 01:29 |
This may sound funny, but often
conversations get sabotaged because we
| | 01:32 |
don't' plan for our own reaction, and
then we get thrown by it.
| | 01:37 |
Take some time to think about your hijack
pattern.
| | 01:39 |
Do you tend to fight or take flight?
What part of your body does it start in,
| | 01:44 |
and where does it go next?
Make a plan for recognizing when it's
| | 01:48 |
happening, and calm yourself down.
One of the best tricks is to change your
| | 01:53 |
breathing because it can actually settle
the medulla hijack.
| | 01:57 |
You want to breath in for the count of
five and then breath out for the count of five.
| | 02:02 |
Do this for two to three minutes try it
right now so you can see how effective it is.
| | 02:06 |
What I like about this is that other's
won't notice that your doing it.
| | 02:10 |
Next, consider what has or will likely
trigger you.
| | 02:13 |
Think about the things they might say or
do that would get you going.
| | 02:16 |
You can even make a list of words or
phrases they might use.
| | 02:20 |
While we can't always stop our triggers,
recognizing them can keep them from
| | 02:23 |
blindsiding or overwhelming us.
Fourth plan for their triggers and hijacks.
| | 02:30 |
Seriously as the initiator, part of
getting ready, is anticipating everything
| | 02:33 |
that can sabotage the conversation, and
the other person is part of that.
| | 02:38 |
Their yelling will feel less scary, if
you already know that it's likely to
| | 02:41 |
happen, and it's just a sign that they're
feeling unsafe, and have been hijacked.
| | 02:46 |
Think back over the past interactions and
ask yourself these questions.
| | 02:50 |
What is their reaction likely to be?
Do they tend to go to fight or flight?
| | 02:55 |
What seems to be their triggers?
And what counter-arguments or accusations
| | 02:59 |
are they likely to throw at you?
Of course you can't know for sure, but
| | 03:03 |
you can get a pretty good idea.
The goal here is to anticipate the
| | 03:07 |
reaction, so that it won't throw you.
Ideally, you also want to avoid the
| | 03:11 |
things you do and say that trigger that
person.
| | 03:13 |
So that they can be as open as possible
to what you have to discuss.
| | 03:18 |
In a later video, I'll cover what to do
if the person gets fully triggered during
| | 03:20 |
the conversation.
Fifth, organize your talking points.
| | 03:25 |
It will really help you if you've
prepared your talking points in advance,
| | 03:28 |
instead of making it up in the heat of
the moment.
| | 03:31 |
Think about what you want to say and in
what order and write it down.
| | 03:35 |
And finally practice and role play.
Practicing out loud will increase the
| | 03:38 |
chance that your words will come out the
way you intend when your under stress.
| | 03:42 |
The more you practice the smoother and
easier it will get.
| | 03:46 |
In addition to practicing by yourself,
role play with a friend.
| | 03:50 |
Practice different scenarios, like it
going smoothly.
| | 03:53 |
Then with some challenges in the middle
like the other person getting a little triggered.
| | 03:57 |
And then with it all going crazy, with
the worst possible reaction you can imagine.
| | 04:01 |
Facing your fears, and practice will do
wonders for your confidence in the end,
| | 04:04 |
because you'll know that you can truly
face anything, and be okay.
| | 04:08 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Opening the conversation| 00:00 |
Female: Now, we're going to focus on
organizing your talking points.
| | 00:04 |
When successful conversations occur, they
usually have an order to how things unfold.
| | 00:09 |
The focus is to design an environment
that creates openness for both parties,
| | 00:12 |
so that authentic and accurate
communication can occur.
| | 00:16 |
Before you get into your talking points,
I always recommend reviewing three things.
| | 00:21 |
Your overall goal that you set in the
reflection phase, the positive qualities
| | 00:24 |
you've identified about the other person.
And the intention you've set for this conversation.
| | 00:30 |
This will help you craft your points from
a more open frame of mind.
| | 00:35 |
Remember, this person deserves the
opportunity to sort this out with you.
| | 00:38 |
So, you want to come from a place of
partnering with them, to find a way forward.
| | 00:42 |
Throughout the rest of this chapter we're
going to take a look at the nine
| | 00:45 |
components of a successful conversation.
You'll use some of the work you did in
| | 00:50 |
the preparation stage to build these
components.
| | 00:55 |
The first component is the invitation.
This is where you send the communication
| | 00:59 |
to the other person inviting them to the
conversation.
| | 01:02 |
The invitation is important because it
sets the tone.
| | 01:05 |
If there has already been challenging
interactions between you the invitation
| | 01:08 |
needs to clearly demonstrate a new
direction.
| | 01:12 |
Also, I think it's really important to
remember that most people get a little
| | 01:15 |
stressed when being asked to a meeting.
It harkens back to being called to the
| | 01:19 |
principal's office in school or being in
trouble with parents.
| | 01:23 |
For me, I get a knot in my stomach, even
if I know I haven't done anything wrong.
| | 01:29 |
And if you have power in the relationship
or if there's some negative history
| | 01:31 |
between you, then it's definitely going
to be a bit of a trigger.
| | 01:35 |
So, phrase the invitation in a way that
helps the other person to know that your
| | 01:38 |
intention is positive.
For example, you could say or email
| | 01:42 |
something like I really value our
professional relationship.
| | 01:46 |
I have something I'd like to discuss with
you that I think will help us work
| | 01:49 |
together more effectively.
Or, I've been reflecting a lot lately on
| | 01:53 |
our relationship and I want to genuinely
connect with you about what's been happening.
| | 01:59 |
I'd like to set a time where we can hear
each other's experiences and find a way
| | 02:02 |
to move forward.
Don't those sound a whole lot more
| | 02:05 |
positive than I need to meet with you to
discuss an issue that's been bothering me?
| | 02:10 |
The invitation is a very important part
of setting up a successful conversation.
| | 02:15 |
Next, we have the opening.
This occurs at the beginning of the
| | 02:20 |
actual meeting or conversation.
Your opening should continue in the same
| | 02:23 |
vein as the invitation, letting the
person know you're coming from a place of
| | 02:26 |
openness or co-creation.
The reason is because they're likely to
| | 02:31 |
arrive somewhat defensive.
So, you got to counter that from the get go.
| | 02:36 |
Another key component of your opening is
how you set up the space.
| | 02:40 |
Arrange the seats for open communication.
This is usually sitting near each other,
| | 02:44 |
ideally without a table between you.
If there is a table, just make sure that
| | 02:49 |
neither of you is seated at the head
since that implies power.
| | 02:52 |
Let's watch Scott as he opens his
conversation with Joe.
| | 02:56 |
As you recall, Scott is coming to his
supervisor Joe.
| | 02:59 |
He's concerned about Joe's treatment of
the staff.
| | 03:02 |
Over the past few month's Joe's been
really critical of the teams ideas
| | 03:05 |
sometimes even demeaning or insulting
them.
| | 03:09 |
But after completing the reflection
phase, Scott now realizes he's been
| | 03:12 |
making assumptions about how the rest of
the team feels.
| | 03:16 |
He's also recognized that he has a
trigger around this issue and has been
| | 03:19 |
treating Joe disrespectfully instead of
discussing the issue openly.
| | 03:24 |
Scott: Joe, thanks for agreeing to meet
with me.
| | 03:28 |
Joe: Okay.
I don't understand why this couldn't be
| | 03:30 |
done during our regular meeting, but, go
ahead.
| | 03:33 |
Scott: I realize you're a very busy man.
And I realize your time's very limited.
| | 03:37 |
But, I felt like this was very important.
I want you to know that I value our
| | 03:41 |
professional relationship and that, I
generally want to know, what exactly been
| | 03:44 |
going on.
Joe: Okay, what's up?
| | 03:48 |
Scott: Well, first off I just want to say
the I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately.
| | 03:52 |
Female: You'll notice that Scott used
some of the language from the invitation.
| | 03:56 |
That emphasizes that he really is
committed to that goal, and not going to
| | 03:59 |
blindside Joe now that he's here.
Scott also did a great job at not
| | 04:04 |
responding to Joe's initial resistance.
He's staying focused on his goal of
| | 04:09 |
connecting and being open.
Remember the invitation sets the tone for
| | 04:13 |
the rest of the conversation, and the
opening confirms your intent to connect
| | 04:17 |
and not confront.
| | 04:19 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Taking responsibility| 00:00 |
Female: In order to have a successful
conversation, you need to create safety
| | 00:03 |
for the other person.
I cannot emphasize enough how important
| | 00:07 |
this is.
Most of us have a trigger about being
| | 00:10 |
asked to a meeting.
This means that they're walking in the
| | 00:12 |
door a little hijacked already, so you
have to help bring that down.
| | 00:16 |
The best way to do this is to take
responsibility for your own role in the
| | 00:19 |
conflict thus far.
This is the third component of successful conversations.
| | 00:25 |
Taking responsibility right away
accomplishes three very important things.
| | 00:29 |
First, it further confirms that you
really are committed to creating an open
| | 00:32 |
process with them.
You know have demonstrated three times in
| | 00:36 |
a row, with the invitation, opening, and
this component, that you're not
| | 00:39 |
approaching this from a shame-and-blame
perspective.
| | 00:42 |
This actually goes a long way to
establish some trust because your words
| | 00:45 |
and actions are aligned, and trust always
create more safety.
| | 00:49 |
Second, by owning your role from the
beginning, you change the trajectory away
| | 00:53 |
from the confrontation model.
They probably expected you to launch into
| | 00:57 |
your list of complaints, so when you
don't, it allows them a little room to
| | 01:00 |
lower their defenses.
Some people think that owning any blame
| | 01:05 |
in the situation conveys weakness, but
the opposite is actually true.
| | 01:09 |
By earning your role, you eliminate some
of their counter arguments, and defensive
| | 01:12 |
tactics before they can even use them.
It's literally disarming.
| | 01:17 |
Third, by taking responsibility, you role
model that it's okay to do so.
| | 01:21 |
You demonstrate you want to create an
authentic connection, and that you're
| | 01:25 |
willing to go first.
This relates to something neurobiologists
| | 01:28 |
have discovered about humans.
We all have something called mirror neurons.
| | 01:33 |
Outside of our conscious control we tend
to read and mirror the emotions of others.
| | 01:37 |
As a result, our relationships with
others largely reflect how we approach them.
| | 01:42 |
They've also learned that humans are
really good at detecting inauthenticity
| | 01:45 |
in each other.
Parts of our brain are designed to sort
| | 01:48 |
through the 4 levels of communication and
thousands of subtle details to detect
| | 01:51 |
when someone's words and actions don't
line up.
| | 01:55 |
This is that sixth sense or gut instinct
that clues us into things.
| | 01:59 |
I'm sure we can all think of a time when
that instinct has helped us know that
| | 02:02 |
something was not right.
This is relevant to difficult
| | 02:06 |
conversations because it means that we
can't get by with being inauthentic.
| | 02:09 |
If we're not owning our part of the
problem or trying to deflect it
| | 02:12 |
elsewhere, the other person is likely to
feel that something is off.
| | 02:16 |
And that's going to kick off their
amygdala.
| | 02:17 |
So you truly have to own the things that
you think are yours, and sincerely
| | 02:20 |
apologize for them.
Any fakery on your part will derail the
| | 02:24 |
whole process.
Let's see how Scott did this in his talk
| | 02:28 |
with Joe.
Scott: Well, first I just want to say
| | 02:30 |
that I've been doing a lot of reflecting
lately.
| | 02:33 |
And, I've noticed that some things have
been bothering me and causing me to have
| | 02:37 |
a lot of assumptions.
And for that, I want to apologize to you.
| | 02:43 |
I know that my frustrations may have come
out in a way that seems like I'm copping
| | 02:46 |
an attitude.
And I know that in our interactions that
| | 02:50 |
I've been challenging you and being
sarcastic and I just wanted you to know
| | 02:54 |
that I, I'm sorry for being disrespectful
to you.
| | 02:58 |
Joe: Well, thank you for saying that.
I've noticed it too, and wondering what
| | 03:04 |
was going on.
Scott: I mean, honestly, it's just that
| | 03:07 |
I've been so focused on that that it's
caused me to lose perspective on the
| | 03:10 |
bigger picture.
Joe: Well, we've all done that.
| | 03:16 |
Scott: Well, one of the things I've been
reflecting on is, what I want out of a
| | 03:21 |
work environment.
Female: By taking responsibilities, Scott
| | 03:26 |
has shifted the dynamic with Joe.
Joe is dialed down his defensiveness and
| | 03:30 |
is now actually engaged in the
conversation.
| | 03:33 |
In addition, Scott's apology has changed
the path, away from a confrontation to
| | 03:37 |
true conversation.
Remember, taking responsibility means
| | 03:42 |
that you own your role in creating the
difficult situation.
| | 03:45 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Sharing your goal| 00:00 |
Female: It's not quite time to jump into
the heart of the issues yet.
| | 00:03 |
The next component of a successful
conversation, is to share your goal.
| | 00:07 |
This is the bigger goal you identify
during the reflection phase.
| | 00:11 |
In Scott's case, his goal is, I want to
work on interesting projects with a fun
| | 00:14 |
and engaging group of people, and
contribute to successful company.
| | 00:20 |
By sharing your goal, you accomplish some
key things.
| | 00:22 |
First, you show that you have a positive
intention that is forward looking, and
| | 00:26 |
then you're not just going to rehash the
past.
| | 00:30 |
Second, you help the other person see the
bigger context that this conversation is
| | 00:33 |
taking place in.
When you share your bigger vision, you
| | 00:36 |
convey that you're focusing on moving
forward and that you think the other
| | 00:39 |
person's role is important.
Third, it invites the other person to
| | 00:43 |
share how the goal relates to their
experience.
| | 00:46 |
This is bound to provide some additional
information that will add clarity to
| | 00:49 |
what's going on.
This will only happen if you actually ask
| | 00:53 |
for their perspective, so you have to
build that into your talking point.
| | 00:56 |
Let's see what we learn when Scott shares
his goal with Joe.
| | 00:59 |
We'll pick up the conversation where they
left off.
| | 01:02 |
Scott: Well, one of the things I
reflected on is what I want in a work environment.
| | 01:08 |
This is my goal, I want to work on
interesting projects with a fun and
| | 01:11 |
engaging group of people.
And I also want to contribute to a
| | 01:15 |
successful company.
Joe: That sounds great, I think we all
| | 01:18 |
want that.
It's just hard in these current circumstances.
| | 01:23 |
Scott: Well, I think we have it for the
most part.
| | 01:26 |
I mean, we already work on interesting
projects and I think we have a great team.
| | 01:30 |
And also I love this company and truly
believe in what it stands for.
| | 01:34 |
Do you share some of these same goals?
What are some of the concerns that you have?
| | 01:38 |
Joe: I do share that goal.
I just wish we had more time and
| | 01:41 |
resources to do a good job.
the budget is bad, and it's only going to
| | 01:46 |
get worse.
all the teams are competing for limited
| | 01:49 |
resources, and it can get ugly at times.
Scott: I didn't realize it was this bad.
| | 01:56 |
And after hearing this, I realize that
you do a lot to protect us.
| | 01:59 |
Joe: You have no idea.
I can't tell you how much sleep I've lost
| | 02:04 |
over the last two months.
I am very, very stressed.
| | 02:07 |
Female: Scott has gained some valuable
information in this exchange.
| | 02:12 |
First, he knows that he and Joe share a
goal.
| | 02:14 |
This means, that they actually want to
achieve the same thing, so they're not at
| | 02:17 |
cross purposes.
Second, by inviting Joe's perspective,
| | 02:21 |
Scott has gained some valuable
information about what's happening for Joe.
| | 02:26 |
This not only creates a place of
compassion and empathy for Scott.
| | 02:29 |
But now, Joe has the experience of being
heard.
| | 02:32 |
All of these create more trust and
connection.
| | 02:34 |
Finally, there's now a bridge to the
topic of concern.
| | 02:38 |
In this case, Joe has provided the bridge
by sharing that he's stressed.
| | 02:43 |
That will make it easier for Scott to
bring up his concern.
| | 02:46 |
Let's watch.
Scott: Well that's the part I wanted to
| | 02:50 |
chat with you about.
It seems like you're under a lot of pressure.
| | 02:53 |
I mean some days it seems like you're
relaxed, and other days it seems like
| | 02:56 |
you're really stressed.
Female: Scott picked up on Joe's stress
| | 03:00 |
as the way to connect to his concern
about demeaning comments.
| | 03:04 |
He hasn't shared those concerns yet, but
he's getting ready to.
| | 03:07 |
But if Joe hadn't provided a bridge,
Scott can still make his own.
| | 03:12 |
Here's how it might look.
Scott: The reason why I wanted to share
| | 03:14 |
my goal, was because I care deeply about
achievement.
| | 03:19 |
There's one part of it that I'm worried
about, and I wanted to discuss that with you.
| | 03:24 |
Female: Either way, you want to connect
the conversation to your concern.
| | 03:27 |
Remember, sharing your goal not only
creates more trust.
| | 03:31 |
But it also builds a bridge for sharing
your concern.
| | 03:33 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Sharing your experience| 00:00 |
Female: Now, we're at the part of the
conversation, where you can discuss your concern.
| | 00:03 |
You've laid really good groundwork, and
built some trust with your partner.
| | 00:07 |
Hopefully, the interaction has also
helped calm your own nerves.
| | 00:11 |
But don't be concerned if you start to
feel nervous again.
| | 00:13 |
It's common for your heart to pound or
your palms to get a little sweaty.
| | 00:16 |
Remember to use the five second breathing
technique to get yourself calm.
| | 00:21 |
This is the component where you share
your experience.
| | 00:23 |
Find ways to talk about your experience,
but don't illicit their defensiveness.
| | 00:27 |
This should be a lot easier now that
you've done all the work in the
| | 00:30 |
reflection phase.
I discussed several techniques in the
| | 00:33 |
video called effective communication.
To recap, some good ones include, use I
| | 00:37 |
statements, so that you can speak from
your personal experience.
| | 00:42 |
Avoid over generalizing or exaggerating,
and share how their behavior makes you feel.
| | 00:46 |
I would also add the following tips.
One, it also helps to balance your
| | 00:51 |
concern with places of connection.
If you can authentically highlight some
| | 00:55 |
of their good qualities, do so.
It will further show that you've not all
| | 00:59 |
sudden moved into blaming them.
And don't follow it with the word but.
| | 01:04 |
Use and, it makes a huge difference.
Two, share one to two specific examples
| | 01:08 |
of the behavior that concerns you.
Choose ones that are either the most
| | 01:13 |
recent, or the most clear examples.
But limit it to one or two.
| | 01:17 |
If you share too many, the may get
overwhelmed and that can likely set off
| | 01:19 |
their fight or flight response.
Three, authenticity is key.
| | 01:24 |
I have found that the easiest thing to do
is to just tell your truth, while making
| | 01:28 |
sure you leave room for theirs.
If it feels appropriate, you might even
| | 01:32 |
share your triggers, it can sometimes
make your concerns more clear to your partner.
| | 01:38 |
Let's watch Scott as he navigates this
part of his talk with Joe.
| | 01:41 |
Scott: Well that's the part I wanted to
chat with you about.
| | 01:43 |
It seems like your under allot of
pressure.
| | 01:46 |
And some days it seems like you're
relaxed and other days it seems like
| | 01:48 |
you're really stressed.
Joe: I was hoping it wasn't so
| | 01:51 |
noticeable, but I guess it is.
Scott: It is, and it's starting to affect me.
| | 01:58 |
And I wanted to share that with you.
I'm hoping that we can work together and
| | 02:02 |
come up with some solution that works for
us all.
| | 02:04 |
Joe: Yes, yes.
Scott: I know it's not your intent.
| | 02:10 |
In fact, you've done a lot to support my
career, and I thank you for that.
| | 02:14 |
But it seems like when you're stressed,
you seem more critical of my ideas.
| | 02:19 |
At the point, it feels like you don't
value my contributions, and sometimes I
| | 02:23 |
feel demeaned.
Joe: Demeaned, really?
| | 02:28 |
That was definitely never my intention.
Scott: I know it's not.
| | 02:31 |
And part of that is me.
I'm a bit more sensitive to criticism
| | 02:36 |
than other people.
Part of that is growing up with a
| | 02:39 |
brother, who used to be really hard on me
to the point where it was abusive.
| | 02:44 |
Joe: I'm sorry to hear that.
That's not good.
| | 02:48 |
Scott: Let me give you a recent example,
just to compare our perceptions.
| | 02:53 |
Joe: Go ahead.
Scott: The other day in the meeting, I
| | 02:56 |
had an idea for one of the products and
you interrupted me, and said that you
| | 02:59 |
didn't have time to hold my hand.
Well, that made me feel like a child.
| | 03:05 |
As if I was being annoying.
And by itself, I know this example's not
| | 03:08 |
a big deal.
But it's starting to happen more and more.
| | 03:13 |
And normally, you're very supportive.
So I knew something was up.
| | 03:17 |
And I wanted to come to you instead of
making up assumptions.
| | 03:22 |
Female: Scott has done a great job of
sharing his experience.
| | 03:25 |
We don't know yet how Joe's going to
respond, but Scott found a way to be
| | 03:28 |
honest without blaming Joe.
Think about how you can share your
| | 03:32 |
experience in a way that keeps you
connected to the other person.
| | 03:35 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Inviting their perceptions| 00:00 |
Female: Now that you've shared your
experience, it's time to invite their perceptions.
| | 00:04 |
You want to approach your roll by
listening in a whole new way.
| | 00:07 |
This is the time to intentionally set
aside your need to be heard, or to be right.
| | 00:12 |
In fact be willing to be wrong.
Remember you've had the benefit of this
| | 00:15 |
course, and doing all the steps of the
reflection phase, but your partner may
| | 00:18 |
not know anything about the latter of
inference, their triggers, or their judgments.
| | 00:24 |
Now to be clear your not going to focus
on discovering their ladder or asking
| | 00:27 |
about their triggers that's all really
personal and would probably make someone uncomfortable.
| | 00:31 |
But you are going to play a vital role in
creating an environment where new
| | 00:34 |
information can come to the surface.
By actively listening and asking good
| | 00:39 |
questions, you can help the other person
share their experience and perspective.
| | 00:44 |
One of my favorite techniques is to ask
curiosity questions.
| | 00:47 |
Embrace an attitude of curiosity and be
interested in their view.
| | 00:51 |
You're not focusing on the topic here,
but what is happening to the other person.
| | 00:54 |
I have 3 go-to curiosity questions, tell
me more about, can you say more about, or
| | 01:00 |
what else.
Let's watch Scott do this.
| | 01:04 |
Joe: Yes, I have been more critical
lately.
| | 01:08 |
I'm getting a lot of pressure from the
top to bring forth only the most vital ideas.
| | 01:13 |
So I'm pushing you guys harder to step up
your game.
| | 01:15 |
Scott: Yeah.
Tell me more about the pressure you're
| | 01:18 |
feeling from above.
Joe: I'm annoyed.
| | 01:21 |
And it's not with you guys.
I can't seem to get any clear parameters
| | 01:25 |
on what they want.
All the ideas I bring forth get shot
| | 01:28 |
down, I think I'm bringing that
frustration to our meetings and I'm
| | 01:31 |
taking it out on you.
Is anybody else saying anything?
| | 01:38 |
Scott: Well, I can't speak for everyone,
but most of us can tell that you've
| | 01:41 |
really been stressed lately.
What else is frustrating you?
| | 01:45 |
Joe: The budget cuts aren't done yet.
They're still asking us for more cost
| | 01:49 |
savings in our designs and I just don't
know how I'm going to do that.
| | 01:53 |
Then you guys come forward with your
ideas, I'm worried that I'm just setting
| | 01:57 |
you up for a big disappointment.
Scott: What else is worrying you.
| | 02:02 |
Joe: That's all (LAUGH).
Isn't that enough?
| | 02:06 |
Oh and probably the fact that I've been
harsh on my team, I really feel bad about that.
| | 02:12 |
Female: Notice how Scott used the
curiosity questions to stay focused on
| | 02:15 |
Joe's experience.
He didn't get distracted by Joe's comment
| | 02:18 |
about pushing people, even though he
might have had an opinion about it.
| | 02:22 |
His sole goal was to help Joe share his
experience.
| | 02:26 |
One note here.
If you're not getting anywhere, change to
| | 02:28 |
the magic wand technique we discussed in
the reflection phase.
| | 02:32 |
You can often get important information
by asking them to envision their ideal situation.
| | 02:36 |
Ask something like, If you could make
this situation the way you want it to be,
| | 02:40 |
what would it look like?
And follow up with a couple questions,
| | 02:44 |
like tell me more, or what else, until
they feel clear.
| | 02:47 |
Once the other person indicates that they
have shared the important pieces of their
| | 02:50 |
experience, it's time to check your
understanding of their comments.
| | 02:54 |
This is the component where you make sure
you're on the same page.
| | 02:58 |
To do this, Scott is going to paraphrase
what he heard Joe say.
| | 03:02 |
This not only serves to make sure he's
clear about it, but it also helps Joe
| | 03:05 |
feel heard.
Let's see what that looks like.
| | 03:08 |
Scott: Okay, so I just want to be clear.
You're feeling a lot of pressure about
| | 03:13 |
bringing forth viable ideas but the
parameters aren't clear and that's very frustrating.
| | 03:19 |
And then also your worried about budget
cuts and that you may have been harsh to
| | 03:23 |
the team.
Is that about accurate.
| | 03:27 |
Joe: Yes that about sums it up.
Female: They are on the same page, but if
| | 03:33 |
they weren't Joe would likely provide
more information.
| | 03:37 |
Then Scott would ask a couple more
questions and paraphrase again until
| | 03:40 |
they're both in agreement.
Now is a great time for Scott to follow
| | 03:43 |
up on any other key points, especially
the ones that relate to his own concern.
| | 03:47 |
Again, he wants to invite Joe's
perception in a non-threatening way.
| | 03:52 |
The goal here is to find shared
understanding, not make more assumptions.
| | 03:56 |
Scott: Joe, you mentioned pushing us
harder, and trying not to disappoint us.
| | 04:02 |
Can you say more about those two things?
Joe: My biggest concern is not
| | 04:06 |
disappointing you guys.
You all have great ideas, but the reality
| | 04:10 |
is that most of them won't even get heard
at this time.
| | 04:14 |
Instead of just saying that, I was
critical.
| | 04:16 |
instead of just, letting you guys know
what, what you needed to do.
| | 04:23 |
Scott: That makes sense, and I definitely
don't mind being pushed.
| | 04:27 |
In fact, I like rising to the challenge.
Trying to hit a higher target is more
| | 04:32 |
motivating than feeling like I'm failing
all the time.
| | 04:34 |
Joe: You're right.
I should've been more transparent with
| | 04:39 |
the group instead of showing my stress.
I was probably way too harsh on them.
| | 04:48 |
I know I was.
Sorry about that.
| | 04:50 |
Scott: I appreciate you saying that.
And it helps to know what's going on.
| | 04:55 |
And I think the team would really
appreciate knowing too.
| | 04:59 |
Joe: You're right.
I need to apologize to the team.
| | 05:02 |
Female: Scott did a great job in this
section.
| | 05:06 |
He kept his cool and stayed focused on
Joe.
| | 05:08 |
By helping Joe unpack his experience, the
two of them together now have a more
| | 05:12 |
complete picture of the situation and how
it's built up.
| | 05:16 |
The key to this stage is balance.
You need to get enough new information
| | 05:20 |
without belaboring any points too much.
The goal is to get enough of the key
| | 05:24 |
elements of what's happening that you can
see some potential ways forward.
| | 05:29 |
This is probably the trickiest stage to
learn, so spend some time practicing and
| | 05:32 |
roleplaying with a friend.
The more you practice curiosity questions
| | 05:36 |
and being open to your partner's
experience, the easier it gets.
| | 05:39 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Co-creating a solution| 00:00 |
Female: Once you've heard both people's
perspectives and you know that you're on
| | 00:03 |
the same page, you can start co-creating
your solution.
| | 00:06 |
By now you should be feeling pretty open
and calm with each other.
| | 00:09 |
So this section's usually a little
easier.
| | 00:11 |
But you might have different ways of
solving the same problem.
| | 00:14 |
Find a way to integrate your ideas.
After all you don't want to lose the
| | 00:17 |
progress you've made by arguing over a
silly detail.
| | 00:20 |
In fact, you don't even have to get into
the details at this point.
| | 00:25 |
These kinds of conversations can be
intense, and you might both be feeling drained.
| | 00:29 |
What you need at this stage is a general
idea of how you're going to move forward
| | 00:32 |
and some initial next steps.
If you have that in place, you can pick
| | 00:36 |
up the rest in follow-up conversations.
Here's how Scott and Joe co-created their solution.
| | 00:42 |
Joe: You're right.
I probably need to apologize to the team.
| | 00:46 |
Scott: That would help.
This is what I know at this point.
| | 00:51 |
We have a great team that's willing to
work hard.
| | 00:54 |
But then we have some folks from above
who are pushing for some good ideas, but
| | 00:57 |
they aren't very clear.
And this is putting you in the middle,
| | 01:02 |
causing you to try to make everyone
happy.
| | 01:06 |
You don't have to put all this on your
shoulders.
| | 01:09 |
We could maybe pull together some people
to talk about what information there is,
| | 01:13 |
and then take it to the team.
I mean, just explaining that the target
| | 01:18 |
is unclear could help us make better
choices.
| | 01:21 |
Joe: You're right.
We have a great group of people here.
| | 01:25 |
I'm sure they can see things I'm missing,
and maybe I can get one of the execs to
| | 01:29 |
meet with us too.
Scott: Well, at least we could be facing
| | 01:33 |
this challenge as a team.
Is there anything I can do to help move
| | 01:37 |
this idea forward?
Joe: Yes.
| | 01:38 |
Set up a meeting tomorrow with you, me,
and Brooke to chat.
| | 01:42 |
Female: Those general parameters are good
enough for now.
| | 01:45 |
We'll get into a few more strategies when
we cover the follow-through phase.
| | 01:49 |
At this point, it's time to move into the
last component, which is to create a
| | 01:52 |
closing for this successful conversation.
While things are certainly moving in the
| | 01:57 |
right direction, you want to be sure that
end the conversation with a couple of key items.
| | 02:01 |
First, you want to be sure that you have
a plan to specifically address the
| | 02:04 |
pattern you're trying to shift.
Scott wants Joe to be less demeaning.
| | 02:09 |
While they have a good solution
unfolding, they've not yet grounded that
| | 02:13 |
goal in anything.
Second, you want to acknowledge each
| | 02:16 |
other and the work you did together in
this conversation.
| | 02:19 |
This is very important.
If you just fly out of the meeting after
| | 02:22 |
co-creating your solution, you'll miss a
vital opportunity to firm up the trust
| | 02:25 |
you've just built.
Let's watch as Scott brings his
| | 02:29 |
successful conversation to a close.
Scott: Do you need any support from me so
| | 02:33 |
we don't fall into this pattern again?
Joe: Just keep being honest with me.
| | 02:38 |
I'll sincerely try to change.
but if I slip, just call me on it.
| | 02:43 |
thanks for bringing this up.
it's tough to hear but I really
| | 02:47 |
appreciate how you handled it.
I'll apologize to the team at our next meeting.
| | 02:53 |
And hopefully we'll get back on track.
Scott: I'm sure we will and thanks for
| | 02:57 |
listening to my concerns.
As I said, getting sarcastic and not
| | 03:02 |
talking it through was the wrong thing to
do.
| | 03:05 |
And you have my word that I'll
communicate directly and respectfully
| | 03:10 |
from now on.
Joe: Thanks.
| | 03:12 |
That means a lot to me.
Scott: Alright.
| | 03:13 |
Joe: See you tomorrow.
Female: See?
| | 03:15 |
That last little bit is really important.
You started the conversation with
| | 03:19 |
openness and you want to end it with that
too.
| | 03:22 |
Otherwise, you walk out with a to do list
and it doesn't honor the amazing work
| | 03:25 |
that has just been done.
High fives and hugs are good options too.
| | 03:30 |
Now that you've seen how successful
conversation unfolds, I want to encourage
| | 03:33 |
you to let go of controlling it.
Well, I recommended this order.
| | 03:37 |
The truth is that every conversation is
an organic thing, that's created in the
| | 03:41 |
moment by the participants.
You want to treat your talking points
| | 03:44 |
like possible options.
And the practice that you did was to get
| | 03:47 |
you comfortable, but not lock you down
into doing it a certain way.
| | 03:52 |
The most important thing you can and must
do, is to be present with your partner.
| | 03:56 |
The conversation lives in the connection
you build together, one sentence at a time.
| | 04:01 |
If you hold on too tightly to your plan,
you may go too fast or miss key
| | 04:04 |
opportunities to connect to their
experience and yours.
| | 04:08 |
Just listen to the other person.
There will be natural openings for you to
| | 04:12 |
make certain points.
Also, this one conversation is not
| | 04:16 |
be-all, end-all kind of thing.
Except that, there will be points you
| | 04:20 |
forget to make or ones that you want to
comment on later.
| | 04:24 |
That's okay.
You'll pick those things up in the
| | 04:26 |
follow-through phase.
So don't worry about them now.
| | 04:29 |
Just be in the flow of what's happening
and you'll be fine.
| | 04:32 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| If things go offtrack| 00:00 |
Female: Sometimes, despite all our
preparation, things can go off track
| | 00:03 |
during the conversation.
It's not unusual for challenges to arise.
| | 00:07 |
Let's look at a few common issues and
some tips for handling them.
| | 00:12 |
Number one, the person is clearly not
open to have the conversation.
| | 00:16 |
Perhaps, they got some bad news or are
not feeling well.
| | 00:19 |
It doesn't really matter.
If they're not in good shape, reschedule
| | 00:22 |
the meeting.
Seriously, difficult conversations are
| | 00:26 |
challenging enough under the best of
circumstances.
| | 00:28 |
You certainly don't want to start one,
when the other person can't fully participate.
| | 00:32 |
They may pressure you to continue, but
just hold you're ground, it's to important.
| | 00:38 |
Number two, when you're taking
responsibility, they jump in and start
| | 00:41 |
blaming you.
Remember, they have their latter and
| | 00:43 |
triggers and judgments, but they've not
yet had the opportunity to unpack them.
| | 00:49 |
So if they're feeling hurt or angry, they
may not be able to resist taking that
| | 00:52 |
opening to make you wrong.
Don't take the bait.
| | 00:56 |
Just breathe and do your best to listen.
They're probably hijacked, and if you can
| | 01:00 |
listen and even validate their feelings,
they'll have some space to calm down.
| | 01:06 |
In fact, the best strategy is to start
listening and asking them curiosity questions.
| | 01:12 |
Number three, they don't agree with your
goal.
| | 01:14 |
That's okay, you're entitled to your
goal.
| | 01:17 |
You're sharing it to show them how it
relates to your concern.
| | 01:20 |
You don't have to have the same goal to
have a successful conversation.
| | 01:23 |
But see if you can learn more about their
goal, and what matters to them.
| | 01:27 |
It'll give you more information, that
might be related to the situation.
| | 01:32 |
Number four, you get triggered or
hijacked.
| | 01:35 |
Well you've already prepared for this, so
it's time to enact your plan.
| | 01:39 |
It's very common for this to happen
during a difficult conversation, so don't
| | 01:42 |
feel bad.
Just focus on calming yourself down.
| | 01:45 |
It's also okay to speak to it.
You can even say, wow, I just got a
| | 01:49 |
little triggered right now.
I need a moment to gather my thoughts,
| | 01:52 |
and then do your breathing.
Number five, your partner gets triggered
| | 01:57 |
or hijacked.
You'll know this is happening, because
| | 02:00 |
they'll start to do their fight or flight
pattern.
| | 02:02 |
This means that they no longer feel safe.
You may not know what you said or did to
| | 02:06 |
set it off.
But the best thing to do now, is to try
| | 02:09 |
to fix any misunderstanding, and restate
your intention.
| | 02:12 |
This might include reconnecting to your
shared goal, or apologizing for any
| | 02:16 |
offense they've taken.
Let's see what this would look like.
| | 02:19 |
We're going to pick up in the middle of
Scott and Joe's conversation, but this
| | 02:23 |
time things get a little dicey.
Scott: I know this isn't your intent.
| | 02:27 |
In fact, I know you do a lot to support
my career and I thank you.
| | 02:31 |
But sometimes when your stressed, it
feels like your more critical of my ideas
| | 02:35 |
and suggestions.
I feel like you don't value my
| | 02:39 |
contributions, and I feel demeaned
sometimes.
| | 02:43 |
Joe: Demeaned, are you kidding me?
After everything I've done for you?
| | 02:47 |
The way I watch out for the group and,
and watch out for you?
| | 02:51 |
How do you think you got that last raise?
It's not my fault you keep coming up with
| | 02:56 |
mediocre ideas.
Scott: You're right, Joe.
| | 03:00 |
You have done a lot for me.
And I, I probably don't appreciate it
| | 03:03 |
like I should.
In fact, I know I don't and I'm sorry.
| | 03:09 |
And I probably don't appreciate all the
stuff that you do to defend us.
| | 03:14 |
Tell me more about that.
Joe: You have no idea.
| | 03:16 |
The new VP wants to tear down everything
we've built and it's a daily battle to
| | 03:20 |
get him to see the cost of changing
things mid stream.
| | 03:24 |
And accounting, they have all these
regulations now where we have to defend
| | 03:27 |
every penny we spend.
Scott: Sounds real intense, what else?
| | 03:34 |
Joe: The suggestions and ideas you guys
toss out.
| | 03:37 |
It makes my head spin, because I know the
resistance I'm going to get when I try to
| | 03:41 |
move them forward.
Scott: Wow, I, I had no idea.
| | 03:46 |
I mean, it makes sense why you've been
evaluating our ideas so intensely.
| | 03:50 |
No wonder you're being more critical too.
Joe: Yes, you need to step it up.
| | 03:58 |
Scott: That makes sense, and I don't mind
being pushed.
| | 04:01 |
In fact, I like rising to a challenge.
I mean, we're both working towards the
| | 04:06 |
same goal, Joe.
We both want to work on interesting
| | 04:09 |
projects with a great group of people.
I truly believe that there's a better way
| | 04:15 |
to motivate this team.
Joe: Sorry about that.
| | 04:20 |
it sounds like I've been overly harsh.
I know I have.
| | 04:27 |
It's, it's not my intent.
yes, I'm annoyed, but it's not with you guys.
| | 04:34 |
I can't get any definition of the
parameters they want.
| | 04:37 |
Know with these various items, they just
keep shooting me down every time I try to
| | 04:41 |
move something forward.
I take that frustration to the meetings
| | 04:48 |
and I aimed it at you.
Female: Scott did a great job through
| | 04:54 |
this firestorm.
Joe clearly got triggered and went into
| | 04:57 |
fight mode.
But Scott stayed calm and didn't take the
| | 05:00 |
bait of Joe's digging comments.
In fact, he agreed with some things Joe
| | 05:04 |
said and again took responsibility and
apologized.
| | 05:07 |
Often, that will be enough.
But Joe was really triggered, so Scott
| | 05:10 |
had to do more.
His next strategy was to ask curiosity
| | 05:13 |
questions to create a space, where Joe
actually felt heard.
| | 05:18 |
This allowed Joe to calm down.
Once Joe was calm, Scott restated his
| | 05:22 |
intention as his goal, and then
reasserted his concern.
| | 05:26 |
You see you don't have to give up on
making your point, but you do have to
| | 05:29 |
wait until there in the space to hear it.
If Joe gotten triggered again, Scott
| | 05:33 |
would just have to do this process again,
and maybe choosing different words the
| | 05:37 |
next time he asserted himself.
At some point, he would have found a way
| | 05:41 |
to get his point across without also
triggering Joe.
| | 05:44 |
And you can do the same.
Triggers and hijacks may seem scary, but
| | 05:47 |
if you focus on making the other person
feel safer, it can actually be a time of
| | 05:51 |
great connection.
Just take the time to practice and role
| | 05:55 |
play these challenging situations.
| | 05:57 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Delivering bad news| 00:00 |
Female: Sometimes a difficult
conversation is about delivering bad news.
| | 00:04 |
It's often difficult, because we're
concerned about their reaction to the news.
| | 00:08 |
Our attachment's usually low, because the
outcome is predetermined.
| | 00:12 |
As you recall, examples include ending a
romantic relationship, asking a friend to
| | 00:16 |
repay a loan, or delivering a poor
performance review.
| | 00:19 |
For these types of conversations, there's
a different set of strategies to use.
| | 00:24 |
First and foremost, if the conversation
has legal implications, seek the advice
| | 00:28 |
of an attorney who knows the laws of your
state.
| | 00:31 |
This is definitely true for anything
involving employees.
| | 00:35 |
There are several strategies that you've
already learned that are useful here.
| | 00:38 |
You'll want to prepare by getting clear
about your goal, organizing your talking
| | 00:42 |
points, and even practicing or role
playing.
| | 00:44 |
And the next some additional strategies
as you need for delivering bad news.
| | 00:48 |
We'll discover that most of these are
around being clear and strong.
| | 00:53 |
When we care about the other persons
reaction, it's human nature to soften the
| | 00:56 |
blow in some way.
But unfortunately, many of those ways can
| | 00:59 |
actually be confusing to the other person
and set them up for more disappointment.
| | 01:04 |
It can also invite argumentation, which
you don't want to do.
| | 01:09 |
First, make the intention of the meeting
clear.
| | 01:12 |
If it's a serious topic, you don't want
to blind sight them by starting off all
| | 01:15 |
warm and laughing about old times.
That's not to say, that you can't be
| | 01:19 |
emphathetic, but don't mislead them.
Second, phrase the news as a statement,
| | 01:24 |
not a question.
Sometimes, we back off being assertive by
| | 01:28 |
cloaking the news as a question.
We say things like, can you move out by
| | 01:32 |
June 1st, or don't you agree we'd be
better off apart?
| | 01:37 |
Questions create openings for them to say
no or argue.
| | 01:40 |
If there's not really a choice, then
don't give them a false one.
| | 01:44 |
State the news firmly and clearly.
Instead you want to say, you need to move
| | 01:49 |
out by June 1st, or I want to end this
relationship.
| | 01:53 |
Third, be as accurate and clear as
possible.
| | 01:56 |
When delivering bad news, we can have a
tendency to either exaggerate the problem
| | 02:00 |
or sugar-coat the answer, both invite
argumentation.
| | 02:04 |
Be accurate, concise, and clear.
Fourth, don't expect the other person to
| | 02:09 |
make you feel better.
When we have bad news to deliver, we
| | 02:13 |
often don't want to hurt the other person
or be seen as mean.
| | 02:16 |
But they have every right to their
feelings and it's not their job to take
| | 02:19 |
care of ours.
In fact, it's likely that they may say
| | 02:22 |
things that make you feel worse.
Seek your comfort from others who are not
| | 02:26 |
in the situation.
Fifth, realize that they have their own journey.
| | 02:31 |
I've worked with so many clients over the
years, and sometimes people have to hit
| | 02:35 |
rock bottom in order to be motivated to
change.
| | 02:38 |
This is especially true around
destructive behavior.
| | 02:41 |
While you may feel horrible at drawing
down your boundary, it maybe just the
| | 02:44 |
thing that needs to happen.
Sometimes, we can enable someone just
| | 02:49 |
enough to keep them from getting help.
This is true for organizations too.
| | 02:53 |
I've seen employees suffer trying to save
an organization from itself.
| | 02:58 |
They work extra hours and do Herculean
efforts to try to keep the train wreck
| | 03:01 |
from happening.
But organizations are like people,
| | 03:04 |
sometimes the train wreck needs to happen
for people to be ready to change.
| | 03:08 |
Finally, if you're worried for your
physical or emotional safety during the
| | 03:12 |
meeting, have someone with you.
The person doesn't have to say anything,
| | 03:16 |
but you need to protect yourself.
When you do meet with the other person,
| | 03:20 |
explain why your witness or guest is
there.
| | 03:22 |
Also, it's a good idea to establish some
ground rules for the interaction.
| | 03:26 |
Some effective ground rules include
listening to each other without
| | 03:29 |
interrupting, using I statements to speak
from personal experience, refrain from
| | 03:33 |
name calling or insulting, and that the
use of threatening words or gestures will
| | 03:37 |
end the meeting.
While delivering bad news can be
| | 03:41 |
uncomfortable, it can still be done
respectfully.
| | 03:44 |
Even if they don't appreciate it, conduct
yourself in a calm manner with empathy in
| | 03:48 |
your heart and you'll walk away feeling
good about how you handled it.
| | 03:52 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
5. The Follow-Through PhaseDeveloping the action plan| 00:00 |
Female: When a plane flies from Los
Angeles to Hawaii, it goes off course 90%
| | 00:04 |
of the time.
While pilots know where their headed, the
| | 00:08 |
wind and other anomalies in the sky nudge
the plane off course every couple of minutes.
| | 00:13 |
But the plane arrives safely, because the
pilot keeps an eye on their progress and
| | 00:16 |
makes small course corrections along the
way.
| | 00:20 |
It's the same with your difficult
conversations.
| | 00:22 |
You need to make small course corrections
along your way in order to achieve your outcome.
| | 00:27 |
You do this by developing a robust action
plan, which is the first step in the
| | 00:31 |
follow through phase.
At the end of your successful
| | 00:35 |
conversation, you should have left with
some initial action items.
| | 00:38 |
Now, it's time to flush that out with
more details.
| | 00:41 |
I cannot convey how important it is to
make an action plan.
| | 00:45 |
While you may feel really good about
having your successful conversation,
| | 00:48 |
don't let that lull you into a false
sense of security.
| | 00:52 |
Good action plans have the following key
components.
| | 00:55 |
First, have a clear destination.
What is it that you're trying to achieve?
| | 01:00 |
Articulate as clearly as you can the
outcome or outcomes you want to create.
| | 01:05 |
Research on human motivation shows us
that moving toward a goal is far more
| | 01:08 |
powerful than moving away from a problem.
So phrase your goals as ideal outcomes.
| | 01:15 |
Second, it should be detailed and
specific.
| | 01:19 |
Concretely spell out who's doing what and
by when.
| | 01:23 |
Both of you should participate in leading
or accomplishing certain tasks.
| | 01:27 |
And you may also need to involve others.
You want an action plan that builds step
| | 01:31 |
by step over a few months to ensure that
you establish new patterns of behavior
| | 01:34 |
with each other.
Your difficult situation built up over a
| | 01:39 |
period of time, and it's also going to
take time to head to, and arrive at a
| | 01:42 |
better place.
Third, it should indicate how progress
| | 01:47 |
will be measured.
Once you have clear goals, figure out
| | 01:50 |
what observable data you could use as
progress.
| | 01:55 |
What kind of measurement is relevant?
Perhaps it's about percentage of time
| | 01:59 |
that something is happening.
Maybe it's a measure of intensity, like
| | 02:02 |
on a thermometer or a scale.
Or it could simply be a yes or no kind of thing.
| | 02:07 |
Each situation is unique.
Your task is to find the form of
| | 02:10 |
measurement that best addresses your
goal.
| | 02:12 |
Fourth, establish follow-up meetings.
It's vitally important that your action
| | 02:17 |
plan contain times when you get together
to assess how things are going.
| | 02:21 |
My personal recommendation is that you
should start with more frequent meetings,
| | 02:25 |
so you can continue the momentum of your
successful conversation.
| | 02:29 |
You need to continue to build more trust
and open communication.
| | 02:33 |
Once that becomes easier and more
comfortable, you can space the meetings
| | 02:36 |
out more.
When you meet, you'll be able to tell
| | 02:39 |
whether you're on track or not.
When you're off track, do something right away.
| | 02:45 |
Fifth, plan for mistakes and setbacks.
You got to your difficult situation by
| | 02:50 |
interacting with each other in ways that
were not effective and even harmful.
| | 02:55 |
Depending on how long this has been going
on, you may have established well grooved
| | 02:58 |
habits that now need to be dismantled
while building new ones.
| | 03:03 |
For example, Joe had gotten into the
habit of shutting down his team's ideas
| | 03:06 |
when he felt stressed, and Scott had
developed the habit of being sarcastic
| | 03:09 |
with Joe.
Both men now need to establish new ways
| | 03:13 |
of behaving with each other.
It's totally normal to slip back into old
| | 03:17 |
patterns, so expect that to happen.
It doesn't mean that all your good work
| | 03:21 |
is undone, but you do want to tend to it
right away.
| | 03:25 |
Part of your action plan should include
how and when you address those setbacks.
| | 03:29 |
Finally, have patience.
Change takes time.
| | 03:33 |
Even if you're both committed and working
together, some things just take a while
| | 03:36 |
to change.
My husband used to work on a large cruise ship.
| | 03:41 |
He told me that if something happened and
the ship needed to turn around, for
| | 03:44 |
example, someone fell overboard, it would
take at least an hour for the ship to
| | 03:47 |
come around.
And that's with everyone taking immediate
| | 03:51 |
action and working together.
So have some patience.
| | 03:54 |
Depending on your situation, there may be
some momentum that will affect the pace
| | 03:57 |
of your progress.
But as long as your making progress your
| | 04:01 |
on the right track.
Using the handout in the exercise files,
| | 04:05 |
build your action plan with your partner.
| | 04:08 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Acknowledging efforts to change| 00:00 |
Female: As you make progress, celebrate
your successes.
| | 00:03 |
This is a really important part of the
follow-through phase.
| | 00:07 |
Humans thrive on a sense of progress.
You've probably seen this in yourself.
| | 00:11 |
Finishing a task can feel really good.
The same is true for your partner and the
| | 00:15 |
others you work with.
When you meet to assess your progress,
| | 00:18 |
celebrate all of your successes, even the
small ones.
| | 00:21 |
This will do a lot to improve morale and
motivation.
| | 00:24 |
It doesn't have to be a big and showy
thing.
| | 00:27 |
Even just a few comments or a high five
will do.
| | 00:30 |
Also, use the power of praise to
acknowledge others efforts to change.
| | 00:34 |
When you've successfully worked through a
difficult situation with someone, you
| | 00:38 |
want to build on that momentum.
The successful conversation has probably
| | 00:42 |
created more trust and openness in your
relationship and now's the time to
| | 00:45 |
further develop those good qualities.
Praise is really the art of building
| | 00:51 |
others up.
You've probably experienced this.
| | 00:54 |
It feels good when someone acknowledges
your efforts or compliments you on a job
| | 00:57 |
well done.
I know I feel a little boost of pride and
| | 01:00 |
happiness when I receive praise.
Praise is defined as using kind words,
| | 01:04 |
actions, facial expressions, or touch,
like hugs and high fives, which promote
| | 01:09 |
feelings of self-pride, worth, and
accomplishment in others.
| | 01:16 |
There are numerous benefits to using
praise.
| | 01:19 |
First, praise builds strong
relationships.
| | 01:22 |
Think about someone who's praised you.
Don't you feel a positive connection with
| | 01:26 |
that person?
Praising others strengthens all of your
| | 01:29 |
relationships with colleagues, family,
and friends.
| | 01:33 |
When a person is appreciated and praised,
they become fiercely loyal, because they
| | 01:37 |
know that you care for them and
appreciate them.
| | 01:41 |
Second, praise builds trust.
When humans feel seen and heard, we
| | 01:45 |
develop trust.
This makes sense.
| | 01:48 |
When we feel that another has accurately
seen and appreciated us, we feel safer
| | 01:51 |
and, therefore, more open.
Funny enough, this actually makes it
| | 01:55 |
easier to hear a critique from that
person.
| | 01:58 |
This has certainly been true in my life.
When I feel that someone truly gets me
| | 02:01 |
and can see my strengths, I'm more
willing to listen when they have some
| | 02:03 |
feedback for me.
Third, praise allows you to contribute to
| | 02:09 |
another's positive self-worth.
Remember when I said that part of our
| | 02:13 |
survival is emotional, and that we look
for information about three core
| | 02:16 |
identities, our competence, our goodness,
and our worthiness of love?
| | 02:20 |
Well, praise directly relates to these.
When we praise people, they get
| | 02:24 |
information that confirms they're
competent, or good, or lovable.
| | 02:29 |
People who have positive self worth treat
themselves and others with respect and kindness.
| | 02:34 |
They also have more resilience during
challenging times, and they tend to be happier.
| | 02:38 |
There are two kinds of praise, praise for
doing and praise for being.
| | 02:43 |
You can praise someone for something that
they've done, like completing a task or
| | 02:46 |
changing a behavior.
You can also praise someone for who they
| | 02:50 |
are, like complimenting one of their
qualities or traits.
| | 02:54 |
The most important thing about praise is
that it's authentic.
| | 02:58 |
You don't want to walk around praising
people if you don't really mean it.
| | 03:00 |
That can actually do damage.
But if you honestly see a positive
| | 03:03 |
character trait or action, praise them
for it.
| | 03:06 |
Finally, you can use praise to help
someone change a behavior.
| | 03:11 |
Behavioral psychologists have known that
when you want to change a behavior,
| | 03:14 |
positive reinforcement is far more
powerful than negative.
| | 03:18 |
In fact, the ideal ratio for praise to
critique is five to one.
| | 03:24 |
You have to reward the behavior that you
want.
| | 03:26 |
So the goal is to notice all the times
the person does the behavior you want and
| | 03:29 |
praise them for it.
You don't have to do this forever, but
| | 03:32 |
certainly while your establishing new
behavior patterns.
| | 03:36 |
Remember, celebrating your successes and
acknowledging the efforts of others will
| | 03:39 |
keep you moving forward to achieving your
goals.
| | 03:42 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| What to do if it's not working| 00:00 |
Female: In this video, we're going to
look at what to do when it's not working.
| | 00:03 |
You've had your successful conversation.
You've done your best to implement the
| | 00:07 |
action plan.
You've participated for a few weeks,
| | 00:10 |
attending the check-in meetings, and
sharing your observations and concerns.
| | 00:14 |
But it's still not working.
What do you do now?
| | 00:16 |
Well, first, don't despair.
This happens sometimes.
| | 00:20 |
It doesn't mean that all hope is lost.
It just means that there's more going on
| | 00:24 |
here than we initially thought.
Second, revisit the reflection phase.
| | 00:29 |
If things have not changed, you're likely
back in the build up phase again and
| | 00:32 |
maybe even doing a little case building.
So as soon as you notice that, get
| | 00:36 |
yourself into the reflection phase.
Do the work and what's been happening and
| | 00:39 |
what you're making it mean.
You're going to need to have another
| | 00:43 |
conversation, so want to use the same
process to get ready.
| | 00:48 |
Third, have another conversation.
This time, you'll focus on discovering
| | 00:52 |
why the process isn't working and how to
get you both working together to achieve
| | 00:55 |
the desired outcome.
It's very likely that there's more
| | 00:59 |
happening for the other person than they
realize.
| | 01:01 |
If you can make them feel safe, you may
be able to help them get at other factors
| | 01:04 |
or deeper issues that are preventing
progress.
| | 01:08 |
If they seem open, ask them to watch this
course as well.
| | 01:12 |
If they do their own reflection process
on their ladder, triggers, and
| | 01:15 |
judgements, you're more likely to get at
the heart of the matter.
| | 01:18 |
Hopefully, you'll leave this conversation
with more clarity, a renewed sense of
| | 01:22 |
connection, and a better plan for moving
forward.
| | 01:25 |
Except that this is going to take more
work and time.
| | 01:28 |
You made just need to roll up your
sleeves and hunker down for the long haul.
| | 01:33 |
Fourth, bring in additional support.
Sometimes things are just bigger than the
| | 01:37 |
two of you can handle.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
| | 01:40 |
If you both don't still have a feeling
that this is doable or if you're not
| | 01:43 |
equally committed to solving the problem,
ask for help.
| | 01:47 |
This might be the perfect time to bring
in a coach or mediator or someone in
| | 01:50 |
Human Resources.
You can either do this together, or you
| | 01:53 |
can seek this additional support for
yourself.
| | 01:56 |
Fifth, adjust your expectations.
Sometimes we just can't get what we want.
| | 02:02 |
You know, there's even a song about that.
For a variety of reasons, the outcome we
| | 02:06 |
desire just isn't going to happen in the
way we'd hoped.
| | 02:09 |
The most important thing to do here, is
to close the upset gap.
| | 02:13 |
The upset gap is the distance between
what we want and what we have.
| | 02:18 |
The size of the gap is proportional to
the level of upset we feel.
| | 02:21 |
What you don't want to do is leave
yourself with a big gap.
| | 02:25 |
You've already attempted to increase what
you have, but that's not working.
| | 02:28 |
So your other option is to change what
you want or or lower your expectation.
| | 02:33 |
This is a great time to revisit your
goals from the reflection phase.
| | 02:37 |
Given everything that's past, do you
still have the same goal?
| | 02:41 |
And do you still have as much of it as
you did before?
| | 02:43 |
Only you'll know how you feel at this
point, but it's important to take an
| | 02:46 |
honest look at where things stand now.
A note here.
| | 02:50 |
There are some special circumstances that
affect how able or willing others can be
| | 02:54 |
to change.
There's some factors that literally make
| | 02:58 |
others unable to change, such as mental
or physical illnesses.
| | 03:02 |
For example, people who are on the autism
spectrum or who have a form of
| | 03:05 |
personality disorder are physically
incapable of engaging in many behaviors
| | 03:08 |
that build healthy relationships.
It's not their fault.
| | 03:13 |
That doesn't mean that their behavior
doesn't still impact you, but it does
| | 03:15 |
mean that you won't be able to get what
you want from them.
| | 03:19 |
And some people are not willing to
change, at least not yet.
| | 03:22 |
This is often the case with people who
are struggling with addiction issues.
| | 03:25 |
The draw of the addiction may still be
more powerful than the damage it's doing
| | 03:29 |
in their lives.
In addition, some people have a lot of
| | 03:33 |
psychological wounds that cause them to
be frequently triggered and hijacked.
| | 03:37 |
While there's a lot that can be done to
help heal these wounds, the person has to
| | 03:40 |
be willing to seek out help and engage in
the healing process.
| | 03:45 |
And this brings me to my last point.
Know when to walk away.
| | 03:48 |
If you're not able or willing to let go
of what you want, then you may need to
| | 03:52 |
walk away from the difficult situation.
This can be actually leaving, like
| | 03:57 |
quitting a job or ending a relationship.
But it can also mean establishing
| | 04:01 |
boundaries, like how and when you will
engage with them.
| | 04:05 |
If you decide that you need to walk away,
you can confidently know that you've
| | 04:08 |
tried your best to resolve this difficult
situation.
| | 04:11 |
And usually, this process brings great
clarity.
| | 04:14 |
You've learned a lot about yourself and
others, as well as how to approach a
| | 04:17 |
difficult situation in a productive way.
Those are all things to feel proud about.
| | 04:23 |
But it's also quite normal to feel
sadness and loss when things don't work out.
| | 04:27 |
Make sure you get the support you need to
move through this transition.
| | 04:29 |
Ultimately, you can never really control
another person.
| | 04:33 |
But you absolutely do have control over
how and when you let others affect you.
| | 04:38 |
It might not have worked out the way you
wanted, but if you focus on taking care
| | 04:41 |
of yourself, things will be okay in the
end.
| | 04:44 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
|
|
ConclusionReceiving a difficult conversation| 00:00 |
Female: In this course, we've been
focusing on initiating a difficult conversation.
| | 00:04 |
But sometimes you might be on the
receiving end.
| | 00:07 |
If you're lucky, the initiator will have
taken this course, and they'll be
| | 00:10 |
approaching you from a place of openness
and connection.
| | 00:14 |
But it's more likely that you'll be on
the receiving end of a confrontation.
| | 00:17 |
That's never fun, but with a few simple
strategies you can navigate it successfully.
| | 00:22 |
If you know it's coming, take time to
prepare yourself.
| | 00:26 |
Whether or not you know the topic, you
can still get yourself ready.
| | 00:29 |
For example, it's still good to know what
your triggers are, so that you're not
| | 00:32 |
thrown by them.
You also want to know what your hijack
| | 00:35 |
pattern is and have plans for calming
yourself down.
| | 00:38 |
If you do know the topic, you can also
organize some talking points.
| | 00:42 |
But be careful here.
Sometimes when we think we know the
| | 00:45 |
topic, we can start building our case and
along with it our ladder.
| | 00:50 |
We arm ourselves with evidence that we're
right and they're wrong.
| | 00:53 |
There's a difference between organizing
information and building your defense, or
| | 00:58 |
even planning your counter-offense.
Remember to question your assumptions,
| | 01:03 |
conclusions, and beliefs.
Also, it's vitally important that you
| | 01:07 |
still connect with the other person in
your mind by reflecting on their good qualities.
| | 01:11 |
Next, advocate for a good time and place.
Hopefully the other person has thought of
| | 01:18 |
this, but if not, suggest a time and
location that will be more conducive to a
| | 01:21 |
productive discussion.
You may or may not get it, but it never
| | 01:25 |
hurts to ask.
However, it's probably more common that
| | 01:29 |
you'll get surprised by a confrontation.
And that's okay.
| | 01:32 |
Try to stay calm and use these
strategies.
| | 01:37 |
When the conversation starts, be an
active listener and paraphrase to confirm
| | 01:40 |
your understanding.
Another technique, especially if it is a
| | 01:45 |
confrontation, is to ask curiosity
questions again.
| | 01:49 |
If they're upset and coming at you with a
lot of intensity, don't try to stop it.
| | 01:54 |
Instead, shift into listening mode.
And focus on truly understanding as
| | 01:58 |
clearly and deeply as you can.
Active listening does not mean that you
| | 02:02 |
agree with what they say.
But if they feel heard, it will go a long
| | 02:05 |
way to bringing down the intensity.
Also, don't assume that you need to
| | 02:11 |
respond in the moment.
This is especially important, if you feel
| | 02:14 |
triggered or hijacked.
You can say something like, I appreciate
| | 02:18 |
you sharing this with me.
It's really important to me that I
| | 02:21 |
reflect on what you have told me today.
I'd like to take some time to think about
| | 02:25 |
it, and then meet again in the next
couple of days.
| | 02:29 |
If they push, you can say, this topic is
so important, that I don't want to rush
| | 02:32 |
my response.
Before you leave, thank them.
| | 02:37 |
Even if it was a messy confrontation,
they've still shown you the respect of
| | 02:40 |
bringing the issue to you.
As you know, it takes a lot of courage to
| | 02:44 |
finally address something.
And despite any accusations or blaming
| | 02:48 |
they may have done, they're attempting to
resolve the issue.
| | 02:52 |
After the meeting, use the tools from
this course and do the reflection phase.
| | 02:56 |
You, essentially, want to, now, approach
this as a difficult conversation.
| | 03:01 |
So you want to revisit all of the steps
with the benefit of the information
| | 03:04 |
they've given you.
See if you can identify the ladder
| | 03:07 |
they've built.
What data did they select?
| | 03:11 |
What assumptions and conclusions have
they drawn?
| | 03:13 |
And how did this shape their beliefs and
actions?
| | 03:17 |
And then, still authentically look at
your role in this too.
| | 03:21 |
What are the rungs of your ladder?
How did you co-create this, however
| | 03:25 |
unintentionally with them?
When you do meet again, build it as a
| | 03:29 |
successful conversation with all of the
components, including taking
| | 03:33 |
responsibility, sharing your perceptions,
and co-creating a solution.
| | 03:39 |
And again, take the lead on creating a
safe space for them, noticing their
| | 03:43 |
triggers and hijacks.
Finally, when you've made it through this
| | 03:47 |
experience and you feel reconnected, have
a separate discussion about how to
| | 03:50 |
approach each other around difficult
issues.
| | 03:54 |
You'll have already reestablished trust
and respect, so it's a good time to talk
| | 03:57 |
about how to handle future difficult
conversations.
| | 04:00 |
You might share what you've learned in
this course or just make some agreements
| | 04:04 |
about the process you'll both use in the
future.
| | 04:07 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Facilitating others| 00:00 |
Female: At some point in your life,
you'll find yourself in the role of
| | 00:03 |
facilitating others through a difficult
conversation.
| | 00:06 |
You most likely already have.
Perhaps you were not in a formal role of
| | 00:09 |
leadership, but if you've ever chatted
with a friend or co-worker about a
| | 00:11 |
problem they've been having, then you've
been a facilitator.
| | 00:16 |
And then, there are times when you are
officially and formally helping others
| | 00:19 |
move through some kind of conflict.
This often happens for supervisors who
| | 00:23 |
must mediate the inevitable conflict that
arises within groups.
| | 00:27 |
It happens in our personal lives too,
where one member of the family is often
| | 00:29 |
the peacekeeper among the group.
When you find yourself part of other
| | 00:34 |
people's difficult conversations, there
are several things you can do to help the
| | 00:37 |
process go more effectively.
First and foremost, step out of any case
| | 00:42 |
building either party is doing.
To be the most effective, you have to be neutral.
| | 00:47 |
If you know you're not, that's okay.
But help them find another facilitator
| | 00:51 |
who can be neutral.
Second, establish some ground rules for
| | 00:55 |
your role and theirs.
This will help you all be clear about
| | 00:59 |
who's doing what and when.
Some questions to ask include, do they
| | 01:02 |
want you to be part of the actual
conversation?
| | 01:05 |
Do they want you to facilitate their
preparation phases?
| | 01:08 |
And what role, if any, do you play in the
follow through phase?
| | 01:11 |
You'll also want to discuss the
importance of honesty because you can't
| | 01:15 |
truly help if either is withholding key
information.
| | 01:20 |
And determine what level of
confidentiality you can provide.
| | 01:24 |
Third, encourage both parties to follow
the four phases of successful conversations.
| | 01:29 |
You can even encourage them to watch this
course, and then support them as they do
| | 01:32 |
the work in the reflection phase.
Fourth, during the reflection phase, help
| | 01:37 |
each party complete all of the necessary
work.
| | 01:41 |
Your probably be working with them
separately at this point.
| | 01:44 |
Make sure you don't bring them together
until your confident that they've
| | 01:47 |
sufficiently explored the issue,
including their role in it.
| | 01:50 |
Interestingly, you don't have to have
them complete the entire reflection phase first.
| | 01:55 |
You could have them do each step
separately, and then come together to
| | 01:58 |
share that specific learning.
This is especially effective if the group
| | 02:01 |
has high trust and are eager to resolve
the issue.
| | 02:04 |
Then, it can actually be fun to learn
together how meaning was made and ladders
| | 02:07 |
were built.
However, if there are bad feelings and
| | 02:10 |
low trust, keep their individual
reflection phases separate until they're
| | 02:14 |
fully completed.
They'll be much more likely to engage
| | 02:17 |
with each other in a respectful way, once
they seen how they've contributed to the situation.
| | 02:23 |
Fifth, during the actual conversation,
establish a clear process.
| | 02:27 |
Your role here is to help guide and
control the conversation, so that it's fair.
| | 02:32 |
Have a way of making sure each person
gets to express themselves and that the
| | 02:35 |
other person has clearly heard and
understood.
| | 02:39 |
You may also be the one who asks
curiosity questions to enhance clarity.
| | 02:43 |
You may even establish a time frame for
the conversation that you'll monitor.
| | 02:47 |
Sixth, recap and summarize frequently.
You should be taking notes throughout the
| | 02:52 |
conversation to capture the points of
agreement.
| | 02:55 |
As you go, confirm that all three of you
are on the same page.
| | 02:59 |
Seventh, help the parties manage their
triggers and hijacks.
| | 03:03 |
Notice when someone's exhibiting their
fight or flight pattern, and help them
| | 03:06 |
disengage from the content to focus on
calming down.
| | 03:09 |
Eighth, when appropriate, bring closure
to the meeting by summarizing the key
| | 03:13 |
agreements and next steps.
Following the meeting, share your notes
| | 03:17 |
and confirm the next meeting time.
You may also need to meet with each
| | 03:21 |
person to help them process how the
conversation went.
| | 03:24 |
Anything that feels unfinished needs to
be brought back to the next meeting to be resolved.
| | 03:29 |
Finally, be yourself.
They chose you because you probably
| | 03:32 |
already have a talent for maintaining
your calm in the midst of conflict.
| | 03:36 |
If you're willing to model openness,
trust, and compassion, you'll be able to
| | 03:40 |
help them develop those traits as well.
| | 03:42 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Giving performance feedback| 00:00 |
Female: Whenever I talk about having
difficult conversations, people say, oh,
| | 00:03 |
I need that course.
I have to give feedback to an employee.
| | 00:07 |
So let's talk about that.
Giving performance feedback can be an
| | 00:11 |
entire course on its own.
It's tied to policies and procedures from
| | 00:14 |
Human Resources, as well as state and
federal laws.
| | 00:17 |
Ideally, your organization has
performance review process in place
| | 00:21 |
that's clearly understood by managers and
employees.
| | 00:25 |
There are legal implications for
performance discussion, so I strongly
| | 00:28 |
encourage you to consult with your HR and
legal professionals.
| | 00:32 |
I'm going to focus on how to communicate
performance information clearly and effectively.
| | 00:38 |
First, start off with clarity.
At the moment someone becomes your direct
| | 00:42 |
report, you should have a discussion
about these key items.
| | 00:46 |
One, the main elements of their
performance, this would be an overview of
| | 00:49 |
their job duties.
Two, how you'll measure that performance.
| | 00:53 |
Talk about what data or markers you'll
use to measure their success and at what intervals.
| | 00:58 |
Three, how and when you'll communicate
both praise and problems.
| | 01:02 |
This might include formal reviews and
informal meetings.
| | 01:07 |
And four, the performance improvement
process.
| | 01:10 |
Discuss how and when an employee will
learn that they need to improve and how
| | 01:13 |
long they'll have to do so.
If employees are at will, talk about what
| | 01:17 |
that means too.
Honestly, if every supervisor had this
| | 01:20 |
conversation with their employees, it
would go a long way to solving things.
| | 01:24 |
The worst thing that can happen is that
employees are surprised during their
| | 01:27 |
annual review or worse when they let go.
By the way, it's never too late to have
| | 01:32 |
these conversations.
Clarity can only benefit performance and
| | 01:35 |
improve your relationship.
Second, honor the plan.
| | 01:39 |
You have to meet the standard you
created.
| | 01:43 |
As the supervisor it's your
responsibility to drive the process for
| | 01:46 |
performance feedback and reviews.
Third, address things early.
| | 01:52 |
If you're even wondering a little, about
an employee's performance, it's time to
| | 01:56 |
speak up.
It's far better to address things early,
| | 01:59 |
because that's when you have the greatest
chance to make things change.
| | 02:03 |
Since you're addressing things early,
you'll use language like, Lately, I've
| | 02:06 |
noticed that...
Or, I'm wondering if we've had a
| | 02:09 |
miscommunication because...
You don't want to make assumptions about
| | 02:14 |
your employees behavior, but you do want
to bring up your questions and concerns.
| | 02:18 |
Ask them for their perspective too.
You may discover something important,
| | 02:22 |
like, the need for some training or even
a lack of clarity on your part.
| | 02:26 |
Your goal here is to help them improve.
They may need some coaching or more
| | 02:30 |
direct guidance from you to get going in
the right direction.
| | 02:33 |
Be sure you wrap up with a clear
understanding of what needs to change and
| | 02:36 |
by when.
It's always a good idea to keep a file
| | 02:39 |
with your notes.
Fourth, stay on top of the issues until
| | 02:44 |
they're resolved.
The employee either will, or won't
| | 02:47 |
respond to your feedback.
The vast majority will get things back on track.
| | 02:52 |
If they course-correct quickly, be sure
you acknowledge their efforts.
| | 02:55 |
But for a handful, they'll still be going
astray.
| | 02:58 |
At this point, have another meeting to
discuss your new observations and your
| | 03:02 |
concern that they did not make the agreed
upon changes.
| | 03:06 |
The tone of this meeting should be more
serious.
| | 03:09 |
Arrive at a new agreement with clear
goals and timelines.
| | 03:12 |
If they shift, praise their efforts.
Sometimes issues continue to arise.
| | 03:18 |
When that happens, clearly mark that
they're moving into problem territory.
| | 03:23 |
The biggest mistake that supervisors make
is assuming that the employee knows when
| | 03:26 |
they're in trouble.
It doesn't matter how many times you've
| | 03:29 |
talked with them.
They won't know until you say the words.
| | 03:33 |
Something like this is becoming a
problem.
| | 03:36 |
You need to address this or you'll
experience the following consequences.
| | 03:39 |
And then, spell those out.
Tell them if it's going to effect their
| | 03:43 |
performance review, raise, or ability to
stay with the company.
| | 03:47 |
It's better to shock them into action
with firmness, then to wait too long when
| | 03:50 |
they can't recover.
If your clear and strong, you'll know for
| | 03:53 |
sure you gave them every opportunity to
fix it.
| | 03:57 |
In the case that they don't, you'll be
more at peace if you have to let them go.
| | 04:02 |
Also, when things move into problem
territory, get support.
| | 04:05 |
Work with someone in human resources to
ensure that you're taking all of the
| | 04:08 |
appropriate actions.
There are often very specific
| | 04:12 |
stipulations you need to meet in terms of
communication.
| | 04:15 |
Ultimately, the goal of giving
performance feedback is to help people be
| | 04:19 |
their best.
It's part of maximizing their potential
| | 04:22 |
and guiding their professional
development.
| | 04:25 |
Your job is to give them clear
information and the opportunity to do
| | 04:28 |
their best.
The rest is up to them.
| | 04:30 |
| | Collapse this transcript |
| Next steps| 00:00 |
Female: Difficult situations don't just
pop out of nowhere.
| | 00:03 |
They usually build over time, and often
over quite a long time.
| | 00:07 |
While you can use this process for
handling difficult conversations, it's
| | 00:10 |
even better to prevent them from
developing in the first place.
| | 00:14 |
This is true no matter what type of
relationship you have.
| | 00:16 |
These strategies will work for employees
and supervisors, colleagues, friends, and family.
| | 00:21 |
They also work for clients and customers,
shareholders, and board members.
| | 00:26 |
Essentially you want to create better and
more frequent opportunities for authentic
| | 00:30 |
communication and feedback.
If you have those in place, situations
| | 00:33 |
can get handled early in their
development before they become burdened
| | 00:37 |
with too much concern or attachment.
First, build frequent opportunities for communication.
| | 00:43 |
Whether this is weekly, monthly, or
quarterly, setting a specific time for
| | 00:46 |
checking in is valuable.
The frequency should correlate to the
| | 00:50 |
importance of your relationship, or the
stakes of your work together.
| | 00:55 |
It will prevent things from building up
too much.
| | 00:57 |
Second, intentionally seek feedback.
Don't just wait for people to bring you
| | 01:01 |
feedback or complaints.
Actively seek out their opinions, both
| | 01:05 |
good and bad, about how things are going.
Ask questions like, How am I doing?
| | 01:10 |
What are some things I can improve on?
Or, if I could change one thing that
| | 01:14 |
would make a difference for you, what
would it be and why?
| | 01:18 |
This is especially effective if you hold
power in the relationship.
| | 01:22 |
It's often very difficult for those below
you in the hierarchy to give feedback.
| | 01:27 |
But when you ask for it, and provide
opportunities for it to be given anonymously.
| | 01:30 |
You greatly enhance the chance that
you're getting real and accurate information.
| | 01:36 |
Third, reward honesty.
One of the problems with feedback, is
| | 01:39 |
people are sometimes punished for telling
the truth.
| | 01:43 |
This is a dangerous problem.
If you make it unsafe to tell the truth,
| | 01:46 |
people will just clam up.
The problems won't actually go away, only
| | 01:50 |
your opportunities to hear about them and
fix them.
| | 01:54 |
When someone has the courage to tell you
challenging news, sincerely thank them.
| | 01:58 |
They've actually shown you a sign of
great respect.
| | 02:03 |
Fourth, continually strengthen your
relationships.
| | 02:05 |
This includes using the power of praise,
as well as making sure you're honoring
| | 02:09 |
your agreements.
Trust is initially earned, but it also
| | 02:12 |
needs to be maintained.
Fifth, feedback includes praise.
| | 02:18 |
Tell people when they've done something
right, and you'll get more of that behavior.
| | 02:23 |
Sixth, learn how to give effective
feedback.
| | 02:26 |
This is a challenge a lot of people face.
They're uncomfortable giving negative
| | 02:30 |
news, so they wait.
And then, things build up and get bigger
| | 02:32 |
and bigger until they seem
insurmountable.
| | 02:35 |
Trust me.
Feedback's like holding an alligator.
| | 02:37 |
It's much easier to do when their small.
One of my favorite techniques for giving
| | 02:42 |
feedback is to use the C sandwich.
You give them a compliment or praise them
| | 02:47 |
on something they do well.
You, then, offer the critique, being very
| | 02:50 |
honest and clear.
And, then, you close with another compliment.
| | 02:55 |
And personally, I like to garnish with
another C.
| | 02:57 |
I express confidence in their ability to
grow.
| | 03:00 |
You want to be able to give feedback to
your peers, your supervisors, and your employees.
| | 03:05 |
In other words, in any direction in the
hierarchy.
| | 03:08 |
You also want to be timely in your
feedback.
| | 03:10 |
It's most effective when you can discuss
the issue shortly after it has occurred.
| | 03:14 |
That way the details are fresh and more
likely to be accurate.
| | 03:17 |
Focus on the solution.
Discuss specifically, what to do
| | 03:21 |
differently in the future.
That way the person is clear about how to
| | 03:25 |
move forward and provide support.
Sometimes people don't how to do
| | 03:29 |
something differently or better.
Perhaps what's needed is some training or coaching.
| | 03:34 |
Look for ways to use these strategies in
both your personal and professional life.
| | 03:39 |
I think you'll find that they make a big
difference in helping keep small issues
| | 03:42 |
from growing into difficult situations.
But if they do, you're now ready to have
| | 03:47 |
a successful conversation.
As we know, the world needs people who
| | 03:51 |
can address difficult situations
effectively and compassionately.
| | 03:56 |
You've already done a lot of great work
by watching this course and using these practices.
| | 04:01 |
So keep going.
You're on the right track.
| | 04:04 |
In the exercise files, I share a list of
recommendations, so you can further
| | 04:07 |
enhance your learning on this topic.
I look forward to seeing you in my next course.
| | 04:12 |
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